Ok, it's one week since my last post... I finally had a "full" Fall today.
Although I'm obviously disappointed in myself, it is not much of a surprise to me. The past week (giver or take) has been a downward spiral of "slips". Not every day, but each time a bit more than the time before. I had managed, without too much difficulty to keep my hands to myself - but today a certain threshold was breached... and at least it was over quickly.
As a post-mortem of sorts, a few observations
(sorry if the below sounds a bit overly self-absorbed. In fact it probably is, but it helps me tremendously to write it down here - so I appreciate you reading regardless)
- After I had my first "slip" (approx 10 days ago) and dutifully posted about it - I found the responses very helpful and uplifting. However, about two days afterwards - I started slipping again (and this time much worse) and felt embarrassed to keep posting about it. In a silly way, I wanted to "get over it" and then make a post about the temporary struggle and what I did about it. Big Mistake. Before my slip, I had been posting on the forum and having contact (even with virtual names) made me much stronger and disassociated from the temptation. Once I stopped posting, I was "on my own" again - which doesn't lead to anywhere good
- I am absolutely convinced now that my addiction/desire is NOT for actual mastrubation. I thought that was probably the case in past, but am certain now. Rather it's a case of "curiosity killed the cat" - meaning: I have a tremendous desire for either seeing or reading about things that "break" some sort of norm - i.e. Poretz Geder. Although I did have a full fall today, over the past ten days I did not touch myself at all even though I had many slips - and it was not very hard to keep my hands to myself, as the desire wasn't really for that. If I'm reading a news article, then I see a link for some other article that looks interesting; If I want to watch a perfectly clean movie - then I feel an extreme compulsion to see what other things might be there; Etcetera. The point is - my addiction is that I am drawn towards "peeking" at limits/barriers being broken (in the sexual realm) rather than specifically looking at immodest pictures. While obviously this isn't "normal" (I hope not anyways) - is this common for people dealing with lust-addiction?
- On the practical side, although I have K-9 installed & relatively fully configured - I have not given the password away to someone else. I have practical reasons why - but ultimately it's because I was procrastinating (in other words, being a coward). I will try very hard to overcome this week - will probably give it to my wife and the filter-gabbai, although I have to think through the details (when I do need an override, it's critical for work)
- When I posted my fall on the 90 day log - I found the automatically generated email very uplifting and helpful. I really appreciate the thought & effort that went into designing/implementing this
- I am not really in any way depressed. I was a bit down right afterwards, but at this point am in a much better mood than I've been for many days. I know that it sort of fits with the "keep on trucking" message - but maybe I should be in a worse mood? Kind of confused and a bit worried...
Ok.. I guess that's all for now.
[Moderator's note: One word was changed to minimize triggers].
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