Hey guys, it's Avrami.

Where I should start I'm not sure. Where i will start I am sure. More details will come as they come.

Today I took the first really practical step towards my recovery, I got rid of my internet enabled phone. I am too smart for all the provider lock systems and blocks. I will get around everything. Now I have a phone which doesn't have connectivity to data. Its solely talk and text. I'm having trouble dealing with it because the volume is terrible on it meaning I doubt I will be able to make phone calls for the group. Also the keypad is terrible so its difficult for me to text and there is no keyboard. Its a struggle. My only hope is that I hope Hashem will allow me to get through this and get over it. I feel it's my only hope.

If anyone would like to reach me, I can be reached by email at maccabee5770@gmail.com or by phone @ (617)407-2771. I would love if anybody contacted me.

Now my internet access will be probably only a couple times a day. I don't have a computer so I will be using another bochur's.

I read Steve's letter to his wife that he posted. It made me realize that although I am not married and know that the addiction will not lessen when I get married be"h or by getting married, I don't REALLY realize it. I am somehow convincing myself that I will be different. I know it to the extent that I get very depressed and scared by the fact that I am an addict and I have SO much work to do before I get married. But it doesn't penetrate me enough to actually stop acting out.

On the other hand I don't think that that realization alone COULD stop me if I was always within two clicks reach of acting out. Therefore I hope with Hashem's help that my new life starts now. I can't do it alone I need Hashem to help me. But those are only words. Do I really believe them? I hope I do. Or rather I beg Hashem that I should really believe them.

Replies and feedback are welcome and appreciated.

Hi! Hatzocha and thanks for writing in such detail! Keep on going, man!

PS.


You are hoping for two things:

1- that my new life starts now, and
2- that you do not try to do it alone.

Then you, as far as I am concerned, hit the nail on the head when you wrote, "this is just words, do I really believe them? I hope so."

So, let me dare to ask. Exactly how do we make these things 'not just words'? How?

The answer the program teaches me is: we put them into action. We start living them. We 'try them on like a shirt'. That'll teach us what's missing in us, for the shirt will not fit. Guaranteed. Until we start to do that (sometimes annoying) process, they are always just words.

So how do we do that for, "I am starting life anew"?

Well, in what ways do I fall back into my old life?

Some suggestions:

By thinking in the same ways as I have till now about women/men/G-d's relevance/my needs/peoples' attitudes toward me and of themselves/the power of others/my badness/my goodness/my place in the world/other drivers on the road/elevators/lying/my parents/my wife/my kids/women I work with or see in the street/Rabbis/and other things...etc; by reacting to things that happen in the way I always have till now; by feeling down about my past behavior and allowing myself the luxury of self-pity now; and many other ways.

Recovery to me, means that there is - there must be - another way to internally deal with all those things. A way that leaves me at peace with myself, with G-d and His decisions, and with the people around me. Maybe not a perfect peace, but at least enough peace that I do not need to medicate myself...

That takes practice. Slow progress and years of practice. It means hanging around people who think about these things in a useful way - and keeping away from those who think about them in my old way. That's why I need to go to meetings. Which brings us to the next thing you want: 

How do we put, "I can't do it alone" into action?

Well, you added the words, "I need Hashem to help me." Now, while we certainly need G-d, why do you consider opening up to G-d as the the response to your old buddy, isolation? Not to insult your faith, but what gives you the idea that sitting alone on your room and talking to an invisible Entity is a sufficiently useful exercise in not isolating?! - For a person who has trained for years at hiding (in order to keep acting out our adventures undisturbed), lying (to maintain our double-identity and ehrlicher-yid image), isolating (in depression and self-disgust after we messed up). These habits need an axe rather than a band-aid! No?

AA ch.5: "We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not."

I recognize that you are entitled to your opinion, but you asked for feedback....

The program told me that before I get right with G-d, I need to get right with people. I need to de-isolate by opening myself up to people. That's the idea behind the meetings and fellowship. That's the idea behind the work of steps 4-7 (on our conflict with people) and the amends of the 8th, 9th, and 10th steps (to people we wronged) all coming before the 11th step's reaching for a relationship and partnership with G-d.

We religious people tend too easily to 'get religious' instead of solving problems. When those problems have to do with more than just our view of G-d, but also involve our view of people and ourselves, we need to face the whole thing rather than hide behind Hashem. I did that plenty, trust me.

BTW, a long time ago I posted a thing about how we can see this in the natural development of a person, first with parents, then friends, then a spouse, then children, eventually alone with G-d (which is the way it always was anyway!)...maybe I'll search for it. It fits nicely with this idea. Whatever.

Hatzlocha!! 

I hear your point Dov. I guess the fact that I didn't write that means that for some reason I don't REALLY believe that talking to others will get me through.

I CAN say in my defense, that actually earlier this week, I did try to call you when I was having a very strong urge, you didn't answer, and the rest of the details aren't important except that I ended up falling.

I DO NOT blame you.

AND, I'm not trying to make excuses. I accept full responsibility. Because I didn't try all my avenues before acting out. I should have tried leaving you a message, calling someone else, getting to a public place rather than confining myself to my room etc.

I hear you. It's late but I must tell you that my work just moved to a basement and there is not (and will not be, they say) any cellphone reception.

So if you want me to get back to you, you will need to leave a message on the answering thingy with your number and when I can call back.

If you did that and I still didn't call back, then I am really sorry, Avrami. I will try not to do that again.

But thanks for not blaming anyone. Yeah, rooms are not typically the best place to be then...

I think it is great that you are reaching out, though (you did!), and for posting.

Btw dov, I LOVE feedback. It drives me, to a certain extent.

Hello. Checking-in.

I haven't posted in a bit and am rushing to go to seder now. I'm late for the kid I tutor. Is that selfish of me? That instead of rushing down to him I'm on the computer in the spare minute I have (or don't have) to catch up on the other guys in recovery and add an update? Maybe.

Anyway, I officially sent off my internet-enabled phone home to my father to use. I have officially gotten rid of it. All I'm left with is a tallk and text phone. B"H I already see improvements just in the way of not wasting time as much and going to seder and learning. Last night I had a very productive night seder.

Anyway, thats the quick update for now, I really feel bad (maybe guilty?) for not going to seder yet. I'm going now.

Talk to y'all tonight Be"H!

Maccabee wrote on 27 Dec 2010 21:15:


Good evening Avrami,

Unfortunately, in some people's cases it gets worse when one gets married.  It was that way with me.  I had been sober for almost a whole year before we were married, but with all the stresses of marriage I fell back into only 7 months after marriage.

Please understand... I am NOT trying to be a downer. 

However, recent events in my life are helping me see the whole situation a little more clearly.  I was single, got married, and now am on my way towards being single again.  The only thing that hasn't changed is that I'm still an addict.

It is this addiction that is ruining our lives.  And it won't stop with you... it will try to destroy your future marriage, children, job, etc. 

But you can stop it.  However, you have to get aggressive with it.  You have to stop it NOW.  Now, while your interests aren't as divided by being married.

Your in the right place.  Stick with GYE... I wish I had found it before I was married.

Hatzlocha rabba!

Tuvia/Steve

You know when I first read that I felt like I was being ridiculed and told that I am hopeless, I felt I was being told that I'm not really trying hard enough and am only convincing myself that I'm making progress. I felt upset with you that you could accuse me of such a thing as not working hard. Similar to what Dov expressed on the call on Sunday.

PLEASE understand Steve that I AM NOT taking it that way, only because I believe that you are truly trying to give me support and help me. I know in my mind that we are all brothers helping each other out. Emotionally I (apparently) haven't accepted that yet.

I realize that the pain of your situation when you wrote that probably caused you to write that with unintentional sharpness which I am reading too much into. Hashem please help me that I should be able to see Steve's post for what it is. Help, response, support. He doesn't mean me any harm and only wants to help me grow. Tomorrow I will look at the post again and hopefully see it in a different light.

Steve, I am so incredibly happy to hear the good news and wish you much success in continuing to better your relationship with your wife.

I KNEW there was another way of reading that. :-) Thanks a bunch Shmuel! I sort of had a feeling that was what he was saying but as i continued reading my YH told me that he MUST be saying something more than that.

Steve I still love you with all my heart :-). Hope all is well. May we all learn from this experience of Steve's and continue to strengthen our steps.

Now i need to get cracking on WRITING my story/history. It's easier said than done! I just can't get myself to sit down with a paper and pen... Am I scared? I've taken bigger steps than this before, haven't I? Whats the worst that can happen? (Actually lets NOT get into that...) It will be so much better for me if I get it all on paper. Just some measly laziness (or as my therapist says; a MAJOR core belief) is preventing me from doing something which I know is beneficial? HA! I'll do it tonight! Be"H! At least I'll start...

Computer is even harder cuz I only have a few minutes on it. It's not mine after all.

Avrami, I am so sorry.  Rereading it I can see how it comes accross as terse.  I wanted you to know what I had just found... after my whole marriage of looking.

I had been involved with p* and m* for a long time in my younger years, then I got a little clean only to find myself back in my addiction when I got married.  It wasn't that marriage was the problem, it was that I didn't learn how to deal with stress properly so that when I got married I just turned back to my old addiction.

YOU ARE FAR FROM HOPELESS!!!  You are an amazing person!!!!!  Incredibily stronger then most everyone else in this world who won't face their addictions.  Your an inspiration to me and many others on these boards.

When I "cleaned" up before marriage, it wasn't really cleaning up.  I was just shoving my addiction and the stress that causes it into the closet.  Only for it to remanifest after marriage.

What you are doing is 1000 times more effective.  You are here on GYE, making calls, and working the program.  You are facing your addiction and actually dealing with the things that cause it.  For that you way better off than me (and in secret, I really think I have it good so I can't imagine how wonderful your position is  ).

So keep working the program, make the calls, and find the right outlets.  You, with G-d's help, are going to beat this... I can see it.  Your strong in your emunnah.

Love you achi!

Steve

Thanks a bunch Steve, I know you didn't mean it. My YH wanted me to think so though. BH I got through that. Thanks go out to Shmuel as well.

My therapist had told me that if I'm feeling angry or otherwise upset in some way towards someone else, I should speak it out. That way it doesn't build up to exploding point and I can even realize how really the whole anger is only coming because of my warped mind. Thank you for understanding. I hope you didn't take the response personally in a bad way. We're all in this together working on ourselves and working to be closer to our loved ones and to G-d. (Is He also a loved one? I think so. :-) )

Sometimes I wonder though, am I really working on this or might I just be holding it in waiting for another explosion and maybe I can't handle stress. Maybe I'm not really experiencing stress and when it hits me I won't be able to deal with it. Or, maybe that's my YH talking. Whatever the situation is Steve you have truly done an amazing job in that area and I hope I'll be able to mirror that reaction if I C"V have a stressful situation.

Regardless of that I want to wish everyone on our group a brocha that we shouldn't have to know of these things at all, anymore.

My friend in this program we dont sweat anything. We give it up to god to do the worrying. So chill out its not for you to worry if you will explode later. If god wants you to explode you will explode if not not.