Eye, I read with great interest your insight about making separate times for work, home, etc as a way to battle RID. I've been working from home for a while now and didn't realize how painful the lack of 'boundaries' had slowly become.

Your post was a wake-up call, and I'm being better about turning off the smartphone during family time and ignoring the ringing family telephone during work time. Etc. My wife also notices it, for the better.

So thanks for the insight and inspiration. You see, our posts CAN touch lives beyond our own.

PS: Mazel Tov on another 90 (+).

At first this schedule thing was great--I was feeling so productive.

Then, I was feeling lots of RID!

I was getting up late again, and feeling unmotivated.  BUT, I realized that I wasn't lacking motivation because I got up late.  Rather, I was getting up late because I lacked motivation.

It was the same thing that almost knocked my down on my first successful 90 days--I was pushing myself too much.

So, I realize a distinction.  I ought to be careful as best as I can about keeping to my schedule.

BUT, once I'm where I'm supposed to be, just do my best.

I had done 3 amudim of gemara each day for three days in a row (beforehand I was only doing 1 or 2).

I felt the pressure--I had new, really high expectations for myself.

But I hit a sugya that really slowed me down.

I decided--I'M HERE.  I'M LEARNING.  I'M TRYING AS BEST AS I CAN.  AND I MIGHT NOT GET PAST THIS LINE OF GEMARA TODAY.  AND THAT'S OKAY.

So, I'm trying to be on-schedule, which already makes my day more productive.  I don't want to go crazy and above and beyond that, drive myself every minute to overachieve.  I'm trying to do my best, and to enjoy it.

--Eye.

guardureyes wrote on 31 Aug 2010 20:09:


This line has been haunting me.

It is not common because most people's neuropathways have been rewired after 90 days and I'm a rare case who fell.

But, I think, if someone falls after 90 day, they might just get devastated.  "I was supposed to have new neuropathways now.  I wasn't supposed to fall.  I guess I'll never stay clean."

But, the way I look at it, is that it definitely DOES get progressively easier.  True, I fell.  But I made it to 90 days--to 210 days.  I broke a new psychological barrier.  If I did it once, I ought to be able to do it again.

AND, I think if I was staying clean on pure "white-knuckling," (a term I learned since joining GYE), I maybe wouldn't bother picking myself up again.  90 days of torturing myself to stay clean.  Is it worth the pain again?

BUT, I learned fairly early on that we're not just playing a game to stay clean.  If we're acting out, there some underlying reason for it (which I later learned to call RID--Restlessness, Iritability, and Discontent.)  If you can disarm THESE negative emotions, you won't want to act out.  And, a pleasant side-effect is happiness and serenity.

THAT'S what I want!

I've been having UPS and DOWNS and UPS and DOWNS.  I had a few days when I was really taking some good lustful looks at people I shouldn't be looking at.

WHY!

I ask myself WHY!

Then, DC's moshal came to mind:

What color is a red onion?  Yes, red.  A Yellow union?  Yes, Yellow.  A white onion?  Yes, white.

No trick questions there.

On the outside, different addictions look different--AA, SA, LA, OA, RPGA (yes, I made this one up) etc.

But if you peel away the top layer, all the onions are WHITE.

We're all fueled by our RID--Restlessness, Irritability, and Discontent.  That's what makes us escape to our "drug of choice."  To our pain-killer.

BT, underneath that is EGO.  It's only because we're egotistical, we want everything to go our way, that we end up filling up with RID.

So, I noticed I've been looking at each situation--here's RID because of THIS, here's RID because of THAT.  I've been disarming each situation at it arises.

BUT, I feel like I'm standing on the seashore in the middle of a hurricane.  I keep getting knocked over by waves of RID.

So, I've started looking a little deeper.  I am operating on EGO.  It's not as obvious as it was before, but there MUST be some EGO underlying all my interactions.  Otherwise I shouldn't be getting RID over and over again.  I'm looking deeper for it.  I'm trying to replace it with HUMILITY.

It's a new realization, but I think it can make abig difference in my life.

--Eye.

Interesting that Elul and slichos has some RID effect built in - like being tired from getting up early or staying late for shlichos.
I have to be very careful not to get over-tired I have found that state to be POISON for my shmiras eynayim. I get to a point of Not caring - which is dangerous.

So when I realize that - I go to sleep instead of learning in order to keep clean, and careful.

Hashem has built in to Elul a bit of nisayon.
Let's keep strong and get rid of the RID.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 04 Sep 2010 19:58:


It has been bothering me too.

Did Guard mean that not many are successful at doing another round of 90 days after falling or did he mean that it becomes less relevant?

For me it was the latter. 

The 90 days was “good fun”. It was a nice challenge and it taught me that with the right attitude the addiction could be kept in check.

However after I had fallen I could not restart.

After a long time I realized that at least for me the concept of cumulative counting could not be a long term solution. It was as if the 90 times was a grace period from HaShem. Now the battle really began. Daily without respite.  A battle in which any letup means disaster.  I try to think of it as a real life and death situation.

But I don’t think that this is as bad as it sounds. I think that most of the time if I keep up this attitude it will mean just being on my guard. But more than anything it means not kidding myself.

Hatzlocho Eye. I love following your thread

Beautifully written!

Hello Kutan, good to see you.

Checking in my friend, how is everything?

I was feeling lots of RID lately, and had a slip.

As a result, I figured out how to turn K9 into a white-list filter!  I admit it's a crutch, but I need crutches at this point.

What did I do?  Only something the mind of an addict could contrive--I added COM and NET and ORG into the blocked keyword list.  If there's any site I need to use (and there's truly very few sites I really need to use), I can add it to the list of website acceptions to allow.

I might not be perfect, and I might keep slipping.  And at fist I was a bit depressed about trying to find p*rn on my computer a few days before Rosh Hashanah.  But then I thought--what do I do afterwards.  My general approach NOW is to be on the lookout for pitfalls, and do my best to remove them, and as soon as possible.  That's a pretty good plan to show up in front of Hashem with.

--Eye.

Yesterday I was feeling lots of RID.  A lot of it was because our little daughter has feeding issues.  I was getting very angry; a control freak.  Dinner was especially an awful time, and left me feeling all unsettled the rest of the night.

I spent an hour trying to crack through my filter.  Didn't really find anything (put "search" in the blocked keywords), but still not a good thing to be doing.

I called one of the fellows from DC's group afterwards.  He advised me to take out some paper and follow the steps for a mini-inventory.  Write down my top 5 fears and top 5 resentments.  I wrote the first 3 real easy.  But 4 and 5, when I had to think a little, I think I dug up something deeper.

I'm really afraid for my daughter and that she doesn't eat.  BUT, I can't do anything about that (we're following a feeding plan, but I'm not exactly sure how it's supposed to work).  Today I asked my wife to find out the minimum of exactly how much our daughter needs to eat that we shouldn't worry.  So, now that fear has been disarmed by fact. 

And this evening, a mere 24 hours later, I was faced with the same situation.  Dinner time tonight, however, was a moment I can look back on and be proud of.  I could stay calm, and was  able to be kind and attentive to all the family.

--Eye.

During my recent slip I came close to acting out, and I was feeling:  BUT I WANT THIS GOOD FEELING!  And it seems there is no kosher way to get this same feeling.

I davened for Hashem to help keep me clean.  But this question still bothered me.  It's something I've been struggling with for a while actually.

Someone told me a fascinating piece of Gemara yesterday, which relates to this question.  But today I really thought about it, and looked up some of the commentaries on it.

Sanhedrin 75a:  A fellow was literally lovesick over a woman he had seen.  The doctors said the only cure was if he had relations with her.  The rabbis said he should rather die.  The gemara goes through all sorts of alternatives--maybe she could just stand in front of him without any clothes, maybe they could just talk together with a curtain inbetween (chat room!).  To every option the Rabbis said he should rather die.

There is a debate whether this woman was married or not.  According to the latter, the gemara asks, "Why doesn't he just marry her!"  The answer is--since the destruction of the beis hamikdash, the "taste" for marital relations was taken away, and it was given to transgressors!  "Stolen water is sweet"
DON'T GET DEPRESSED--YOU HAVE TO READ ON...
Rashi says, since the beis hamikdash was destroyed, we have more worries, so we can't fully enjoy marital relations.

I understand from this--if we can reduce our worries, our RID, we can certainly enjoy relations with our wives much more.

I also want to add--whatever the gemara says about our level of pleasure from relations probably applies to all other pleasures in life.  We don't enjoy them because of our worries, our fears and resentments.

Rashi says that the transgressors enjoy relations because they are compelled to do it so much by their yeitzer hara.  AND, I'll say if you notice the gemara "stolen waters are sweet," this pleasure, though it feels like the greatest pleasure in the world, is only "stolen waters."  Waters have no taste.  The pleasure, though it feels good, IS PURELY AN ILLUSION.  WE DON'T REALLY GET ANY PLEASURE FROM IT!!!

Also, I saw in the Maharal, to my limited understanding--
The relationship between man and wife is symbolic of the relationship between Hashem and the Jewish People.  Since the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash, Hashem is in hiding, our relationship with him isn't as close.  Therefore, our ability to get as close to our wives isn't as great as before.

But, I understand from this--the more we work on our relationship with Hashem, the more we WILL enjoy our relationship with our wives.

Once again, I think "relations" is just symbolic of our overall relationship.  But, everything is included.  You'll get lots more pleasure from a simple little conversation together.

So ridding ourselves of our RID, and by working on our relationship with Hashem, WILL actually increase our true joy in life.  It can be AS pleasureable as acting out; we just have to remove the boundaries between us and Hashem.  We need to live in the moment, and enjoy it.

Finding all this, and especially when I was nearly acting out, was truly an A&W (Awe and Wonder) moment for me.

--Eye.


 

Besides getting all this stuff in my head out into the forum, I also wanted to wish you all a Shana Tova.

--Eye.

Same to you, Eye!

Your analysis is eye opening!

I don't recommend trying to use K9 as a white-list filter.  It's not really meant for that and just acts weird.

I added a few more words to the blocked URL list for now, and I'm looking to switch to a while-list filter.