Eye,

I just read your last few posts and was blown away. I heard you discussing it with DC that you e-mailed yourself. Now that i read your reply, I am truly amazed.

That was a nice way of being responsive to your feelings and not reactive to them.  How beautiful was the outcome!

keep on inspiring us.

David

Eye.nonymous wrote on 23 Aug 2010 13:00:

AT THIS POINT, IN THE PAST, I WOULD GET OVERWHELMED AND WALK AWAY.  The reasons for our ill feelings starts to seem endless.  This time when the thought to leave entered my mind, I thought "You are being selfish and self-centered.  STAY and deal with this."
We talked for about 3 hours.
At one point I told my wife, "Recently we had one of these unpleasant discussions about how overwhelmed something was.  At the end, you stated a clear plan of action for dealing with the situation.  Let's do that now."
So, we did.  We listed the top things we needed to do.  Some of these things were home-
It felt really good.
At the end of it all, we hugged.  I felt emotions that I never felt before.  I couldn't believe it, but I just broke out crying.  I think I was crying for a half hour. 
  --Eye.

Dear Eye,
This is really gevladig!!! KUTGW! U really seem to have made tremendous headway. Please keep us posted.

Eye!!

Keep on trucking

Keep on inspiring!!


Don't give up !!!


U will make it

Bardichev

Keep it up Eye!  You can do it.

Day 88.

Something has been a long-standing issue with me.  My wife and I have these real businessy nitty-gritty or problem-solving conversations.  No fighting, but these talks don't exactly feel like they're bringing us closer.  On the other hand, we have our physical intimacy.  These have felt like two completely seperate arenas. 

From talks I have had recently with some fellows from DC's group, I have learned about a new existence.  Closeness, intimacy, in everyday life.  This doesn't mean non-stop s*xual innuendos.  Rather, emotional closeness.  And, physical expressions of love (not lust).

One part of it is rediculously simple to do.  Those emotions that usually stay in our heads--SAY THEM!  "I really enjoyed this conversation."  "I feel good that we reached this decision together."  And, why not hug more often.  Little hugs and kisses throughout the day; not just for dropping hints for s*x.

We took a morning trip to celebrate our anniversary.  At the end, the trip didn't meet or expectations.  I felt very unsettled.  Eventually I just confessed to my wife, "I was disappointed--that trip wasn't at all like I was expecting."  She shared here feelings, which were similar, and then we felt closer as a result.

There's a big difference between "sharing feelings," and between "kvetching."  I never appreciated this before.  You can share negative feelings, and it can be a POSITIVE experience.

Now I"ve been feeling overall closer to my wife.  Regarding women on the street I'm starting to think more, "There's NO WAY I'd feel this closeness with any of them!  Why bother looking at them?  Why bother thinking of them?  It's so superficial."

--Eye.

Exactly!

In the process of sharing your feelings with her, you are opening your heart for her to see inside. With an open heart you can 'connect' with your wife. On the other hand, as long as you consciously refrain from telling her something - even if it is a detail that does not pertain to her - the mere fact of not revealing it, is an act of 'hiding' it from her. That erects an obstacle to your connection with her. [- in your subconscious mind!]

I speak from personal experience, as you can see from the following exerpt:
Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 26 Jul 2010 19:08:

Eye.nonymous wrote on 25 Aug 2010 13:18:


Eye, I think what you describe is summarized by Aryeh Paminsky's tapes as the three A's.  Attention, Affection and Appreciation. 

For example, one of the elements of Affection is non-sexual touching, i.e., a physical display of affection that does not transmit the sentiment, okay when are we going to have sex (and therefore one that potentially causes distance becasue it requires commitment from the wife), but instead says I feel emotionally attached to you.  It took me a long time to understand this distinction.  My addictive way of thinking was that why if my wife wants me to be there when she wants to give me a peck on the cheek or hold my hand can't I expect her to be there when I want to give her a french kiss standing in the kitchen.

Similarly, expressing that you enjoyed a conversation shows Attention that you're listening and you care what your wife has to say.

I've been reading recently what you've been writing all over the forum and it's been helpful to me.  Continued Hatzlacha.

You go, Eye!!!


(with help from Hashem!)

8) 8)

WOW eye.  I love how you write about your feelings for your wife.  It is so true and heartfelt.  Keep up the great work you are doing for yourself and everyone else that is close to you.  G-d I know is with you.

I think I'm on day 93 or 94 or something.

Do I get another chizuk E-mail for making it to 90 days AGAIN?

...I've always wondered.  Not good PR if the same people keep getting these big Mazel Tov 90 day announcements.  Or is it?

But, at this point I don't feel that counting days is really so important any more.  At the beginning I think it was, it was very motivational.

Recovery is just SO MUCH MORE than staying clean.  And, if you work on all the other stuff, you just automatically stay clean.  You don't really think about it much.  Even during more difficult times, so here and there I have a struggle with acting out.  BUT even then, it's not on my mind NON STOP.

Baruch Hashem.

--Eye.

I haven't been on the forum as much lately.  I haven't been at home as much lately.

Or, more specifically, I haven't been at home wondering what to do with myself as much lately.

I had a big talk with another fellow from DC's program.  I talked out a lot of my frustrations.

We concluded that a big part of my problem is that I don't have a schedule.  Rather, I'm trying to be a responsible Avreich learning most of the time.  BUT, I'm trying to be a responsible husband and helping my wife.  BUT, I'm trying to be a responsible father and available for my children.  BUT, I'm trying to earn a living while I'm at it.

So, at any given moment I'm trying to do EVERYTHING.  So, I end up not doing very much very well.

We designed a schedule, totally changing around my day.  I have definite times to learn, and definite times to work.  And definite times to be with my wife and children.  AND, I'm not trying to work from the house anymore--IT DOESN'T WORK.

Instead of trying to work at home during "lunch break," I'm just taking a laptop somewhere and working out of the house at that time.

I feel much more free.  If I don't finish some work today, it's okay.  I've got a set time tomorrow to do it.  At dinner I can be patient with my wife and kids--I'm definitely NOT trying to run off and "work" as soon as I can.  Work has it's set time and I'll get to it THEN, which is reassuring.

I'm not staying up until 1am every morning pretending to work.  I have normal set times in the day to work, and clear work objectives.

For the first time ever I don't feel like a schizophrenic.  I feel that a lot of RID has vanished.

This change is definitely thanks to DC's 12-step program.  Without it, I would be too afraid to make such changes.

I thought my wife would object to this plan.  I was pleasantly surprised when she said, "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO DO THIS!"

  --Eye.

EYE,

I love your posts. Always full of inspiration and good ideas.

Keep on writing.

David

Loved the last post.  KUTGW!!  Mazel tov on reaching 90 again.  Keep writing.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 30 Aug 2010 20:02:


Mazal Tov, Eye. You are an inspiration to all of us. Doing 90 a second time after a fall, is not very common. I'm sure it happens, but I haven't heard that many cases. You are a true hero.

Hello Guard, nice to see you!

--Eye.