Hi I am Stu and I am an addict!

I am married 10 + years with kids B”H and have realized many times in the past few years how this addiction is controlling me and making my life unmanageable at times. 
Like many it all started when I was 12-13 and discovered mbtn.  This continued through high school and my teens using cable TV, porno videos, magazines and plain fantasies as a stimulus. I used to wait and stay up late Sat night watching the dirty movies in a foreign language.  If that particular night’s movie was not an “adult” film, I would switch to the pay channel that was fuzzed out, but trying to make out the blurry naked body figures. 

I got married in my twenties and figured that would be the end of my lust problems.  Although we had (and still do) a very healthy bed life, I am still struggling in this area.  Particularly when she is a nida and asur to me, I fall.  Not only would I sometimes mbt, but many times I ended up trying to mess around with her during the wrong time of the month.  (I have made improvements in this area recently).  Whenever I know that any day she’s going to be asur I would get very nervous; always trying to chap one more time, knowing that I would have a difficult subsequent 2 weeks.  You could imagine how I felt before she would give birth!  Although this is not necessarily wrong, it just doesn’t seem the right reason to have sex, i.e. better do it now because it will be a while until you can do it again.

Ok now let’s move on to the real problem – internet.  The last few years I’ve been victimized by porn on the internet.  Several times I would spend hours and hours looking and looking and more looking without being able to stop.  Sound familiar anyone?  I would be up to the wee hours of the morning, sometimes with my wife or even kids sleeping in the same room.  Although each time I said ok just one more click or until the battery dies, I would have the strength to continue, plug it in and continue until orgasm.  The weird thing is that even though I feel like such a yutz going to sleep at 2am, somehow I would be able to get out of bed five hours later to make it to a 7.30 minyan on a Sunday morning!  Why bother after what I just did? 

Perhaps what even bothers me more is that I’ve acted out many many times at work also.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t have my own private office where I could get away with this.  I can’t count how many days where I mamesh just wasted the whole afternoon looking at porn.  My productivity without a doubt suffers and somehow I get away with it.  If I was my employer I would have fired myself a long time ago. My emunah is that professionally I am not as advanced as I should be because of my addiction.
Of course after wasting a day at work and staying late to look at porn, I would come home grumpy, irritable and even depressed to my wife and kids.  It’s really not fair when my wife calls me in the middle of watching something asking what time I am coming home and I tell her I am busy and have a lot of work to finish.

I tried to justify that this only occurs when I am not together with my wife, but realize that’s not true.  It happens all the time.  Why do I do these things?  Most of the time I think its due to boredom, feeling yucky and tired of the work.  But sometimes even when I have a lot of (non boring) work to complete I drop the work and lust out.  I guess its just an escape of dealing with life and reality.

About 1 ? years ago right after Succos after acting out following such a high of the Yom Tov season, I really realized I needed help and came to GYE.  I think I am making progress, but I am probably far from being cured.  On one hand its encouraging to see that so many others have the same problems and even done worse things than me (I never done anything live or illegal).  On the other hand I see many people succeeding, but I am not there yet.
What have I done?  I started (and still do) read the Chizuk e-mails on a daily basis.  After time I continued to look at porn, so I took the next step and installed the K9 filter on my home and work computer.  This helped until I found a way to watch porn on Google video that K9 didn’t filter.  After a while it did start to filter.  Then I started to watch inappropriate youtube videos. Although it wasn’t technically nudity or porn it’s pretty close to it and we all know it’s wrong.  I occasionally joined Elya’s phone conference, but it’s difficult with no follow up or sponsors to communicate with.  I don’t post too much on these blogs as I find the site very big and hard to manage to keep up with everything.

I did confide with my wife my problem at one point when I had some sobriety under my belt (not necessarily with all the above details, though).  It has helped a bit, but I don’t really feel comfortable discussing with it her now.  Mainly because I think she thinks I am a lot cleaner than I am.  Occasionally she asks me if I am “kosher” lately and I would tell her yes if I am, and try to brush off the question if I am not (that’s my way of keeping honest?)

Overall I go through occasional periods of 3-4 weeks clean but time after time I would find some way to fall.  My latest nisayon is my blackberry.  Even though I had it for 2 ? years, a couple months ago for some reason I caved and just started using it for porn.  Oh yeah the reason is that my phone carrier upgraded my data package to 500 mg from 4 mg.  Before I was always nervous of surfing the net fearing I would go over my limit, now I don’t have to worry about it.  I tried getting a lower data package, but 500 is the minimum.  I looked into J-net as a filter, but it’s not compatible with my package.

About a month ago I stated chatting with another GYE member and it has helped a lot.  This past month was the first time that I could remember in YEARS that I was clean during the entire period (no pun intended) that I wasn’t together with my wife.  I’ve also been making a progress in not looking at the ladies in the street.  (I hope to post more details on this in a later post when I have time).  Although I did have a fall this week (stupid blackberry) I am hopping it’s just a little bump in the road.

I am not sure if this is what was intended to be written and apologize if my rant went on too long.  I don’t like deep thinking too much, but I just like to leave with two thoughts/questions of why I or we continue to look when we’re trying to stop;
a) I am just viewing this because she is so pretty and beautiful.  Sometimes I hear myself justifying continuing to enjoy the picture as it’s a creation of Hashem.  Am I crazy for thinking this or is that the yetzer hora talking to me?
b) Self control.  Isn’t it just a matter of controlling our self control to say enough is enough?  I know that once I start I can’t stop.  Why can’t we put a gage on this self control?

Good going have a good day

it is amazing to me how much your thoughts resemble mine. your story is so close to mine. lots of hatzlocho, stuart.

Good honesty here.

I just thought I'd mention that if your current package is not suitable for Jnet's filter - THEN GET A PACKAGE THAT IS, for G-d's sake!

It's like saying, "my current car doesn't have breaks. Oh well."

(You need to get enterprise+jnet)

Good doing Stu,

We are all very proud of you and happy to have aboard.

The Never Believer wrote on 01 Jul 2010 14:26:

Ditto on that.  The following two quotes really spoke to me.

Stuart wrote on 01 Jul 2010 04:58:

Stuart wrote on 01 Jul 2010 04:58:


I will try to comment more later. 

guardureyes wrote on 01 Jul 2010 14:51:

I looked into it and it doesn't seem that easy or even costly to do where I live.  My plan is coming up for renewal soon and I will look into other alternatives.  Call me naieve, but I am hoping this was just a temporary problem.

The Never Believer wrote on 01 Jul 2010 14:26:


Same here.

Stuart wrote on 01 Jul 2010 04:58:


Of course it does.

Stuart wrote on 01 Jul 2010 04:58:


For years, I wished I just didn’t have my own office, wished I would be just enjoy my job so I wouldn’t have the need to act out, and  I wished I would have my own business, so I wouldn’t need to act out.  If only these circumstances would  be different, I wouldn’t act out at all, right? Wrong.

Today, I no longer have my own office, I own my own business, and truly enjoy what I do, I’m good at it.  Hasn’t stopped me a thing, I spend every moment my office is empty, come here at night to surf and I act out more than ever.

Bottom line, circumstantial excuses, are just that, excuses!

Stuart wrote on 01 Jul 2010 04:58:


Couldn’t have said it better, sometimes I really feel sorry for my wife, she waits for me to come home all day, but I had “soo much work” and when I finally turn up, I’m all grumpy (“work stress”).  Half hour after I get home, I have to leave to “mincha “, yeah sure!

Stuart wrote on 01 Jul 2010 04:58:


There is a way to completely delete the internet browser on the Blackberry, through a program called CrackUtil, the internet connection is still there but the browser is gone.  Be very careful with CrackUtil, you can really mess up if you don’t know what your doing (backup first), PM me if you want detailed instructions.  The only issue with this is that you can always put the browser back on but only from your PC, not when your in the bathroom and want to watch porn.

hatzlocha

Your story reminded me of something I heard. The computer companies find the best computer hackers and hire them to build a uncrackable security system. For some reason it doesn't work. The reason is that when your trying to break in you have  a very burning desire to break in and nothing can stop you. When your in to make a security system nu nu. The same with us aaddicts, no one can compete with our desire to get past the filters we will always find a way
behatzlacha

MosheF wrote on 02 Jul 2010 13:53:

But then we wonder why when were in the mood they have no interest.  Boy do we need this program.

Hello, this is Chesky/Joel.  Stu, I liked your share.  I'm new to this group and this is my first share.
I can relate to the insanity of this disease, it makes me do things I don't want to do.  I struggled with porn since as long as I can remember.  There are many tools that I use to help me stay clean.  By the grace of G-d things have been much better lately.  But I know my disease is doing push-ups and waiting to attack.  Reading the emails are very good reminders for me of what lust really has to offer (pain and unhappiness).  I find the more I have humilty and accept life on life's terms the better I am.  The more I can get out of the driver's seat and let Hashem take over and I just take directions from him, the better off I become.  Thanks for listening and letting me share. 

A few weeks ago I felt I was making tremendous progresss.  I was very careful not to take any second looks at any potential trigering women, especially in the streets.  For the most part, it worked.

Unfortunatly, I had a horrible last week. At times when acting out, I knew at the time I shouldn't be doing it, and I know that I really wanted to stop, but I kinda felt "out of control" and powerless. 

Ok, on to the next step...

Hey Stuart,

We all feel the high when we start and it weakens with time (I believe that the high is not reality - we are now facing reality) . I don't know if you were able to make it last Wednesday but Dov suggested that we call someone BEFORE we act out. He gave an example of someone in front of a magazine rack, picking up the phone and saying "hey, I'm in front of a magazine rack and want to buy one, I know this is stupid and that I will have no control over it once I take it home..." The point is that it takes you out of isolation, and it is "humbling" and will stop you in your tracks. He also asked someone in the group, how can you act out if you really believe in the first step. At first I was thinking, what do you mean, it is a natural urge... But I think that I understand it now. I think that he was trying to say that if we really believe that we can't afford it, we would stop ourselves way before we get to the point of no return. 

Here's my attempt at Step 2;
I've come to terms that that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, i.e. Hashem.

People or situations I behave differently (in order of least severe)
a) I give a lot more respect to the old wealthy men in shul relative to the "regular" old men in shul.  Perhaps I just to do it for my own kavud so that they would acknowlege me.  I know there's not too much damage here, but realize this is  a situation where I behave different.  ok on to the other stuff...

b) I probably tend to do more favours or even just more casual conversations to girls or women who are pretty and good looking - more so than the fat and ugly women.  There may not be any issur in this, but obviously this "attraction" is causing me to do more only because of physical reason.

c)  I give in to lust very easily.  Not sure if I'm suppose to be specific here, but specifically I would see someone dressed provocatively (either on screen or in person) and feel I NEED to see more - i.e. I need to look further down the blouse, or up the legs.  I would do anything to see more (on the computer).  If its pleasing to me, I want to see more and more of something similiar, like a compulsion.  Once I'm in the mode, I feel like I'm in a trance and I can't stop.  Even when I'm waiting for the image/video to download or I need to take a temporary break beyond my control (to answer a phone call, give a report to the boss, go to a crying a baby) in the back of my mind I am still thinking of that I need to get back as if I am so dependent on this and I need it more than anything i.e. the porn is in control of me and I am giving power to it.

So I guess the above is suppose to show that I use lust opportunities with so much energy as if it could help me, instead of trusting in G-d?  In the end this lust does not help me, it just makes me feel worse.  I therefore come to terms that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity - i.e. G-d.

Is that right or am I totally off base?  I do have a major question with above, but wanted to first post this to see if I am on the right track.

I think you're on exactly the right track.  What's your question?