I just heard a beautiful quote recently from the Ibn Ezra (but I don't know where it is at all):

העבר עין, העתיד עדיין, ההווה כהרף עין--הדאגה מניין.

In English, (and attempting a modicum of elegance, though you can't beat that Hebrew):

The past is behind us
The future is yet to be
The present is but a moment
So why, then, shall we worry?

Thanks Briut.

Now you have hit on something that I have been grappling with.

Your prayer contains (1):
Asking Hashem to give us everything we want.
Which, is what we don't want to do.

And (2):  Asking that we should want what we get.
Which, sounds ideal.

There's another approach.  Asking for what we want.  BUT, wanting for selfless reasons.
I have a responsibility to provide for my wife and children.  If I ask Hashem for money because I'm a glutton and I want to stuff my face, that's a problem.  If I ask Hashem for money to provide for my wife and children, so I can have the resources and the peace of mind to carry out His will, isn't that another story?

It's new for me to relate to Hashem in that way.  I don't just have to be on the receiving end and my job is to adjust my attitude.  I really can communicate with Him.

I am in Israel, but I feel afraid to speak Hebrew in conversation.  It's really dehabilitating.  The other morning I tried this out, "Please G-d, remove this fear from me."  THAT AFTERNOON, I had a little conversation with a Hebrew speaker who learns in the same beis medrish as my Kollel.  Out of nowhere he asked me if I wanted to start a chavrusa with him.

I said to myself, "this is totally weird.  The only way to explain it is, Hashem--in answer to my little prayer--is giving me an opportunity to practice my Hebrew!"  So, we started learning together.

I don't do this much, asking Hashem for things (and certainly not expectng results).  But, I think it's part of our avoda--to build a 2-way relationship with Hashem.

eye you are a huge inspiration for me. Thank you for sharing these beautiful posts.
ZD

Eye: in an attempt to be brief I'll focus on just one of the many wonderful things that hit me in your last post.

Yes, we're allowed to ask for what we want. The question in my mind includes Hashem asking, k'y, "So, Nu Briut'le, if I give it to YOU instead of someone ELSE, are you gonna do something GOOD with it??" In other words, you've got it right, Eye - money to stuff my face is bad; money to pay my kids' day school tuition is good. In other words, let's judge every request by how it's going to further G-d's will in the world - better Jews, sweeter communities, smarter Jewish kids, whatever.

When I can honestly tell the RBSO that "if You give this to me, I'm prepared to use it for GOOD" -- then I think my telifos/requests have much more power.

And when I can't ask like that, maybe it's not right/ripe to be asking.

And when I ask like that and I don't get it, I've GOT to look for the place where what I receive is even BETTER than what I was hoping for in the first place. Because it's GOT to be. SOMEWHERE. Because my original request was emmesdik and heilig and all that, yet He chose to give me "this" instead. Surely it's not a punishment to a bad person, because I'm NOT bad. So it's got to be a reward I'm just not seeing... yet.

Do I have it right? At all?? Thanks for all your rich posts, Eye.

Ribboynu shel Oylam:
I'm not asking You to help me GET everything I WANT.
I'm asking You to help me WANT everthing I GET.

How does this compare with
עשה רצונך כרצונו....
בטל רצונך מפני רצונו

I am not quite surea about Wanting what I get - Maybe it is a nisayon?
If I wanted the Jewish Press and was given by mistake some magazine... would I should I be happy with what I got? I should throw it out!
I was offered a non-religious newspaper  for filling up at the gas station - I thought just because it is free - לא תביא תועבה אל ביתך!
So I passed

The main thing is to be connected to HaShem to realize that what comes my way is His way of waking me up. The choice is now mine to make a G-dly choice a concious one - orto go with the flow...
Be well and alive -

I dont think he meant specidic things. I think he meant in a general sense to be happy with what you have. Appreciate what's there, dont wallow in whats not. Obviuosly dont say "Hey look! a %#$ magazine! Wow God thanks for the gift!" He meant "Hey just because the Schwartz's have one, I dont need a pool in my backyard! I have everything I want right here in this beautifull family!"

Correct me if I am wrong...

Gut Voch!

-Yiddle

P.S I think its a beatifull thing to daven for. There's no easy way to be "Sameach Bechelko" so let's ask Hashem for help. Doesnt he do everyhting for us anyway???

I'm just meaning, everything is a gift from Hashem. If I forget that and resent something that's come my way, that's ultimately a denial of Hashem running the universe. So I don't wanna tell Him what to do, I want Him to give me a little clue into why "that" is part of His plan. And if He can't do that (again, in His infinite wisdom because it's not right for me at that moment), couldn't He at least make me happy satisfied content at-peace with whatever it is? So that I won't go around wanting something else and probably messing up His perfect plan in the doing?

Happiness (not superficial fun but true deep happiness) is NOT too much to ask of the RBS'O -- that's what he WANTS us to want. So, nu, ask already.

That's sorta my point. Sorry for the hijack, Eye, but I figured I'd answer the question about what I meant. Love and peace.

For me the link to the forum from the home page hasn't been working since motzai shabbos.

But, I just discovered that the link from the description "A vibrant forum" DOES work.

...another indication of an addict.  If one way doesn't work, we'll always find another.

Can be used in a good sense.

Anyways, I was feeling REALLY miserable Motzai Shabbos.  I couldn't access the forum.  And, here in Israel it was really late, so I couldn't call anyone.  But, in America, it was still Shabbos.

So, I figured to write my post on WORD and send it later.

Then, I also E-mailed it out to the DC group.  THEN, after receiving my own message (as part of the DC group), I had some siyata D'shmaya.  "Hey, here's someone who needs chizzuk.  Why don't I see if I can offer some."  So, I responded to myself.  My next to posts are that conversation:

SOS:

It’s almost 2 in the morning here in Israel.  USA still not out of Shabbos yet. AND the forum doesn’t seem to be working (I’m writing this in Word, and I plan to post it later).  This is a lousy time to have a crisis, but I’m having a crisis.

I feel awful.  I feel like just giving up already.

I feel I have these tools to deflect RID.  But now, instead of brooding over something for days, I feel like I’m deflecting one wave of ill feelings only to be struck right away by another.

I’m missing something.  I feel like I’m vacillating between minus and zero.  The PLUS, the positive, the joy, seems to be missing.

I’m scared.  The problem that drove me to this forum over a year ago, the problem I noticed, staring at every woman on the street, doesn’t seem to have changed one bit.  I’m still lusting after every single one of them.  Though I’ve tried to search for the cause WHY WHY WHY, I can’t figure this out.

I’m lusting.  Our anniversary was near the beginning of this week.  It came and went without a hint of anything romantic.  Just swallowed up, as usual, by the everyday business of life.  I’m sick of it.  My relationship with my wife doesn’t feel like a source of joy and happiness.  Yes, we have our moments.  But the overwhelming majority just feels like a burden.

Last night, Friday night, we also weren’t romantic—at first.  It’s a heat wave and my wife said it’s too hot.  I’m so angry!  Suddenly, besides every other annoyance of life that disrupts our love life, now we’ve got to check in with the weather forecast too.  After it was way too late already, she said, “I feel like we haven’t been getting along.”  Then we sort of made up, sort of got romantic, but not really.  It was too late.

So, tonight we tried again.  My wife was doing some things, out of character, that really got me excited.  So I got excited and apparently went overboard.  I did something which my wife didn’t like, she recoiled.  I could tell.  “Let’s just finish up,” she said.  I couldn’t do that (which, in a way is an improvement).  I just yelled and cursed and went away.

I know s*x is supposed to be optional.  But, I’m really lusting now.  I just want to have s*x, but it doesn’t seem to be working out.

A few days ago I even tried to beat the filter.  I found a new loop-hole for searching the Web, though not a very good one.  The best I could find is head-shots of women.  If not for my filter and the ridiculously high security I set it to, I would have really lost it.

So, I’m on DC’s calls for a second round.

So, I made it to 210 days and fell, and I’m nearing 90 again.

And Rosh Hashana is just a few weeks away.


I’ve been feeling more lust than ever before.
I’ve been feeling angrier than ever before.
I’ve been feeling more frustrated than ever before.

I don’t understand why everything just seems to be getting worse and worse.

I’m getting sick of it.
I desperately want to just give up and act out.

In recovery?  I feel like I’m fooling myself.

SOS REPLY:

Good evening, or morning, my dear friend.  It looks like you are in desperate need of help.  And, I may be the only one awake right now to do that job.  I hope I can be helpful.  I hope I can get back to you in time.

First of all, it is very commendable that you reached out.  Even though, probably, you thought nobody would listen in time.  There’s always Somebody listening, Somebody ready to help.  And, I see from your posts that you are trying to find Him.

Please don’t give up.  Though you may feel horrible now, it is always sure to pass.  Sometimes it takes days, and in the worst times it may take weeks.  But it always passes.

Perhaps try to do something different.  Go for a walk.  Go listen to some music.

But, from the way you describe life, I think you may need to do a major overhaul.  As you are getting angrier ever than before, and lusting more than ever before, it is probably a sign that your self-will is running riot.  What would your life be like if you TRULY lived it ENTIRELY on a concern and care for others?  I think it would probably be very different.  We can always see the symptoms, but the cause is NEVER easy to see.  You can stick a thermometer in your mouth and see a fever, but you can’t SEE the flu.  For the cause, you just have to trust those who have gone before you, those who have already found the path to healing.

If you feel like you’re missing joy, perhaps you TRULY aren’t doing anything in life that brings you joy.  You’ve got stuck in a certain way of doing things, and in a certain way of relating to your wife.  You can’t change your feelings while all your actions are leading you to unhappiness.  You have to sit down and FEARLESSLY take an accounting of your life.  Imagine the ideal.  Don’t be afraid to change your life.  Don’t be afraid to life up to the ideal.  If you are thoroughly enjoying life, the RID and the lust will disappear.

Sorry to hear that your anniversary, and this whole past week, was such a disappointment.  Develop love, not lust.  Lust is a boomerang.  If you’re searching after lust, it will come back and knock you down.  It sounds like this is what’s happening with you and your wife.  You’re lusting for s*x.  You have to give this up and be patient.  I know you’ve done this in the past, and reaped rewards.

Just because we’re posting in GYE, and just because we’re on DC’s calls, there’s no guarantee that we won’t ever have unpleasant times in our lives.  There’s no guarantee that we won’t ever lust, get angry, or ever fall.  That would be immature to expect that.  OVERALL, you’re going to act out much less.  OVERALL, you’re going to be less frustrated.  I commend you; despite all these negative feelings you’ve had now, you’re first reaction was to REACH OUT.  You didn’t ACT OUT.  Though you may be feeling very low about things right now, appreciate that this is a huge accomplishment, huge progress, what you have managed to do now.

Take this as a signal.  Rosh Hashanah is coming and, no doubt, Hashem wants you to have a good year coming up.  Perhaps all these bad feelings have surfaced just to wake you up a little more; not to knock you down, but to accelerate your recovery.

Think hard, WHY ARE YOU FEELING THIS WAY.  And then, FEARLESSLY face up to this.  Don’t be afraid to change.  Obviously, something in your life is a source of much unhappiness.  No doubt, it’s a collection of little things, and not any one major worry.  It’s your approach to these little things.  Don’t be afraid to change.  And daven hard for the Siyata D’shmaya to do so.  (Daven hard to KNOW what you’re doing wrong in life).

How would you have handled this situation a year ago?  Despite you’re lowly feelings, I’m sure your response NOW is far better off than what you would have done then.  That’s still progress, though you might not be feeling exactly full of joy (and even though you are feeling full of anger and lust).

I wish you lots of success in finding that joy.  It’s there.  It’s definitely there somewhere.  Daven to find it.

AFTER THOUGHT:

A day later, and with more thought, and with more Siyata D’shmaya, I had another realization.  I don’t think it’s a major radical change that is in order.  Big, sudden changes don’t usually last.  It’s not the answer for true happiness.

Most likely, it’s some small changes I need to work on.  Something small and consistent, yet profound.

I've been having such emotional extremes lately.  I was really close to falling.  Internet search (not much luck; filter set really high--I put the word SEARCH as a blocked keyword!).

This morning I almost acted out, too.

At breakfast, I spoke with my wife.  I told her of my feelings.

She told me of her feelings.

We sought to figure out the reason for these feelings.

AT THIS POINT, IN THE PAST, I WOULD GET OVERWHELMED AND WALK AWAY.  The reasons for our ill feelings starts to seem endless.  This time when the thought to leave entered my mind, I thought "You are being selfish and self-centered.  STAY and deal with this."

We talked for about 3 hours.

At one point I told my wife, "Recently we had one of these unpleasant discussions about how overwhelmed something was.  At the end, you stated a clear plan of action for dealing with the situation.  Let's do that now."

So, we did.  We listed the top things we needed to do.  Some of these things were home-improvements.  Some of them were about our relationship--we NEED to schedule time with each other, just time to spend together.  If we don't plan it, it will never happen.  Among the list of home-improvements, we prioritized the list, made an outline for how to get the things done,  and we made some sort of deadline.

It felt really good.

At the end of it all, we hugged.  I felt emotions that I never felt before.  I couldn't believe it, but I just broke out crying.  I think I was crying for a half hour. 

I felt that my wife and I had connected on a level that we've never connected before.

For the first time ever I think I understand DC's analogy--once you have real sugar, you don't have any interest in artificial sweetener.

I eventually left for morning seder.  I did walk by other women on the street.  The thought entered my mind--I'd NEVER EVER be able to connect with any of these women the way I just connected with my wife.  It would be some fleeting pleasure, but nothing so deep and thoroughly satisfying.

Baruch Hashem,

  --Eye.

Due to my recent near-falls, I was thinking how to increase my internet security.

While looking through the different K9 settings, I decided to turn off internet access past 11:30pm.  I know I don't do anything productive after that time.

While I was at it, I blocked off internet access for the later part of the afternoon.  I tend to go overboard with the forum, and then I'm often late for afternoon seder.  So, now I made this less of a possibility.

I was scared I was just getting worse and worse, and Rosh Hashana is so close.  But now, I feel this has led to a higher level of intimacy with my wife, and a better level of internet protection too!

I must say, I've been calling some of the guys from DC's forum throughout these difficult days.  I've got a lot of chizzuk from them.  I think a lot of the progress I've just made has come from their advice.

--Eye. 

Keep on going my friend.  I know you have come very far and will continue to grow higher and higher. 

Eye-guy,

I'm still on the verge of tears every time I think of your new connection with your wife, and your new understanding of intamacy.

I am so happy for you, my dear chaver.

Best wished to you and your entire mishpacha for a Kasivah V'Chasimah Tovah, L'Alter L'Chaim Tovim Ul' Shalom.