Eyeballer -

I am THRILLED that it worked so well for you.

Can you do mine?

it's easy. I'll type the 9th step call script onto a piece of paper, you sign it, we wrap it around a pretty new brick, and you get to throw it thru the window of the law firm of my childhood bullies.

Oh, I forgot. I gave this up to Hashem months ago. I'm sure He's thrown the brick by now.

OK, fogeddaboutit. My resentment's gone.

Hey, that was easy.

Thanx!

Day 72.

Yesterday I took a family outing.  It was all going well until the end.  There was more the kids wanted to do, but it was already getting late, we should be heading home already.

In the past I would have insisted we need to leave already, and since it was late, we would have had to rush back as fast as we could.  The final rush home would have ruined the nice time we had the rest of the day.

But instead, I PAUSED.  Okay, it took us an hour and a half to get here.  What the kids want to do will take another 10 minutes.  It would be stupid to cut off the last ten minutes since we're already here.  THEN, I thought of something counter-intuitive.  I am positive this was Divinely inspired.  I thought--since it's so late, if we want to preserve the nice time we had, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET HOME SLOWER, AND LATER!  We're too tired, and it's too late to rush home.  EZ DOES IT.

I was at peace with this idea, and our day ended up thoroughly pleasurable.

--Eye.

There was something that really bothered me about my wife's approach to life.

I remembered "she's only a mirror of me."

I think I even put in a prayer a couple of weeks ago, "Hashem, please help me discover my defects."

Then, I realized, it's this FEAR.  What's going to be!  It's a need to CONTROL!  If I say this, they'll say that.  BUT, if I want them to say THIS, I should say THAT.  Thinking I could control outcomes.  And then, with FEAR and a need to CONTROL, reaching a state of paralysis.  What if I do XYZ, then ABC could happen, and I'm afraid of that.  What if I do DEF?  Then QRS could happen.

And THIS is what has been reflected to me, through my wife, and through my children.

I need to let Hashem take control.  Let Him be in charge of the outcome  And to be fearless.  First of all, I don't know what the outcome will be.  Secondly, so what if XYZ happens?  I don't really have to be afraid.

I think I'm starting to notice Hashem's hand in my life a bit more.

I was all frustrated about vacation.  We tried to make a list of what we could do with the kids so we won't all go crazy.  But when vacation came, we realized we have too many limitations.  Can't wander around outside all day in a heat wave.  We're also quite limited in what we can spend, and our ability to travel around.  Few of the great activities we put on our list were feasible.

The day after I realized this, my wife had great news for me.  She just spoke to a couple of friends, and our problem is... few of the great activities we put on our list were feasible... And, despite our limitations, she and her friends came up with lots of other ideas we could do.

It was great.

Eye, keep on going.  I loved the last few posts.  Almost to 90 again and remember to just take it one day at a time and let G-d guide you.

Eye: I feel as if I've been meditating/davening lately on the very issues you've been posting on these last couple of weeks. Your insights, and your willingness (need?) to share/post have been amazingly comforting & insightful & taking away some of my feelings of isolation.

A very deep and humble thanks.

Day 74.

I've really been getting a lot of chizuk from the Joe and Charlie AA workshop MP3s.

    Download them all as a ZIP file here:
    silkworth.net/music/mp3/joe-charlie-bb-study/joe-charlie-bb-study.zip

When I was on the calls with DC, I missed a few here and there.  Usually we're dealing with a lengthy topic, so you kinda figure out what you missed.

But, some of the steps are not dealt with so long in the Big Book.  Like, if you miss a call, you can miss steps 6 and 7 altogether.  Which, I did.

The way Joe and Charlie describe these steps, they fill in a huge piece of the puzzle I was missing.  These are the steps when you ask Hashem to remove your character defaults.

If I understand correctly now, you're not just supposed to turn to Hashem to beg for help when you're feeling like you're about to drown in lust.  Whenever a trace of lust, or resentment, or fear pops into your mind, besides trying to change your attitude (which is all I thought you were supposed to do), you're supposed to turn to Hashem.  Now I think I understand how you can gain a real working, intimate relationship with Hashem through this program.

Great news Eye!!  KUTGW!

On DC's call we were discussing the differences we've noticed between ourselves and our wives as a result of recovery.

At first I didn't think of anything specific between myself and my wife; I have been noticing difference in the overall family dynamics.

THEN, I realized--I used to be bothered very much.  My wife and I, almost every night, had these discussions.  There was nothing wrong with them, and we were getting along.  We were making some sort of decisions or plans for the near future.  BUT, I always felt frustrated and annoyed as a result.

I don't think I've had this feeling in a while.  Why not?

I think my outlook on life, my decision making, was dominated by fears and resentments.  Yes, as good Yiddin we tried not to speak loshon hara or anything.  But we had tainas on people; expectations that weren't met.

As a result of recovery, I am learning to let go of these fears and resentments.  Even in these discussion between me and my wife, I am starting to recognize them for what they are and let go of them.

--Eye.

Hey Eye,

I really love reading your insights on life that you find through the program. Its truly amazing to see the steps working through other people. Its all about our perceptions and motivations!

Be well.

-Yiddle

Friday was awful.  I was trying to do some some improvements, but they went awry.  After about 6 hours of getting crazier and crazier, though, I was able to stop.  I was able to say, "Hey, I've been running wild with ego.  IIIIIIIII have to fix this.  IIIIIIII have to get this to work.  Stop it!"  And so I did.  I was even able to joke about the whole thing.

THEN, the fun never ends.  Today (Shabbos), I was planning to take a short nap while my wife got the kids ready to go to a friends.  I expected she would wake me up, she'd leave with the kids, and I'd go learn.  Instead if being woken up to, "I'm on my way, have a good time," I had this intricate discussion, a big change of plans.  I just closed my eyes again because I was really annoyed.  Then, things shlepped on, and I didn't get off to learn until about 2 hours later than I had hoped.  I was really frustrated about it.

THEN, I realized I'M WALLOWING IN SELF PITY.  STOP IT.  I turned my attention to the times that went well earlier that day, and I focused on what I could still manage to do with the rest of the day.  I felt better.

Shavua Tov,

  ---Eye.

and as you put it,
shavua tov,

sturggle

Ooooh! I love wallowing in self-pity, even though it always bites me in the behind every time I do it. So I try to let go of it cuz I can't afford it. It's nice to see other folks letting go of it, too!

Guteh Voch!

- Dov

80 days.

I'm not so diligent about counting the days now.

I was before.  Fell after 210 or something like that.

I get some chizuk by keeping track of the clean days.  But, recovery is not so much about staying clean.  It's about being calm, content, and happy.  Putting my ego aside, and accepting life whatever may come my way.

When I can manage not to be upset and frustrated, and even better if I can manage to be happy with life just the way it is, then automatically I don't care to escape reality and act out.  I don't even think about it much.

And, even more than the BIG worries, it's all the tiny little frustrations that add up and wreck us.  Not so much that I have no idea how I'm going to keep up with the bills, but more that my wife made me a hot cup of coffee when I was planning to make myself a cup of iced coffee, etc.  But being tiny, if we see them for what they are--ego at large, our very ruin--they shouldn't be too hard to let go of.

--Eye.