chosemyshem wrote on 25 Sep 2024 13:30:

Thank you for the encouragement! I got an update that i'll post now as well.
I'll check out the vaad project to see what it is.

     We cant be perfect. Dont let this one fall diminish the value of all the progress you have made. Learn from your mistakes, don't dwell on them. You've got this!

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

   I had a great but exhausting Yom Tov. One thing though is that I have married family and friends which are also in town for Yom Tov which I'm very happy for but it's a constant reminder that I am single. Now I have to return to my lonely single life and I won't be starting shidduchim any time soon.         

   How do you all deal with loneliness? I'm trying to tell myself that I'm working on myself to be the best husband I can be (working on myself in this area and others) but that doesn't chase the feeling that I'm wasting time when I could be with my wife. I'm 22 but have been feeling the distinct loneliness of missing my other half for a few years.

   There's also the parnasa part which is a work in progress.



    On another note, an unexpected guest showed up to a meal that was definitely not tznius. I did not look in her direction except to make eye contact and say hello. I asked Hashem to please make it a bit colder outside so that she would put a sweater on in the succah and BH that's exactly what happened.

   Also by Simcha Torah I made a consious effort to not look at the women section even if it's "just to see if my family arrived yet". I wasn't perfect but definitely only glanced for a second and did not linger.



Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

hopefulposek wrote on 20 Oct 2024 03:37:

Ah that's some real succos honesty right there. I feel you.

I don't have much help, but I do want to let you know that I have tremendous respect for you and what you've accomplished on the journey.

Maybe the real lesson of moving out of our comfortable houses and lives into a rickety shack where your least favorite family member is basically sitting on your lap for three days is that all pain is temporary. Gam zeh ya'avor.

You are more then welcome to join me in my secret hiding spot. Look for me in the darkest, coldest beis medrash in town. I'll be the guy who comes in for 15 minutes and doesn't even pretend to open a sefer. Just going straight for that power nap.

Hatzlacha, and as always, keep on trucking

Sitting on the subway and having a day that's not hard but it's less than proficient and had to bend down and cover my eyes as if there was sun (there was no sun) bc someone decided to step in front of me.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

   Ask Hashem, in the moment, to help you when you start to get an urge. 
   I also used to only masturbate in bed to fall asleep but it grew to doing it outside as well. I think one of the reasons why is that when I was younger (and very rarely now) I had a fear of what happens when we fall asleep and masterbation would calm me to sleep. Then as life went on that masturbation actually was a way that my body would try to relax and didnt develop proper techniques so I would masturbate. 
  Something that helps to not get urges when going to sleep is teaching yourself to sleep on your left side. Sleeping on your stomach is a recipe for disaster and on your back is better but not by much. Sleeping on your left side also helps with acid reflux and indigestion so that's a bonus.
     Also prepare yourself, why or what are those urges caused by? 
     Idk if what im saying resonates at all but I wish you hatzlacha.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Sorry to hear your having a hard time. I always say One Day At A Time or ODAAT. This is a mindset that takes each individual day and moment as its own. What happened yesterday or what may happen tomorrow doesn't matter because you cant change the past or predict the future. 
    If I were to constantly think of my past about how I used porn and masturbation for 9yrs and its so horrible and I'm a terrible person because of that, then that is extremely demoralizing. I take each day and tell myself I am going to be clean for today and if the urges come I remind/ask myself to be clean for just today. Just today is a lot easier of a concept than telling myself "I am never gonna watch porn or masturbate for the rest of my life" which is a daunting task and may lead to thoughts of "just once more and then I have the rest of my life that I wont do it".
   So take it one day at a time and don't be too hard on yourself from past mistakes, learn from them and grow more resilient from them. Each day clean is one more not down in the dumps.

   Also whats your motivation to stay clean? Think of what your trying to accomplish. I had many instances where I had to remind myself why I am working on myself. I want to be a better man for my future wife and children, I want to stop living this double life, I love how clear my mind is now after so much progress (almost a year of no porn and around 8months no masturbation) and I don't want to lose that clarity, I don't want to have to keep myself in check every time I have a conversation/see a woman and fantasize out of instinct about them (I don't want to objectify them). Remembering your motivations is a big help

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!
G'mar Chasima Tova!

I know this is a bit late of a post but here are my things I'm not doing during the aseres yemay teshuva that I hope to carry on through the year and beyond
1) No youtube shorts
2) No checking notifications during davening even though "it's only my watch" (I don't check my phone, only my watch if im in davening)
3) Say Aleinu properly (by properly I mean with all the words and trying not to rush)
4) Something at the back of my mind is Barchu bc I never think about it but we have it atleast twice a day. It's unexpectedly difficult to remember to think about barchu while saying it.
There's probably a few more I just can't think of now.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

I think the last time I was in your predicament I almost cried and asked myself and Hashem to just help me be clean for that day (night). I would ask Hashem "please help me just go to sleep, I'm so tiered and exhausted and I've put in so much effort to stay clean, can you please just help me here to stay clean and fall asleep"
Hope this helps

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

adam2014 wrote on 08 Oct 2024 09:53:

The nice thing about not being dead is you get to try something and if it doesn't work out, you can try something else.
(At least with regards to porn. Idk how it works w/r/t Judaism.)

But on the topic of trying new things.

A huge step for me personally was breaking down the wall of, "I can't do that." Not every person uses the every tool to get clean, and every struggle is different. But for a long time I felt like I can do this thing or that thing (some of them pretty wacky), but there are things that I simply could never do to get clean. And if getting clean required doing those things I would just die unclean.

Until finally I hit the point where my life was so painful from the effects of lust that I felt like I would truly do whatever it took to get out of the pit. Only then did I start making some real progress.

Adam, my friend. I have a tremendous amount of respect for you, and I love this idea of being happy and focusing on the good. I think it's a tremendous idea. But. . . I hope you don't mind me saying this. But it sounds like you're digging around for other tactics because there are things you know would be helpful but you are not willing to do. And I totally identify with that feeling. Just look at my thread. It's chock-full of weird things I tried because I wasn't willing to do the things that I knew would help but were scary (some of those weird things were admittedly pretty helpful.)

And you know what? Once I hit that point where I was willing to do anything it turns out that I only needed to do a couple small and easy things that were not nearly as scary as I had been imagining. (At least so far. Maybe one of these days I will need to walk into an SA room. And you know what. I hate the idea, but if that's what it takes I'll do anything.)

This is a very long winded way of saying pick up the phone and call HHM
Doesn't have to be HHM btw. Just make some connections. Join a vaad, email someone who's posts you respect, go to an SA meeting, open up to your rabbi or a friend you trust and who can understand the struggle.

If you've already done that, or I'm just projecting horribly, please ignore me and forgive me.

Keep on trucking happily!

Just read through your thread here. The ups, the downs, the ups again, and the downs again. And if course the amazing up (27 days!!!) your are on right now! You're a true inspiration! Keep on trucking my friend!

jewizard21 wrote on 06 Oct 2024 01:25:

A gut yur Brother,
לֵ֣ב טָ֖הוֹר בְּרָא־לִ֣י אֱלֹקִים וְר֥וּחַ נָ֜כ֗וֹן חַדֵּ֥שׁ בְּקִרְבִּֽי


Was thinking a lot about וְכָל הַחוֹשְׁבִים עָלַי רָעָה
Besides the YH, no one is really plotting evil against me . . . except sometimes (usually?) me. How often am I the one getting in my own way? I davened for clarity in making my life choices and decisions. 

Also
שֶׁהֵם מִשְׁתַּחֲוִים לָהֶֽבֶל וָרִיק
What vain and empty things in my life am I ascribing great value to? Can I stop worshiping my own ego?

We will continue saying this whole week: למענך אלקים חיים. For Your sake. But the level of לשמה is so far beyond me. I need ulterior motives - and that is ok, but don't lose sight of the objective. Don't forget that this isn't really about me and what I want. Correcting my behaviors is a step in the teshuva process, not the end. The goal is a relationship with the Ribono Shel Olam. Literally returning to Him. All the things that I want and my life, even the best and most holy things, if it's all about me, then I'm really missing the boat. Hashem please help me that the things that I'm doing and trying to do should ultimately be for the sake of bringing me closer to You. 


Gmar ch'sima tova to you and everyone

    What did you all daven about on Rosh Hashana? 
    I don't think I asked for a year of being clean. I tried to focus on the meaning of the words which are focusing on Hashem and hoped through that I will have forgiveness through me being better that I was.
    This is the first time that I can look back and definitively say that I sinned less than last year. It's amazing. I feel as if that person that was watching porn and relying on the release of masturbation didn't really exist. Is this just me lying to myself, am I moving on?  I dont know what to say but Baruch Hashem I am in a much better place than last year and I cant wait to see how this next year will turn out with all the progress I have made.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

א"ר יוחנן שלשה מכריז עליהן הקב"ה בכל יום על רווק הדר בכרך ואינו חוטא

Can you hear the בת קול thundering through the hills of Jerusalem? It's screaming "Here's a soldier that's really living life the way it's ought to be lived". Keep inspiring and keep on trucking!

 בברכת כתיבה וחתימה טובה

Bennyh wrote on 26 Sep 2024 17:17:


      I get where your coming from but I have to disagree with your conclusions. The fact is that yes we are inevitably attracted to women in a sexual manner, but you are stripping the ethical part of yourself away if you say "it's in the briah so it's meant to be". Free will is also in the briah.
    I'll give you a scenario. I'm walking on the street and turn my head and there's a woman in front of me which is where my initial glance happens to fall, or I notice her in my peripheral. How do I react?
      With your logic it sound like your saying that I should continue staring/fantasize about staring and think that's OK bc it part of the briah.
      With my logic I glance away or focus on another thing to control my initial sexual attraction which is what is the ethical thing to do. 
      Do we need to go into a discussion of why that's the ethical thing?
      Theres a difference between sexual attraction and objectifying women. Did you know that other people have emotions? They are not a shell. Objectification doesn't only apply to women in the sexual manner but people as a whole. The person behind the cash register is a person with a life, not just someone that may be a bit too slow to take your order.
     I hope I'm not losing anyone on this point but the jist of it is that you can be attracted to someone sexually without acting on that sexual temptation. How we react is where the battle of this nisoyon lies.
      Theres a lot more to say but ill leave it at here for now.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!