What did you all daven about on Rosh Hashana? 
    I don't think I asked for a year of being clean. I tried to focus on the meaning of the words which are focusing on Hashem and hoped through that I will have forgiveness through me being better that I was.
    This is the first time that I can look back and definitively say that I sinned less than last year. It's amazing. I feel as if that person that was watching porn and relying on the release of masturbation didn't really exist. Is this just me lying to myself, am I moving on?  I dont know what to say but Baruch Hashem I am in a much better place than last year and I cant wait to see how this next year will turn out with all the progress I have made.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

א"ר יוחנן שלשה מכריז עליהן הקב"ה בכל יום על רווק הדר בכרך ואינו חוטא

Can you hear the בת קול thundering through the hills of Jerusalem? It's screaming "Here's a soldier that's really living life the way it's ought to be lived". Keep inspiring and keep on trucking!

 בברכת כתיבה וחתימה טובה

Bennyh wrote on 26 Sep 2024 17:17:


      I get where your coming from but I have to disagree with your conclusions. The fact is that yes we are inevitably attracted to women in a sexual manner, but you are stripping the ethical part of yourself away if you say "it's in the briah so it's meant to be". Free will is also in the briah.
    I'll give you a scenario. I'm walking on the street and turn my head and there's a woman in front of me which is where my initial glance happens to fall, or I notice her in my peripheral. How do I react?
      With your logic it sound like your saying that I should continue staring/fantasize about staring and think that's OK bc it part of the briah.
      With my logic I glance away or focus on another thing to control my initial sexual attraction which is what is the ethical thing to do. 
      Do we need to go into a discussion of why that's the ethical thing?
      Theres a difference between sexual attraction and objectifying women. Did you know that other people have emotions? They are not a shell. Objectification doesn't only apply to women in the sexual manner but people as a whole. The person behind the cash register is a person with a life, not just someone that may be a bit too slow to take your order.
     I hope I'm not losing anyone on this point but the jist of it is that you can be attracted to someone sexually without acting on that sexual temptation. How we react is where the battle of this nisoyon lies.
      Theres a lot more to say but ill leave it at here for now.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

yeshtikvah85 wrote on 25 Sep 2024 01:54:

Yasher koach to you on posting instead of hiding away in the comfortable black.

An accountability partner/mentor is tremendously helpful. Not someone you just check in with like marking a box. Someone who you can get to know, schmooze with, and feel actually accountable to. An accountability relationship instead of an accountability partner. 

A tremendous gamechanger for me was 1) getting that accountability relationship and 2) also having that person get notifications from my filter. 

Keneh lecha chaver and keep on trucking!

(Psst. It could that joining the Vaad project would be a nice easy way to find an accountability partner  .  ).

    I suggest talking to HHM for an amazing shift in how you view sex. I don't know if I should type it out here but basically it's a thing of kedusha which can get corrupted if abused.

I cant type out something that needs to be heard

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

    Lo lishma, ba lishma. I started my journey to recovery as a single guy for 2 reasons.
1) I was starting to get scared by what triggered me
2) I was and am getting closer to the point where I want to start shidduchim and I can't be doing this while dating/married

    The more driving reason was #2 even though it's not pertaining to me specifically but to how I would be when with my future wife and children. 
    The point of this is to say that yes this is a "me" problem but having the motivation to get better through a non-me reason is very helpful and also can be critical.
      I now can fully say that I am doing this for myself, but I still have the benefit of becoming a better person for my future family which is definitely not insignificant.
       How we as singles and even you married folks out there, react and change now directly affect how our future will be and that is the key point.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

     I think you are numb and playing dumb. Something that some but not all of us have to recognize about porn and masturbation is that it was our friend. It may not have had our best interests in mind but it was there when we needed it, it helped us cope with things, and it made life feel less lonely and more enjoyable.
    But just like a friend that doesn't have our best interest in mind we have to evaluate if this is a friend or an enemy. Are the benefits of leaving this frienship worth the trade-off?
    I can tell you as a bachur that started his journey to get clean as preparation for shidduchim that the benefits are worth it. I don't know your situation but do you constantly have images pop into your head, do you walk the streets and against your will, undress a woman at a glance. Do you have on and off mood swings. Do you feel like anyone actually knows you? Do you know yourself?
  These and more can be answered with being clean. It is extremely liberating. 

   Now another side of this is that you are starting to date. While a week or even a day is significant in terms of not falling into the seductive trap of porn and masturbation it isn't so significant that there is serious brain rewiring.

    I have conversations with people like a rav I trust, Dov, HHM about what porn and masturbation does to a relationship. It kills it!! 
Lust is the opposite of Love. If you are entrapped in Lust, it leaves little to no room for Love.
When you start a relationship with a girl it needs to thrive and lust wont let you fully give your attention and care to another person let alone your wife. Dont mistake this with me saying that lust makes a person uncaring, no, this is in reference to a true relationship between you and another person. In the end I you are still entrapped in lust you will always feel like a fraud even if you are too numb to let yourself acknowledge it which in effect creates a separation.

 Baruch Hashem you seem to be having the feeling of being a fraud and a fake bc this is a part of your growth. Now you can realize you actually are not that person with 2 lives but you are the 1 person that can and will climb out of the lust.

    Now with a proper mindset how do you actually maintain progress?
I would suggest using the method of ODAAT. I wont go into details bc this is already a long post and its getting late but basically every day is its own and what happened yesterday or what may happen tomorrow cant change what I am doing now, today.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

It's over now, I just needed a break and to push through the frustration bc I had a deadline I had to make for a particularly annoying assignment.
I'm all good now, thanks a ton.

It was a bit humbling to notice that at a certain point there was a tiny notion in the back of my head that was telling me that masturbation would calm me down.
      In reality it would probably distract me even more bc I would have to deal with the aftermath of me still being in a frustrating situation and having just gone masturbated and feeling the guilt/misery of going back even if for a one time hit. 

Baruch Hashem I am still clean and have a sense of accomplishment on 2 ends with regards to no longer being frustrated and not succumbing to masturbation.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

    Something I noticed over the past few months is that when a women walks by I sometimes have a small instinct to inhale. Is this natural?
I've been working on it to the point that I try to hold my breath when I notice that I am about to inhale.
    I guess this is the whole reasons perfumes were invented. Does anyone have a similar experience and do you think this requires more attention than I'm already giving it?

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time,
                                     Have a great Shabbos.

chaimoigen wrote on 18 Sep 2024 00:11:

Wow
Reb chaim that was articulated so clearly and on point!

While fighting this battle it can get very complex, what is my goal, what am I trying to build? What is the difference between one and 2 falls? @SSSL you brought up a great question and I'm thankful to you for that!

But Reb chaim you nailed it on the head, I will definitely be chazering over that post, it spoke straight to me, I appreciate the great insight and wisdom that you and everyone else here has to offer!

Keep rocking on @SSSL, were here rooting for you!

mggsbms wrote on 18 Sep 2024 02:58:

Good question. 

I feel that I have been to a large part, part of this illustrious group. Not in the same way as you, but I resonate with it!
Happens to be that I’m clean of P-to-the-power-of-M for some while, but I consider that a gift of time, not much work on my behalf. 

There is something I found which helps - mggsbmsyou can PM

Keep on Trucking. 
5 days at a time 

Keep it simple. Today is today. You can do it. You can want to be clean for today. Because it feels better. That’s what counts. And you can do it, imyH. 

But here are a few thoughts about your question. 

You want to be clean for today. But the streak is a different kind of cleanliness today. The feeling of Tahara after 8 days is different than after 1. So the number counts, because the level of cumulative cleanliness is meaningful, even if your goal isn’t a streak. You feel better today, now that you’ve been clean for a while. You dont want to lose it. And if Chas vishalom you have a fall, you have a feeling that it wouldn’t be as bad to mess up the cleanliness of a period of 5 minutes, as to mess up the cleanliness of a longer period. So a guy could “chap arein “, ch”v. Because the sense of cleanliness is more than the individual moment. Maybe that is a pshat in your feelings. 

(Agav, it’s not true. The fact is that the second , “might-as-well” fall does a tremendous amount of damage. That’s the one that makes a guy sick at heart, and brings him to want to throw in the towel, for a lot of reasons.  It’s a terrible תחבולה of the YH. When a guy who fell hangs on and doesn’t fall again, he can get up on the wagon again, get out of the ditch without falling all the way down the mountain…). 

Keep your eyes on the prize.  And don’t fall for all-or-nothing thinking. You’re a fighter, a dreamer. You’re stopping to merely survive and starting to live real.

I  can taste the fresh, Yerushalayim air and see that heartbreakingly blue sky. Wish I was there, chaver. 

Keep on Trucking

Chaim

       I am aware of all of these points and I hope that those that are not take these points seriously.     
     I am very fortunate to not have watched porn since last November 25th due to a filter and proper shmira. I have also not masturbated since April 15th with ODAAT- One Day At A Time. 
     Even though it's been many months and will bezras Hashem be many more when I start dating, I am still considering telling the one I believe will be my wife. Of course this is a delicate topic and must be evaluated case by case but I believe that a true intimate relationship cannot exist if I am keeping this a secret.   
    What scares me is both the fact that she may tell others and the point you made that it will scare off many girls. 
    I will definitely have to discuss this more when it is actually relevant for me and will discuss this with a Rav I trust in these matters, and Dov if he's available.     
   But for now the main reasons I cannot start is more due to parnasa which I am in the process of securing. If being lonely was the only indicator that I should start dating then I could have started a few years ago lol, but that's not the case.   

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!!

      Feeling tiered, drained, and kinda lonely right now. Hope that a good night sleep rejuvinates me for the week.
     I have kept up my shmiras einayim, but i can tell that my brain just wants to stop for a second and just look wherever whenever and not even just for lusts sake but just to not have to be in control for a second bc I'm exhausted.

I love how much I have accomplished so I won't just let myself do the wrong thing but that doesn't stop the thoughts from saying it's hard to keep going.

     I cant wait to be ready for shidduchim and find my basheret so i dont have to feel as lonely. I know its not a cure all but its better than being surrounded by people that are moving on, or already have families. Regardless, I'm not ready for that yet for a multitude of reasons, and for once in my life I think that I have made enough progress in shmiras einayim amd shmiras habris to say that this is not one of the reasons I wouldn't allow myself to start shidduchim. Ppl will argue that this nisoyon isn't nesicarily a reason to not date, but I would argue that for me personally I would not have been comfortable starting a relationship while having a 2nd hidden life.

Thank you for reading my ramblings,

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Welcome!!

        What have you done so far on this site? 
Have you watched the flight to freedom videos? I found those very helpful to start my journey.
      I also highly recommend Dov's talks from the audio library. Link is in my profile.
         The main tool I use is ODAAT- One Day At A Time. This concept breaks down the nisoyon from being a life long fight and struggle to being just another day that you can manage. Think about it, can you change what you've done? No, unfortunately.
Can you change what happens tomorrow? Maybe, but how will you even know what will happen tomorrow?
      The only thing you can control and change is now, today, this moment. 

Also something that extremely helps is reaching out to others. Coming to this site is a tremendous step in the right direction. Sharing your story in more detail may also help, but real progress is through sharing with ppl, not just a forum. 
    I'll let the more experienced ppl here direct you to the main mentors.
   Hatzlacha, and remember to Keep On Trucking!!!