Thanks Dov,

We actually had a particularly good Shabbos.

Shavuah Tov,

  --Eye.

KUTGW!!

I haven't been posting so much here lately.  But, the thought of recovery hasn't left my mind.

After DC's cycle, I've been going through the Big Book with someone.  It's definitely helpful to go through it again.  It's good to remember, it's a 12-step program.  You can't forget the first 11 after you get to 12.  You've got to keep on doing all of them.  Remember 1) I'm powerless, 2) Hashem can help me 3) Decide to turn this struggle over to Hashem.  Easy to forget.

The DC calls have been going on, even though DC isn't there right now.  The guys are keeping together between cycles.  I usually haven't made the calls, but last week I made one of them.  I asked about steps 2-3.  How to relate to Hashem, how to make Him more concrete.  Someone recommended to visualize Hashem somehow.  Sort of like the idea of imagining you're standing before the Kisei-HaKavod when you're davening.  I could certainly use more suggestions on how to make Him more real in life.  It seemed to be a backround of the Program, but not dealt with specifically (unless I missed something).

Besides that, I'm grappling with another issue.  This Fake joy, for what it's worth, does feel good.  Is our True joy, the joy we're supposed to find to replace it, supposed to feel equally good?

Some thoughts I had (and some the result of talking this out with another fellow from DC's group):

1.  Fake Joy, though it may feel good, is only momentary.  And, it always ends with a crash.  True joy doesn't end with a crash.

2.  I don't think we're meant to spend our whole life "high" on joy.  True joy is calm and consistent.

3.  True Joy, also, is the result of hard work.  It doesn't come easy, but it's the reward of hard work.  This is just a fact to deal with.  True joy takes some work.

If anyone wants to add to this list, you're welcome to.

  --Eye.

I think, when you do the right thing, it CAN produce a pleasure as strong as acting out--with no side-effects.

I've been really trying to pay attention.  Sometimes when I know I'm doing something particularly unselfish, or when I have a particularly humbling realization, I actually get this powerful quivery feeling in my heart (instead of in another place).

You can't base your life on getting these feelings, but they DO come.

  --Eye.

Hello?

You are so right, they DO come, on their own. For me also. Suddenly, when my wife smiles, the moment comes. And with tears in my eyes I say: Baruch Hashem.

You write hard work. And you are so right. I also try and work really hard to stay clean and bring joy to my wife, but then i guess its not the work, its more like letting go. I mean, when I don't force anything. That would also explain a childs play perhaps.

We are also like parents, we laugh and play, but we look out for the sharp edges. You know.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 12 Jul 2010 12:09:

Doing the right thing has been a worthy life goal for me (it was one of my father's favorite expressions to guide life). But it's never given me any pleasure as strong as those others. You may be right, but you're just so far ahead of where I am in this journey....

I wonder if someday I'll be able "to look back on your post and it won't seem funny." (Springsteen)  Thanks for the inspiration, as always.

Briut wrote on 14 Jul 2010 20:19:


Me too!

Just checking in.  Hope everyone is having an easy fast.

My whole family is on "vacation."

We were getting ready to get along with our day.  It was going to start with a couple of hours for me to work while my wife took the kids somewhere.

But then my 3-year old accidentally got her fingers slammed in a door.

It looked like her fingertip was almost severed but, Baruch Hashem, it wasn't as bad as it looked.  In the end she needed a few stitches.

So, my wife had to rush with her off to the hospital.  And I was left with the rest of our kids.

Now, day by day, I sometimes find it hard to pinpoint the benefits of recovery.

But here, I definitely felt the benefits.  I was able to handle the situation calmly, and responsibly.  I was able to put my plans aside and do what Hashem wanted of me.  I was able to put aside any blaming and complaining.

Instead of getting all depressed or angry--how DARE anything interfere with my little plans!

Baruch Hashem.

  --Eye.

I wrote something like this a while ago, but I feel like doing it again:

Some newbies might be coming along to the NEW POSTS in this thread.  And, what's going on!  Hardly a mention of m** or p**.

What's this Eye guy doing talking all the time about his wife and kids, and his feelings?

Well, because that's what recovery is really about.  Eventually you start to see this.  The problem isn't so much that URGE.  It's, how are you dealing with life.  Poorly?  You get that urge.  MATURELY?  You don't get that urge.

Got it?

  --Eye.

Something I've noticed recently.

I needed to feed the baby lunch.  I was really worried about him because I should have fed him much earlier, but he fell asleep before I managed.

But then, my older son had something he wanted to show me.

In the past I would have really gotten upset.

But now, I was able to get in touch with my feelings, and articulate them.  This, instead of feeling trapped--irritable.

"I'd really like to hear what you have to say, but I'm worried about the baby because he hasn't eaten in a long time.  I can't stop to listen right now, but you can come downstairs and talk with me while I feed him."

So simple, but so powerful.  This, instead of keeping those feelings in my head where they just cause frustration.  And frustration leads to...

Hey Eye,

Its great to read your posts. I definitely understand what your syaing about holding feelings in sometimes and I'm proud of you for expressing them. I have had a similar issue but in sort of the opposite position. Alot of the times I get frustrated with my parents. They do things and say they things I dont like (not abusive b'h, they just try to change who I am). I cannot go to my father and say "Hey you said that I have to do ____, well I am my own person and I really dont want to do ____". He would give me the whole "You  think youre so frum! How about some kibud av!" shpiel. I am therefore forced to keep these feelings in my head and I know its so unhealthy for me to do so. I build up anger and resentment and I become like a pressure cooker ready to blow. What, if any, advice could you give me??

Thanks


-Yiddle

KUTGW!!  I have not been on much but always get to a few people.  Hope all is well in eye land.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 22 Jul 2010 14:27:


Absolutely. Thanks for putting it into words.

At some point the work seems to morph from 'that' se* organ into the _biggest_ se* organ -- the mind. It's just rough to really acknowledge the needs of that organ at the top until we've got some control over that one at the bottom. And for me, it's work that's at least as rough as the obvious work. But oh, is it necessary.

Thanks for reminding us all. And I hope you had a great Shabbos since Israelis won't see this until motzi Shabbos....