Quick Thought about Rosh Hashanah--

I said to my wife that it feels kinda' uneventful this year.  Just another Shacharis, Mincha, Maariv.

She said--we'll because it's all about accepting Hashem as King, and putting OUR will aside and accepting HIS will.  And THAT'S exactly what we've been working on for months now!  (Thanks again to GYE and DC's 12-step calls).

--Eye.

Your chidush on the Taste of Water when it is stolen - proves that it is ALL in our heads!
For example:
If I were to eat a delicious piece of cake, really savoring each bite, - What tremendous Hanaah!

only to look down at the last piece on my plate to find some mushed bugs - it would all turn into disgust!

So also with regular pleasures - we can savor them and give thanks to HaShem - even for water.


So

Hi Eye,  been a while since I been here.  How is everything?  Wishing you and yours the best for this year.

Yeah, I've been really busy (like everyone else) with the Yomim Noraim, and getting ready for Succos.  Actually planning a GYE Kumzitz here, so if you were wondering about coming to Israel for the holiday, here's an extra incentive.

--Eye.

118 days.

Just noticed something really amazing.  We've had a bit of news lately that really upset my wife.

In the past, I would think "My wife is sad, so now I have to be sad, so now I'm resentful at her for having to be sad, and I wish I could make her just be happy."  I'd usually end up acting out.

NOW, however, she can be upset, and I don't have to be upset.  I can control my own response; I can take charge of my own emotions.

I noticed--hey, my wife is upset, but I'm still calm.  I'm not brooding, and I'm not escaping into a fantasy world.

I don't have to depend on my wife to be happy!  (So, if my wife isn't happy, I don't have to start thinking that maybe I would be happier with someone else)

I'm not being callous or blaming or belittling.  ADARABA, I think I'm being sympathetic, understanding, and helpful.

My wife said to me this morning, "You're a changed man; can you help me to change too?"

So, I'm trying my best to introduce her to the 12-steps work, to a change in attitude.  I've been sharing informally for months, but this morning we sat down for an hour together and did some more serious work.

Good Yom Tov, and Good Shabbos,

  --Eye.

Eye! Sounds great!

I was just having a conversation with my sister the other day and she was claiming that me being on edge was making her on edge. When I said that I'll be responsible for my emotions and she for hers and that I don't make her feel anything, she didn't take to it so well. I definitely have more to work on and I hope that more and more I can share my growth with others, so they can grow too.

Gut Shabbos!

I love you, Reb Eye, and always have - please take it easy with the stepwork-with-the-wife business. It sounds like you are doing just that, but reminding you can't hurt.

I hope you let the relationship come first, and her recovery come second, to you. And of course, your own recovery comes before them all.

Kol she'ishto kodemes l'chochmoso, sh'neihen miskaymos! As far as we are concerned, what they want comes first - before our 'big plans for them' does.

Help them work their own recovery? Sure. But we don't run their show, they do. Otherwise, we tend to slip back into putting our plans for them first - before what is really good for them, which only they can decide! Once we become their rebbis or sponsors, it's time to call the tidy bowl man....

Thanks Dov.

When I went through the steps for the first time and was all gung-ho about it, I was telling my wife alot about it, and explaining to her how it all works.

Then, I stopped.  I want to be a husband, not a sponsor.  And, I was forgetting my main job--just to clean up my side of the street.  Telling someone all about how wonderful you're doing now doesn't really fill that job description.

But something recently came up and my wife is horrified over it.  She's now insisting I help her get through her resentments and fears.  I'm not trying to change my wife.  She's just so insistent on this.  I'm just explaining how it works and letting her do whatever she wants with it.

For example, she asked at one point, "Can't I just be angry with this person?"

I said, "Yeah, you can do whatever you want.  That's what we've got free will for."

It was actually that comment that struck her more than anything else.

I really would rather not be in this position, but there doesn't seem a viable option at this time.

Maybe you could suggest something? 

--Eye. 

Eye.nonymous wrote on 26 Sep 2010 07:54:


I can....

It's called 7UP !

:D ;D

sturggle wrote on 24 Sep 2010 14:38:


Sorry for interupting the flow of the conversation here... I just had to share this....

I've recently been to The Meadows in Arizona (a week long workshop...)
The most significant thing I walked out with was the concept of boundaries. I am not responsible for the feelings of others and others are not responsible for my feelings. I believe that without this concept relationships become messed up and co-dependant and you become to reliant on others....

This Yom tov I got into a serious dispute with my brother who  is probably the only family member that I have a relationshiop with....

I couldn't talk to him for a full day... Untill I mustered all the energy I had to sit down and have a talk with him. I explained the whole concept of everyone taking responsibility for their feelings  and their hurt...

We had a good conversation and we were back together... It was truely amazing to me....

P.s. Eye may g-d be with you and may you find the right solution....

kutan shel hachabura wrote on 26 Sep 2010 16:46:


:o :o :o

Chag sameach and a 7up l'chaim to all

My 2 cents:

If she considers her issue adjusting to life with you - a recovering lust-guy - then maybe she should seek out other women to talk to about just that, as some have suggested above. But I think that if her main issues are really about self-development and have little to do with adjusting to you, then getting involved with women who are brimming over with resentment and pain about being married to their husbands might just twist things up unnecessarily. Now, I have met many women in recovery who are really working the 12 steps and have come to see that their husbands are not their problem, at all - those women would likely be helpful to any woman anywhere....so do what you will, with that one.

If it's the latter, then consider letting her know that you love her so much that you want to be here for her in any way she needs you. In the same breath, you may also let her know that while recovery might be a great adventure you two can share, it might get between you. So do whatever she wants and share your program with her, but remind her that as soon as she sees stuff getting between the two of you, to let you know and take a break from it.

Remind her that recovery is what you NEED. As far as you are concerned, she doesn't need recovery - only to be in a good relationship with a sober person.
In this respect it's kind of like encouraging your wife to lose weight: some take the approach that they can encourage her without giving her the message that they think she is fat....and some just say, "Sweetheart, you don't need to lose any weight at all. For me, you are perfect. But if it makes you feel better to lose some weight, tell me what can I do to help yo get what you want and I'll try to do it."  Just a thought.

You may also adopt a policy of only sharing what has actually been working for you so far. That may be safer for the relationship....then again, sharing some crazy stuff might scare her...it all depends.

Siyata diShmaya!

I think it has been an issue for my wife--to adjust to a lust-a-holic husband.  But I don't think that's the main issue.

I think the main issue is--she knows she has fears, and anger towards certain people.  And, she sees that the 12-steps have helped me alot with my fears and resentments.  She wants to know if she could get over her stuff too if she applied the 12-steps to life.

--Eye.

Though the entire derech is not my cup of tea, Rav Twerski has written a bunch of books designed to help non-addicts use and grow through working the steps. Maybe she'd enjoy those books?

dov wrote on 27 Sep 2010 16:45:


If you don't mind my asking:  Why not?