keep on trucking

15 minutes at a time

I "understand" how you feel, but let me ask if I "understand" correctly: Did Guard or someone else say, Twerski perhaps, that doing Teshuvah is actually not enough to "overcome" lust? Saying somehow that the frum way of life doesn't really help in this case.

I read some books by Friedrich Weinreb. He was born into a liberal family, but in his youth he decided to go to shul, to daven, to be frum, even though he writes, that the frum are like the "liberal". They too are short sighted, arrogant even hard, not paying any attention to the real questions of life, the real feelings of people. (this author was recomended by my parents to me, it has been a great influence on my mother. If you speak german, here a link www.weinreb-stiftung.org/radiosendungen.php, or check the book Roots of the Bibel - he concentrates a lot on Gematria and the hebrew meanings)

Forgive me if I go too far. But that is what he wrote.

Ok, but still he still wanted to be frum, because he felt, that still it brought Him closer to Hashem. A bit closer it was.

I always deeply respected and admired the frum, wanting to become frum myself, believing that if I were frum all the lust will go away. Did I have a feeling, that you guys have it easy? But what happened to me? (another story that is...)

I was just talking the other day with a friend, telling him that I feel like I didn't move one iota further than when I was a small boy. I didn't make any spiritual progress. He countered that if we win this, perhaps we will move higher. He was right, because of that conversation we smiled at each other - that was the first time, that I smiled to those feelings.
It reminds me of darkness, when it gets so dark in the night, one does not expect any light in the morning, it is a wonder to see it again in the morning. But didn't we see it yesterday, why do we even need to see it today. I have been watching daylight for over 30 years now, why do I need to see it again?

Nothing like a smile in the morning.

Installed keep on trucking. I think you can make a lot of mitzvahs, talk to Hashem, smile, overcome even if you are frum

All the best to You Installed, I hope that this brought a smile on your face.

After almost killing myself for the stupid problems that the K-9 filter caused, I deleted it, which led to a fall. I need to fully install, and set someone else's email address so that I can never reset it.

On a side note, Baruch Hashem, I have been clean since yesterday. I realize now how hard it can truly be to just ignore the desire. Be'ezrat Hashem and my friends, I will start again to actively and passively work on myself. Starting up the teshuvah process again will be hard, but Yom Kippur is coming soon. I must be ready for whatever Hashem sends me.

Be'ezrat Hashem, I will keep on trucking.

Thank you very much for all your help guys.

You really inspire me to do my best.

Jew Boy

P.S. Anybody know where I can find some from therapy in Brooklyn, NY?

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 01 Sep 2011 17:14:


that's nuscha ACHRINA to be more accurate zemmy.

Great to hear you are doing well, Wantingtostop, keep on keeping on, or as they say here Keep On Trucking (נוסח אחר: Keep On Monster Trucking)
wishing you the best
zs

Back on Track wrote on 28 Aug 2011 23:24:

Thanks for the feedback Back on Track, I do think that I have mixed up bitter and sweet, since I see m* as something that I would love to do but I just can't. How does one go about changing that? I want to have NORMAL taste-buds already! Also how did you get the avatar thing working? Please do tell!!!

And finally update time:
Day 15:
I think I fell yet again last night but due to my whole half-asleep thingy I am not sure, I just woke up with some vague recollection of something happening. This is seriously getting annoying! I know I just need to KOT but I simply don't see myself changing this, since how can you change something that you can't control or even remember. And just to be clear, I am not referring to a nocturnal emission, I am referring to actual shichvas zera l'vatala b'mayzid (Well the b'mayzid part is rather complicated you see)

I need your help heilige forum! Help me!

I hope this is clear. KEEP ON TRUCKING. Don't look back, down or to the side. Just look str8 ahead and keep going. NO ur yetzer hara has not hijacked that concept lulling you to sinfull complacency. On the contrary- he has possibly convinced u that the best thing for you is to agonize and pain urself till you are too depressed to even try anymore.

You my dear special friend, may want to ask urself if you are indeed like those who the rambam describes as tasting bitter as though it is sweet and sweet as though it is bitter. In reference to middos,.

you may be wrapped around the fingers of ur addiction so much  that IT truthfully plays with u! telling you (faslely) what will save you (self castigation). But this is not the road to recoery. Recovery may hurt, but it doesn't destroy.  Caln relaxed sharing as you have mentioned u have experienced is the first step for many ppl, myself inclided. Beyond that it can vary. KoT

Back on Track wrote on 21 Aug 2011 02:20:

Thanks for the chizuk Back on Track. I have found that this struggle is easier than before specifically because I have suddenly found all these amazing people to talk to about this stuff. Over the phone is still quite a step for me though, and in person even more so.

Speaking of chizuk though, I should have updated this board more often this past week since I have unfortunately not had such a growing week.

Days 8-14: I fell a few times, and although each time I told myself fell, shmell, stop dwelling on it, it may have had a negative effect on me since before I encountered the KOT (keep on trucking for anyone unfamiliar with the term) yesod, I would dwell on it, fell bad, and I think that it did have an effect of stopping me from repeating myself again, at least for a few days or even weeks, but this week I was just like, "Oh well, I fell, whatever KOT" But then I fell again, and again a third time, (and maybe a fourth and fifth, its a bit blurry, and I have that peskywww.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4309.0"> half-asleep problem that I mentioned in depth here) and each time I was all like, oh well, KOT. Everyone please tell me: Has my Yetzer Harah completely hijacked the whole KOT thing into an excuse for me to casually repeat this aveira? I think I know what the answer is, but does that mean that I should dwell on each fall? Oy vey I need help!
Forum! This is when I need you!

welcome aboard Yossi,

you already have a great attitude and you are seriously working on yourself.
you have nowhere to go but UP!

(and i can only imagine how well you write when you do think )

Keep On Trucking!!!

Gevura!

ontheedgeman wrote on 26 Aug 2011 16:08:


actually i'd like to stay as far from the edge as possible.

im working on the eyes, some days are better than others. i tell myself, you cant have it anyway, so its not part of your life. i read the book, probably should read it a few more times.

good shabbos

gevura!

So what I'm hearing is that you were near the edge but didn't go over!  Nice.  Join me, on the edge man!

;-)

Actually I've fallen off the edge a few times so what am I.

Have you read Windows of the Soul?  I started reading it again, knowing that it probably would not work for me.  So I have just been letting my eyes read the words, and hoping to Gcd that maybe something will stick.  Would you believe it, for a day or two now, I have been gently bringing my eyes back to my 4 amot when I see something inappropriate?  Never thought that would work.  Just gently saying to myself, interesting, probably an interesting site, but let's keep on trucking. 

TZ,

Hatzlacha Rabah, Shteig away and Keep On Trucking!!!!!!!

Gevura!

Hang in there, and get that filter on the computer now! I don't know what to tell you about school, I have the same issue at work, there's a guy i got a serious "crush" on. It got to where i was "stalking" him, finding excuses to walk past his room and get an eyeful and say hi. I would fantasize about him constantly and wished that he would signal me somehow.
When i started recovery i told my wife about him right away, somehow her knowing about it made the desire lessen. For a few weeks afterwards i went out of my way to avoid him completely, now I see him occasionally and we exchange hellos, but B"H I have gotten over the intensity of it and it's not that big a problem. I guess somehow you have to convince yourself that nothing can ever come of it, and just get used to seeing them and somehow "desensitized".

Hatzlacha and Keep On Trucking!!!!!

Gevura!

let me give chzzuk


numero uno

u are a great guy

numero dos

u are a tzaddik

numero tres

u have a little weaknes to something called lust

numero arba

many people have that weakness,same ice cream many differrent flavors

numero finiv

you can live a perfectly happy normal healthy positive life

how you ask? by ignoring triggers,by avoiding triggerrs,by not being needy

numero six

why do you feel lousy? it's the Y"Hs poison so that you come back to him for more candy

numero zibben

do i need to do teshuvah?

yes and no

yes evntually ,no if it will hinder you from trucking along


numero ocho

what should i do now?
chill out

buy food

smile

enjoy life

numero nayn

what should i do to prevent a fall??

get a filter!!! if you dont you are fooooooooling no one but yourself

number ten

there is no number 10

just keep on trucking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good news to report, I'm almost at level 3 on the 90 day chart. I'm currently with 14 days clean.... those days are already in the can. time to move on to the next level.
I must admit, this streak is way harder than my previous one which lasted 55 days, I have no clue why it should be so. I struggle relatively harder than I had expected. of course I knew and expected that it would be hard, but this is hard"er" than that. I would say -to find some positiveness out of it-  my joy each night before I go to sleep (right before I fall asleep I should say, as I could still possibly fall seconds before) is enormous more than a post could describe, I'm thrilled and overjoyed, saying to myself , "yeps I made it, let me keep it up, keep on trucking" (yes sometimes I do say to myself keep on trucking ) so it does create a stronger sense of accomplishment לפום צערא אגרא .
Despite all that I'm really mispalel it should get easier, and I hope it will as 'clean' time passes by.

mechazek: your name says it all, thanks