I had an experience so breath-taking that I’m finding it difficult to put into words.
Recently, I took my first business trip in a long time. (I wrote about it last week.) A chance to choreograph a Big Fall. Partly to “get it out of my system” (as I rationalized it); perhaps partly to test if Hashem really wanted me away from shmutz. And sure enough, He did. Every single plan began to fall apart, through seemingly natural “coincidences,” girding me to then cancel the last remaining chance for the plans to work out. I felt His involvement very clearly, and knew He was guiding me. So, I killed the last steps in my plans, WITHOUT REGRETS. Wow.
But even more gevaldig, I went on another trip last week. And (oy) planned again for a Big Fall. I waited for Him to swoop down and interfere, but He didn’t. So I continued. The plan “clicked” into place, and soon I was in the middle of [whatever it was]. Suddenly I found myself thinking, “This won’t get me anywhere; I could just walk away.” AND I DID. I’ll skip the triggering details, but walking away right then was 1000% miraculous.
The gevaldig part of the second trip is that I felt Him give ME the strength to walk away. Not to daven that HE do it, but to walk away completely on my own. He actually took His own divine strength and gave it over to me to use. As a gift, chinam. I cried tears of joy.
You see, before this GYE work, I might have seen walking away as MY OWN incredible power, perhaps with His “help.” Now, I’m seeing not MY strength but HIS… and that Hashem has planted it right inside ME and it’s there WHENEVER I call. HaMelech ya’anenu b’yom kareynu. And that He will ALSO take over in those moments when I forget that, or when I feel my own strength isn't sufficient.
For me, this is BIG. My work here feels SO much less of a burden. But I know I'm hardly done -- for one thing, I’ll confess, I’ve got moments in my marital life when old fantasies have proven very satisfying. Marital life without them seems challenging. (Other middle aged men will catch my drift.) So I’m almost grateful for the reminder that I still need to connect to Him every day, even if this new gift prevents a lot of acting out.
There’s one more point -- it’s about tshuvah. I think the FIRST business trip showed me I could “just say no” out of ahavas Hashem, not fear of retribution. To put me in the scene and help me say no – amazing tshuvah as per Rambam (i.e., it's not tshuvah until you're in the same matsav and say no).
BUT on the second trip, I actually felt past aveiros turn into merits. I had NEVER understood that concept before. But overcoming 30 years of non-Torahdig habits is FAR more amazing than overcoming one or two. I can start to accept why He “made me this way” in the first place: the duration of the aveirah actually makes the tshuvah powerful enough to transform aveirah to merit.
My work here is hardly over, but knowing (!) He actually put the keys into my own pocket rather than pulling them out Himself when I ask… will IY’H be fueling my work to another level. And I know that the gift comes from Him and not from my own mortal power.
I’ve got a lot to think about (and to show gratitude for). Keep on Trucking, everyone.
:-[ :-X :-\ :-* :'(