dov wrote on 07 Oct 2010 03:27:


That was really really clear, Dov--award winning, even.  Thanks that explained a lot.

--Eye.

Things have been really complicated here lately.  Really stressful.

Basically, we have some close relatives that are trying to come to Israel and visit us.  However, they're not invited; we don't want to see them.

We've gotten some advice from some really helpful people (who I have met either directly or indirectly through this forum), and we're about as happy as we could be expected to be about the way things are turning out.

It's about setting boundaries.  And, I wanted to write a little about it here because it's very liberating.  I've noticed that this has been far more stressful than anything that would usually cause me to act out, but I haven't been feeling much of an urge.

I've been feeling "I'm disappointed."  "I'm angry."  I don't know, maybe it helps to just recognize your feelings.

But that's not the amazing part.

Here we are, people that are coming un-invited.

We started off our discussions with them basically as whether or not it's feasible for them to come; trying to convince them.

BUT, you can't convince anyone.  You can't CONTROL what they do.

So, we thought we just had to accept whatever they do.  AND THIS IS THE MAJOR THING WE LEARNED.

You can't control what people are doing, but you don't have to let them do it TO YOU!

They might visit, but we still have the option not to open the door.  Or to call the police.  Or to go hide out in a friend's house. 

AND, if we don't have to convince anyone, that means WE DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING.  WE DON'T HAVE TO ARGUE.

We say "this is what I'm capable of, and I can't discuss it now."  "If you respect it, fine.  If not, we're just going to leave."

So, in accepting that I'm not out to convince anyone or control anyone, I feel more empowered than ever before.  If I don't like what they do, I don't have to win a three-hour debate to make them agree with me.  I can just leave, which is a million times more simple.

Stupid, never realized this before.

I don't have to waste any energy thinking of what to say.  I'll just say, "I'm not willing to go into this now."

WOW

  --Eye.

That was beautiful, reb Eye!

We'll be over at 11 tomorrow night with the kids and the dog (and the fish), to celebrate,  OK?

don't forget the sheep too!

All right, Eye, if you're so against it, I'll find somewhere else to stay with my family!

I'm sorry, but due to extenuating circumstances, I am unable to discuss this any further.

This party is starting to seem exciting...
I"ll supply cigars for the boys...

Eye, amush:
You reminded me of a silly grownups cartoon book that was lying around the house. The main character gave advice saying, "If you ever don't feel like doing anything, just say to them, 'I'm afraid that would be simply impossible.'" In theory, that line leaves NO OPENING for further discussion. None. Kloom!

And the advice goes on to say that if someone doesn't get that and tries to push back, do NOT give them ANY information as to WHY it's impossible. That simply opens the door for something sticky. Simply STICK TO YOUR GUNS, says the cartoonist, and repeat the line as often as needed, "I'm afraid that would be simply impossible."

Somehow in the cartoon, it seemed sorta mean or at least naive. When you share the same thought, though, it comes out very centered and empowering and all that.

I think I'll give it a try. Thanks for your insights. (As always.)

(Does this mean I can't bring the family for seder? :-<  )

One of our party just asked me to ask you: Are there enough couches to lay on there, or is it going to be 'the same old story'....then he insisted I tell you that he is done shedding and was recently 'tutored'. Well, that's what he calls it.... :o ??? :-X

Tried-123 wrote on 19 Oct 2010 19:19:


Oooooh! I'm crashing!

dov wrote on 20 Oct 2010 03:05:


Ok  ???  ???

Tried-123 wrote on 20 Oct 2010 19:49:


...it was our dog that wanted to know....(get it? 'couches,' 'same old story'....?)

Anyway, we'll be there.

(woof)

I was feeling lots of RID not too long ago, and in my mind I was blaming my wife for it all.

Then, I broke it down into its components.  We have a lot of stressful things going on.
1.  My mom is visiting.
Not my wife's fault.  And, it's only for another couple of weeks.
2.  Difficult situation with in-laws.
Also not my wife's fault.  And, we've made a lot of progress with this.  The crisis is basically over.
3.  I'm totally off schedule.
Partly because of 1 and 2.  Also, because I've been making the DC calls, which used to work out nicely.  But, we went to daylight savings time while the US hasn't yet.  It's been a bit rough.  BUT, this is also a temporary situation.  And, it's also not my wife's fault.

I managed to get rid of the resentments I was feeling towards my wife.

And, looking at all the stressful situations we are under, I came to terms with the things I cannot change, and I made whatever change I could.  I started leaving kollel about 15 minutes earlier than I had been and switched to an early Ma'ariv before coming home.  Then I can come home for the evening, instead of having to run out again some time later to daven.  Not such a big change, but enough to make my evenings feel more managable.  And, it was my evening work plans that were suffering the most.

So, overall,I"m feeling much better about things.

--Eye.

Thanks for sharing that. You really helped me. Its good to be reminded
that everybody goes through the same things. I always think my wife is to blame for everything.

Wow! That's not fair! My wife knows that I really am to blame for everything! Boo hoo!


hahahahahahah