I've had the good fortune to work the 12th step.  Discovered a friend who is in the same boat, and we started going through the AA Big Book together (I first did DC's group, and now I'm doing it again).

Recently, my concious nagged at me.  It's vacation, and I'm sure I could be more helpful, more energetic with my wife and kids.  And here I am, making sure to keep up this chavrusa.  Isn't this like the guy who is a tyrant at home and a great ba'al chesed in his community--backwards?  Hyppocracy?

But then I realized THIS IS DIFFERENT.  I'm not just helping someone else recovery.  This is a necessary part of MY OWN RECOVERY.  Without it the RID, and the self-centeredness that fuels the RID, creeps back into my life.  In working on OUR recovery, I become less self-centered, more mature, all around.

  --Eye.

Just reached day 60.

And, I noticed, I've got 365 cumulative days.  A year's worth of cumulative days.  I think I had about 4 or 5 falls in that past year, instead of 4 or 5 falls in the past month--what it used to be.

Baruch Hashem for progress.

--Eye.

Happy Birthday, Eye! Smell the 'clean' air and enjoy.

HOORAY FOR YOU!!

365 days!! WOWIE!!

Doesn't it feel GOOD!!?? If someone wudda told u a year ago, or 2 years ago, that you would have a YEAR of clean days, would you have believed him? And NOW, it's in your pocket and can NEVER be taken away!!

GEVALDIGG!!

Had a slip erev Shabbos.

Had this feeling like I'm digging through a messy toolbox; nope, that's not the Phillip's screw drive.  Nope, not that...  Groping through my mind for the right piece of info, for the right attitude, to get me out of this slip.

I had done some erev Shabbos over-achieving, and besides that I've more or less been home with the kids on "vacation" since Tisha B'av.  I was running unusually behind.

I took a look--the only reason I'm running behind is because I tried to get so much done today.

I think that calmed me down enough until I got on with life again.

Shavua Tov,

  Eye. 

It's nice to read your shares, Eyeball man. Nice work.

Thanks Dov.

I've been listening to the Charlie and Joe Big Book workshop; one of the GYE chizzuk E-mails gave a link to the download.  It's been great supplementary listening to DC's group, and helps me understand things better.

While listening to the chapter, "We agnostics," I was struck with a different idea of Hashgacha Pratis.  I guess I used to think of it as--yeah, yeah, Hashem provides for every single creature.  He takes care of what everything needs.  I got a new understanding--INDIVIDUAL ATTENTION.  Hashem CARES about ME, He's INTERESTED in ME and He's rooting for ME!  It's much more personal than how I've ever thought of this before.

Besides that, it's been a long time since we did the 9th step calls with DC's group.  I did a few, but left more than I did.  I let it slip.  I figured, "If I'm doing the program, I've got to do it right."  I started up again making more of these calls; I did one more last night.  The outcome was very positive.  I feel sorry for neglecting this for so long; I feel like my emotions have become slightly more dislodged from their deep and dark hiding place.  They've come a bit closer to the surface.

  --Eye.

Keep on going eye.  I know you progress everyday.

where's the eyeman?

When someone wants to know if he is an alcoholic or not all he needs to do is ask himself if he can control his drinking.  If he can walk into a bar, have a couple drinks, and then leave abruptly with no problem then he probably isn't an alcoholic.  So if you're not sure whether you're a lust addict or not, just think about what happens when you get that first look at porn or anything else triggering.  Can you look away and be done with it, or do you need more and more and more?

Day 70.

I love these before/after messages, and here's another one:

Last week I had a really stressful erev Shabbos, and I came REALLY close to a fall.

Before I was in recovery, this URGE would have persisted, even for days.  It wouldn't have stopped until I acted out.  I would have had that feeling like the devil made me do it.

NOW, I identified the underlying RID.  I felt like a failure, it was so close to Shabbos and I wasn't ready yet.  THEN, I realized, I wasn't ready because I had over-achieved throughout the day.  ADARABA, I got TOO MUCH done.  I managed to get back to living.

The URGE DISAPPEARED.  The RID DISAPPEARED.  It didn't come back.  Though it's been a difficult week, home on vacation with the kids on vacation, that URGE didn't come back.

AND, I've used that same realization a few more times to pull myself out of RID almost immediately.  WHOAH--getting RID.  Oh, feeling like a failiure.  Hey, I REALLY did a lot of important things today.

This last Erev Shabbos I  was also getting close to the finish line but not quite ready for it.  I caught myself right away, and started cutting corners to relieve some of that pressure. 

It's great to be in recovery.  Baruch Hashem.

Shavuah Tov,

  --Eye.

Did another 9th step call (making ammends with people I've been holding resentment towards), a real difficult one (Warning:  Step 9 must be preceeded by steps 1-8). Best friend who turned worst enemy.  I was really dreading this call, and almost justified to myself that I really don't need to do it.

It went amazingly well.  I can let go of past resentments now.  It's a huge relief.

--Eye.

shavua tov! sounds great. really happy for you!

Alei v'hatzlach, Eyeball!