Gut voch guys, i just said a kapitel tehillim for both of you (and for me too)

I'm clean a lot longer, but I too still have challenges and urges all the time. I'm learning how to push them away, but it's still strictly "one day at a time".

JB, don't you have a filter? Maybe you should just block the chat site.

And use those ideas your Rav gave you. Say the pesukim, over and over if necessary. BTW I have tried the "Aish Tomid" one a few times and it works for me too. The problem is when the trigger is in front of me and the urge is overwhelming, the eitzos kind of get forgotten....

Another posuk i have seen that is supposed to be helpful is to say "hakenaani vehaperizi vehayevusi etc." (i don't remember it exactly).

And maybe you can give your Rav a call and speak to him...

All the best, hang in there and Keep on Trucking!!!!

Gevura!

Thank you all for all your support.

I really do appreciate it.

I am going to post only because I feel I owe it to many of you, and because some of you haven't heard from me for a very long time. I am sorry but today's post is a long one. Don't try to tackle unless you've set aside time for it.

Here is the latest in my life, in order to allay your concerns and to give you guys hope that I may be rescuable yet.

Today, I stand, bli ayin hara, 7 full days clean! (This is an achievement because I've never went for more than 6 days ever!!) I chose to stop Monday night of last week, and Monday night was the last time I was motzi zera levatalah.

I'll start by telling everyone that on Monday night, I hit rock-bottom, at least in my eyes. I am considered to be a smart, considerate, well-mannered, mature, and obviously, very religious Jewish man. People take my advice seriously. I am a hazan at a local shul for shabbat musaf which I love. Everyone in my high school looks at me and thinks the highest of me. So to tell anyone that I suffer from gay ta'avot would be a complete disaster for me. Everyone's thoughts of me would crumble, and I would hate that. I would lose the respect of my parents and my family name would be tarnished. Not to mention the fact that I am my parents' only son. It would kill them. And if they would find out that I found, not one or two, but ten separate guys who would drop everything in a second to do with me anything, and that out of those ten, I found two of those attractive enough to reciprocate those desires, they would be so ashamed. And I thought long and hard about my actions, and what I could possibly end up as. And I hated every option. That night, right after Arbit, I resolved to tell a close Rav of mine, who knows my whole family extremely well, everything. I had already told my Rabbi from High School (by the way, both of them are ashkenaz, so I feel very comfortable speaking here) about my problem, as stated previously in my first post. He had been so busy recently that I hated to disturb him, but I felt that I should two Wednesdays past, when I had made plans to meet up with one of these two attractive men. He warned me not to go, and so, came the day of the event, that Sunday, and I didn't end up going. The next day I resolved to speak to my family Rav because I had such strong urges to disobey my Rabbi. And so, that Monday night, I approached the Rav and asked him if we could talk. He told me to visit his house Wednesday, and from Monday night to Wednesday night I did not do a single action, nor did I look anywhere on the web for an outlet to release any tension. Wednesday night came, and I spilled the beans to my Rav, who gave me such amazing advice. He told me to change my passwords, which he did right then and there, so that I wouldn't have access on my own to my email which contained the contact information of the two attractive men. He told me to dip in the mikveh (off-peak hours, of course) and told me to walk outside, rub my forehead and while doing that say the passuk "Lev tahor bera li elokim, veruach nachon chadesh bekirbi" ten times, and then say, without rubbing my forehead, the passuk "Or Zarua Latzaddik, ulyishrei lev simcha" seventeen times, and then say these ten pirkei tehillim (writing it down for both your sakes and mine: 16, 32, 41, 42, 59, 77, 90, 105, 137, 150. He then told me that I would have to purchase a beged and tzitzit stings and we would start making a new pair of tzitzit that day. And he told me a few other personal things of myself to change. I did everything he told me and now we are halfway done with my tzitzit (his trick with tzitzit is to go over the 613 mitzvot while tying the knots so that when you look at them, you can fulfill the mitzvah of ureetem oto uzchartem et kol mitzvoth hashem (chiddush, no?). Since that Wednesday night, I have suffered very few ta'avot, if any at all. It's actually been quite easy to rid myself of the terrible thoughts. My Rav also advised me to rub my forehead whenever I lust and to say "Esh Tamid tukkad alhamizbeach, lo tichbeh" as many times as necessary with the intent to destroy the thoughts. What helps with me is imagining them burning up like paper would burn and finally leaving my mind. It is seemingly very easy. My only worry is that this is not the hard part.

So that's the whole explanation. Again, I'm sorry if I wasted your time and I'm sorry it's such a long post.

I will obviously be back when the going gets rough, but until them, as Gevura very fondly puts it, KEEP ON TRUCKING!

I read alot of your posts and i love you man you are so expressive and thorough I would like to let you know that i started this sight when i was 17 hence my name im 18 now thank G-D and i recently restarted posting its doing wonders for me keep on trucking each day is special.And hatzlachah with many more days clean and free shalom brother

Today I made 180 days on the WOH!!

I want to once again express my Hakoras Hatov to:

    The Ribono Shel Olam, for giving me a second chance and leading me here.

    My wife, without her love and acceptance I would be completely lost.

    Rabbeinu Guard, for creating this wonderful community.

    Each and every one of you, for being my friend.


May we all be Zoche to Keep On Trucking!

Gevura!

NeiroYair wrote on 11 Jan 2012 05:21:



I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAD THE ZECHUYA

TO KNOW OUR REBBE ZECHUSOI YAGEIN ALEINU

HE ALWAYS TAUGHT US

"FELL SHMELL KEEP ON TRUCKING"

WE ALSO HAD THE ZECHUYA

TO HEAR FROM HIM

"MY TRUCK AIN'T GOT NO REVERSE"

WE DON'T DWELL ON THE PAST

WE LIVE LIFE.

YOU HAVE A STORY

WE ALL HAVE A STORY

NOW WE DRIVE TRUCKS

THAT'S IT

want a muffin?

If you know what you're doing (and I do) no filter or accountability software is foolproof. I can get around all of that in a few minutes (I won't say how, and I've never actually done it). The only thing that really works is a filtered connection like Jnet where the filtering is done at the ISP. And even then your neighbor probably has an open WiFi, or your local park, library, airport etc.....

In the end all the filters are just to slow you down so you don't fall in without thinking, or to protect from mistakes. It's like the guardrail at the edge of a cliff, you can still climb over if you really want to....

Keep on Trucking, and stay away from the edge!!

Gevura!

Welcome aboard, Keepstrong!

The fact that you are here is a huge first step. You really want to take care of this. Yes it can be hard at first, but it will become easier with time.

Dive right in, post and share on the forum, read the handbooks, sign up for the emails. there are many paths to recovery, you will find what works for you. And you will have fun and make new friends too.

Here is a link to the"official welcome package" with links to all the "goodies".
http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=3677.0

Keep Strong, and Keep On Trucking!!! (You will find out what that means soon enough )

Gevura!

Great!

Keep On Trucking.

Just do your best with Shmiras Einayim, and try to keep yourself occupied with other things. Don't obsess about 'I'm gonna fall", that might just backfire on you.

Stay strong and Keep On Trucking!!!

Gevura!

Happy Birthday Emuna!

And like Shteebs says, you need to get proactive about stopping the actions, as well as working on the attitudes that are taking you there. Posting here is the first step, you need to look into the various options available and find what works for you. Handbooks, phone calls, meetings, speaking to friends/rov/parents, etc.

It's not hopeless, but YOU have to take the first step.

Keep On Trucking!

Gevura!

Welcome, NY and wow what a story. I can relate to so much of it, especially the loneliness, and the perfectionism to some extent as well.

One practical suggestion, if I may, relating to this:
I also love music and singing, and one of the (many) regrets from my childhood is that I never learned to play an instrument. But I am doing that now! I have a guitar, and I recently started learning how to play it. It's a great outlet and fills some of the time I used to spend on the computer  :-[ . Also, a couple of my kids are interested in music too, and they are getting piano lessons, so we "jam" together and it's a wonderful way to connect with them.

So, it's never too late to start! maybe you can do the same and you will find it to be helpful. One word of caution: It takes time and a lot of practice, so don't let the perfectionist in you get you discouraged if it's harder than it seems at first (I'm talking to myself too).

Chazak Ve'Ematz and Keep On Trucking!!

Gevura!

IT'S NOT WHETHER WE CAN IMPERSONATE THE REBBE

NO ONE CAN IMPERSONATE THE REBBE

WE JUST HAVE TO KEEP ON TRUCKING 'TIL HE COMES BACK

HADA HU DICHSIV

BARDICHEV SCHMITCHEV KOT

"Sheva Yipol Tzaddik V'Kam"! Even though you fall over and over,  you pick yourself up and try again. You are a TzaddiK!

Keep On Trucking!!!!

Gevura!

Welcome Stronger!

I am one of those married guys in his 40s that you don't want to be  :-\ :-[ .

You have gone through a lot of terrible experiences, and you have already done a ton of work on yourself. And you have a great attitude! You are so lucky to be getting a handle on this when you are young and single.

There are loads of resources here to work with. Read the handbook, get active on the forum, sign up for the emails, consider joining one of the phone groups. And we are all here to share, support, and just have a good time .

Hatzlacha, a Lechtige Chanuka, and Keep On Trucking!! (if you don't know what that means you'll find out soon enough  ;D )

Gevura!

P.S. If you're interested my story is here, maybe you've seen it already....
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4125.0

And here's the "Official Welcome Package" with links to all the goodies...

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
GYE E-Mail Helpline: gye.help@gmail.com
GYE Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100

helpme! wrote on 19 Dec 2011 09:45:


Looks like you're getting the idea of "One day at a time"! Sometimes it needs to be "one minute at a time".

KUTGW & Keep on Trucking!

Gevura!