ben durdayah wrote on 23 Jan 2011 18:19:


EBD, thanks very much for all the good stuff, the great story and even more for the great perspective and chizuk you wrote, sounds amazing, keep up your gevaldiger work, you bring yourself up and you pull everyone else up as well

and btw, i don't know why you think that anyone here is waiting to hear about green ******* when it is expressly forbidden, what kind of people do you think we are, huh? ;D

I know you guys are waiting for some more green elephants...

But this thread is essentially about recovery and breaking free.

So first things first...

DAY 24

I had an insight walking home from Ma'ariv.

Some scenery was coming the other way, but within 1.5 seconds I raised up my eyes to Tatte in Himmel and I said "RBSO, this while attraction to looking where I shouldn't and don't need to be is too big for me. Please remove the 'sting' and get the challenge back into it's natural proportions...", and B"h so far so good it's been working like a charm Kein Ya'azor Hashem V'chein Yosif.

Then I felt a warm feeling washing over me... How we come to dveikus BaHashem through our struggle mammesh.

So? But how long does that last?

About a second or two, definitely as long as the nisayon itself...

A little bit too often I see posts in the gist of: What? You mean that you're not flying high up there for at least the next hour? And that next time she walks by or whatever the setting is there you go again! Isn't there just a quick fix to get this hell over with? You mean I might be stuck this way until 120?

The answers to those questions are (in this order):No I'm not. Yes. No. Probably (see Tanya chapters 27-28), but so what?

A. I'm clean b"h.

B. I'm happy b"h.

C. I no longer feel miserable and battleworn when faced with nisyoinos in Shmiras HaEyneyim.

D. Another nisayon (not that you're supposed to look for it, and I'm not -yes Bard's I'm spending less time on the mirpeset) is another ooportunity for Dveikus. Now -as opposed to in the pre-GYE-ic era - I have something that reminds me constantly to connect with Hashem -not just fight it out constantly with a Malach because (after all) you must have Yiras Hashem or because I fear impending doom.

E. I'm connecting with Hashem.

So we're just going to keep on Trucking with Hashem's help... one mile at a time...

E. Ben Durdayah

rashk

chizzuk??

this whole forum is undiluted chizzuk

its like a freshly opened bottle of woodford
listen

you gotta stay here!!

be part of it

post everyday or so

keep on trucking

b

Hey Mac...

I can really sympathize with you on that one.

I also have the zchus not to live in NYC (anymore), and I always feel like I'm walking on a tight-rope when I'm there on visits...

And I usually fall and fracture my skull

But hopefully my next visit will be different, now that I've found GYE.

Keep on Trucking even in the Big Apple even though you and Toto aren't in Kansas anymore.

Hashem is with you there.

Do it for yourself.

I'm so happy for your two clean weeks...

KOT

Elazar ben Durdayah

Sick Man Getting Well wrote on 20 Jan 2011 17:44:


I disagree...

i think we get there one minute at a time...

See today's diary post:  ben durdayah wrote on 20 Jan 2011 18:28:
             
               

Ebd

Bards zoogt andersh

Even

If u answer no to the questions

Still keep on trucking


shikk meech a pee em

No guys, it's been a lousy day, so first I get to vent; and then if there's time I'll try to update Zanvil and Devoirah and co.

DAY 21

Right, like now I'm a reeeeeeaaal Tzaddik'l no?

No.

I had a lousy day. I ate the fruits anyway, and said the tefillah for the esrog word by word with peirush hamilois but I felt like a hollow tree.

But the battle now is not on my turf, I'm b"h not bombarded by hirhurim, but the YH is trying to sneak in with milchemes HaYetzer on his turf -i.e. Shmiras HaEyneyim. And when you're not "oifgeleibt", it's not easy (ah mefurishe Tanya).

So I've got to change the track which has been playing on "repeat" all day, and put on a different song:

TODAY, THIS MINUTE do you have as much $$$ as you need for this minute?
TODAY, THIS MINUTE do you have with what to make Shabbos?
TODAY, THIS MINUTE are you clean?
TODAY, THIS MINUTE do your feet work?
TODAY, THIS MINUTE do your hands work?
TODAY, THIS MINUTE do your eyes see?
TODAY, THIS MINUTE do your ears hear?
TODAY, THIS MINUTE are your wife and kids safe and healthy?
TODAY, THIS MINUTE can your mind think straight?
TODAY, THIS MINUTE are you doing the ratzon Hashem?

If you answered yes to all of the above questions, then CHILL OUT, and KEEP ON TRUCKING everything is just fine b"h.
Your pain and depression stems from either the past or the future.

If that didn't help, then you obviously have gotten into "melumadah" mode as far as the recovery and GYE attitude is concerned, and need to go back to basics and start fresh -even if you are clean.

Thank you for your support,

EBD

7th of many more days, be"H:

Just keep on trucking!!!

Keep on trucking, my friend...

Sounds like you're grappling with a bunch of very important issues! For starters, I would say to try working on the appreciation to the guy who only wants people using his computer when he's in the room. Have you discussed your desire to take a class using his computer?

And most importantly, keep on trucking!

ok ok - you got me, i'm really sorry - kinda fell off the 'public' forum for about a month as you said (and frankly, I haven't been posting that much on the private one either)

I'll try to get back to posting soon. (Realistically over the weekend or early next week) Definitely alot of stuff to write about...

Short version though:
on the positive side: I've been involved in a 12-step group, made good progress on Step 1, made some positive strides in my relationship with wife, and started doing a quasi-tapsic thing to supplement the 12-step stuff (although it's a bit crazy - and may have been a mistake - I'll write more on that later...)

on the negative side: acting-out-wise, the past month has been a complete mess. Although I'm slowly getting back to where I was before (about a week clean now) - but it has been an extremely rough month - one week I was acting out almost every other day...  and even now there are many extensive slips (last one was last night ).


I know that I need to keep on trucking (etc), and I do feel that the past month was full of positive steps that will I"H take me much closer to recovery... but in the interim - much much much work to be done

Thanks everyone for keeping me in mind (even when I myself don't )

Say out loud

FELL SHMELL

FELL SHMELL

FELL. SHMELL

And keep on trucking

B

Well done for not taking it any further.

What is your definition of a fall?
What was your intention?

If it was nothing more than a moment where you weren't thinking clearly and yet you managed to catch youself when it went a little too far, then no, I don't think it's a fall.

I posted this on another thread a few days ago:




Okay, so testing your filter is not really "very small", but you handled it well.
Learn from it and keep on trucking...

Yes indeed, IMHO -every date is a pressure-cooker; all the more so in your particular situation. But in a way -that's a good training for marriage. You definitely have something besides raw physical attraction between you, and it would be a shame that your mutual slip -which is something that could be a springboard for shared growth -should ruin what you had going there.

It seems that in a way, there is a temptation here -albeit deep down in the subconscious and unintentional  -to try and forget about what happened by blaming the incident for wrecking everything that you had both thought that you had had in common, as if leaving one another by mutual agreement would erase the incident from your minds, hearts and souls. It's clear that even if you were to leave each other, the emotional and psychological scars will not go away in the near future -if they ever will heal; not to mention the perpetual "Gee, what would have happened if...This is true of any relationship which has broken up, especially if its full potential was never realized.

Over here it would be very easy to break up -don't you both have a good reason? Of course! That isolated incident, since then the pure freshness of the budding relationship and the easygoingness has just up and left.

Good Morning guys, this is life, and this is marriage itself. The trick of a good and solid marriage is how we revive the spark after an incident, an argument, under stress, when it kind of starts getting boring... and the list goes on and on.

This whole business seems like one big Ma'aseh Satan intended to ruin a union that was looking promising.

Stuff Happens. (I imagine that you both know the original saying)

On the contrary, what keeps people together is what they have in common, and here you have just one more shared experience -and since you both regret it, why the hard feelings? Stop labeling it or yourselves as good or bad. Sometimes it just happens. Just add it to the long list of things that you both felt that you have in common, obviously that list must have been pretty long if you came that close to an engagement. Look at it as a warning sign of what happens when a couple doesn't follow the Torah's guidelines to the maximum -something which is even more important after you're married -and keep on trucking in tandem!

With the deepest wishes for your shared Hatzlacha,

Elazar ben Durdayah 

3k miles = time for an oil change