Thank you for the thoughtful reply. While the 5 days was great, it was also a time that I was completely disgusted with my actions and was excited about what GYE had to offer. The problem began to resurface in earnest about day 3, as the novelty and shame began to dissipate. I hung on for two more days and those are the days of which I was proudest. 
After this last weekend, I feel that I am lower than when I started, and the shame and disgust that I feel right now should get me through the next few days at least. If I can get to day 6 or beyond, that will be amazing.

I know that I need to build walls/doors/locks to the internet. that is where all my problems stem from. I have never cheated on my wife or been with a prostitute. Getting rid of my smartphone would help a great deal, but it is not practical in my life. I can and will get rid of my computer and iPad. 

What I have to done is fill my time with Torah and learning. I do not live in a frum area and have not been very observant in my life. I am surrounded by filth and have swam in its dirty waters for decades. I need to live a much more observant life in every aspect. I know what to do, I just can't seem to do it.. I am not giving up... What choice do I have??

Thanks for letting me ramble

BH is getting better, I'm 19 days clean

I've been on the DL since I've joined earlier this year. I made it to 60 days my first go-around before having a fall (went through a bad break-up that spiraled into a weeks-long binge). B"H the last 87 days have flown by, I really can't believe that 90 is around the corner in just three more days. I know myself, and feel that I've been too passive in how I've made it to this point. I happen to have had a very packed schedule recently, which B"H has kept my head focused on positive things and without too much downtime to allow for any p + m. My learning schedule early in the morning also helps aid this as I force myself to go to sleep early at night, again cutting down the "prime time" for falls to occur. Despite all this, I feel like once I breach that 90-day mark, my motivation is going to flatline. After months of ghosting this wonderful website and being inspired by so many of you, I am making a commitment to keep an updated account of what I'm going through starting on Day 90 to ensure I keep this up be"H as long as possible. 
Would love to hear any advice from anyone who has made it past the 90-day mark to keep it up. 
Thank you all! 

chancy wrote on 21 Jun 2022 19:57:

You’re welcome. 

Although that is not what I consider winning at all.It’s positive actions that count. I don’t have the time to explain more, I wish I could, maybe I should…

Kome On Trucking!

Hi Everyone,
Im not really in the mood of writing today as im in a post fall slump. But, im forcing myself to write anyway. 
I always had this question "How do i know im winning?" If i fall once a month? once in 2,3, months? Once a year? I need to feel like im winning so i can keep fighting........ 
After falling yesterday, i figured out the answer! 
You won when you you can get right back up! when the next day, you are right back where you left off before you started slipping, and you dont have to start doing everything from scratch.
You won when your mindset changed from 'this is not possible' to 'im never giving up anyway, i dont care how long this will take, its all the way till the grave for me' 
You won when you can tell yourself clearly ' i know exactly what i want and this is not what i want' you know your mission!
You won when you can look yourself in the mirror and tell  yourself 'I AM DOING EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF!' and be truthful!!!
I Know what mistakes i made that led to this fall (coming to the office alone because of a delivery, I should've stayed outside untill the delivery arrived, but didnt realize) But the main reason i fell is because i told myself a few times that day 'this is it, you cant win this time' THIS IS THE WORST THOUGHT! because there is no such a thing! There is always the option of running as far as you can from temptations! 
Anyway, onward and upward. Ive learned a few lessons and this will add to my arsenal IYH. 
THe main reason im writing this long rambling message is because I want to take a huge leap and make a promise to stay clean for 1,000 days! The reason im jumping is that i have 2 very important milestones in my life on that date and keeping those in mind will help tremendously! So im looking for someone to send me periodic reminders or some such things to keep on trucking and to remember what im fighting for!
Thank you for listening!

Day 17
I think I'm starting to come around to long term battle/ODAAT mindset. Also to the idea of hopefully not but potentially having slips and falls along the road.

This perspective may not work for everyone but if I were chas v'shalom a sex offender and created my own fences which I could tear down if I really wanted to (even if I had partners, support groups etc.) and there was temptation constantly in my face (and let's say there were no cops) would anyone be surprised if I fell? I think they would be amazed that I lasted this long And then to get up, brush off and keep on trucking? That feels almost L'Maalah min Hateva

Are we that different, really?

This may be demoralizing for some but I actually find it refreshing. The mishna in Avos admonishes 'don't believe in yourself until the day you die'. R' Pincus mentions that they found in the Kabbalos of the Atler of Kelm 'not to be a complete Rasha'. All this to say that even those who aren't addicted have the potential to fall to the bottom...how much more so those of us who have already tasted forbidden pleasures.

I think the other aspect is that there is a part of me who says 'but aren't I cut out for better things than constantly fighting this yetzer hara of arayos (or P&M in my case)'? And I think the true answer is...no! This is my tafkid now. Perhaps prior to this it didn't have to be a focus but it does now. Not to say other things in my life don't have high priority but I imagine in Shamayim in my goals for the year, P&M are gonna be there in the top 3 or 5 for the rest of my life along with being nice to the wife and kids (and torah learning, davening of course)

Went to therapy. Was nichshal again.
Entering the gym now to work out.
Gonna try calming down.

If I may question this whole concept of counting days...
If we use it as a tool to change bad habits, that's great. But the count is in no way an indicator of the person. 
You can be at day one and be much better off than someone that's on day 1000 ... 
My humble opinion is to really rethink the way we use and view these counts... 

Feel free to agree and disagree 

"EvedHashem1836" post=368336
date=1620706409 catid=19

Maybe others will disagree w my eitzah but...don't worry about it. Keep on going from where you left off

Dear GYE community,
I know I posted in a different post a tiny bit about myself, but I wanted to introduce myself here on this forum with a little more length.

With the tremendous help of Hashem and this wonderful website and its members, I have made it to 90 days. I had tears in my eyes when I clicked the "I'm still clean" button and saw that I made it to 90 days.

A little about me:
I went to public schools my whole life. Everyone around me my whole life told me everything was הפקר. I was surrounded and bombarded by the worst of the worst. At some point, I was exposed to Torah, and I decided I wanted to live a life of halacha. When I found out that watching shmutz was אסור, I was [miraculously] able to stop cold turkey. I said to myself, if it's prohibited, I won't do it. However, even with time, I was unable to stop the הוצאת זרע לבטלה aspect of this sugya. This pained me greatly. My will power was unable to conquer this battle. I felt like my tshuva was incomplete. No matter how many rabbis I spoke with nor how many books on the topic I read, I was unable to win the battle.

This Rosh Hashana, I decided with total commitment that I am not going to die before doing tshuva shleima and that now is the time because I don't know how long my life will be. I signed up on GYE and told myself, "I'm going to do it; I'm going to finally do tshuva shleima". Today I made it to 90 days, and I'm going for a lifetime, one day at a time.

I want to say a few points here about how I made it through the 90 days despite many near falls. These are some of the things that I know helped me, in no particular order:
1. I stopped thinking of this issue as principally a spiritual problem, but rather principally as a medical problem, i.e., addiction. This helped me to not feel eternally doomed and sad, but rather like someone who had a medical problem that could be treated. This transition in mindset was inspired by reading Dr. Twerksy's book Addictive Thinking, which I highly recommend. In that book, he describes an alcoholic who called him at 2 am saying he desperately needed a drink. Dr. Twersky relates that at that moment, he understood that only an addict can understand an addict's thinking. This is one of the many tremendous things this site provides—understanding from others who are in the battle.

2. This one is huge: I read someone's post here on GYE's that winning this battle is two fold. You obviously have to stop looking at immorality. He went on to say though that you also have to stop fantasizing. What I didn't realize until I read his post is that the yetzer hara always made the latter seem 100% muttar to me. I am confident that this is why it took my so many years to get clean. You simply have to shecht the fantasies by diverting your mind immediately. Do not repress. Divert. Just start thinking about other things.

3. Daven. Daven. Daven. If you're not davening to be disgusted by violations of רצון ה׳, how do you ever expect to be disgusted by violations of רצון ה׳?  I began davening a minimum of three times a day to desire nothing in the world but to do רצון ה׳, and to be absolutely disgusted by even the thought of violating רצון ה׳.

4. Guard your eyes in public. I trained myself to instantly close my eyes upon seeing any shmutz in public. This is quicker than turning the head.

5. Immerse yourself in the halachos of these topics. Every night for many weeks I would chazer right before going to bed the Tur and Beis Yosef on the issur of הוצאת זרע לבטלה.
Chazon Ish זצ״ל says that you cannot succeed in keeping a certain halacha when push comes to shove and it's difficult if you haven't immersed yourself in all its fine details for many hours and with great effort. I would focus on each word of the Tur, Beis Yosef, and Shulchan Aruch, saying them slowly to myself. Ingrain the prohibitions deeply within yourself. Develop a LOVE and FEAR of the halacha.

6. Make good friends and good chavrusos.

7. >30 minutes of high intensity cardiac exercise at least 4 times a week. This helps blow off a lot of steam.

8. Daven. I'm telling you, you have to daven. This is an impossible battle without siyata dishmaya.

9. Don't ever think that because it's hard and uncomfortable that you should give up. Nothing that is worth doing is easy. Nothing. Be willing to fight to do what's right even though it hurts.

Thank you to all who post on GYE. I would not be where I am today without your inspiration.