Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:
If I speak to a live person I will have to chose him very carefully. It will need to be someone who won't disrespect me or lose even any teeny weeny amount of respect for me
The c
onversati
on has moved
on a huge amount since I last saw it. Pers
onally, I'm not going to tell you how to run your program. I think that every
one needs a slightly different program and Hashem leads us all al
ong the path we need, if we let Him.
Opening up to another pers
on is a major way to work
on this area. If you do decide to share with another pers
on of course you have to choose some
one understanding and discreet, preferably some
one who's been there themselves.
I find it interesting to see how much stock you put in other people's opini
on of you. It was in your first post too:
Hashivalisesonyeshacho wrote:
everybody was sure I would turn out to be one of the Gedolim.
The idea that even if sharing with some
one could save your life you still wouldn't do it if it meant that some
one might lose "even a teeny weeny amount of respect" for you if bizarre. Why is the respect so important that you'd rather stay ill than damage it even in a small way?
I also think that this is causing a lot of the destructive shame you're experiencing. It's not just that you're unhappy with your current lifestyle, you think
everyone is disappointed in you for not being the godol hador! Imagine the shame if that were really true. In your mind it is true.
But I actually think you've d
one very well already. You've made a great start and I think you're
on the right road.
Keep on trucking (KOT) and you'll get there, as l
ong as you're prepared to follow the path Hashem shows you. My questi
on doesn't need to be answered and it isn't me telling you that you have to do it. It's just something you might want to think about.