I've had this gnawing feeling for a few days now.

Not to act out.  Not in the usual sense.

Rather, it's about something I wrote about in "Ghosts from the past" thread.

People we used to know way back when.  An acquantance of the opposite gender.  Barely an acquantance.

I've had all these thoughts, justifying a simple little E-mail.

I'll just mention the one that out-does them all:  If you've got such a strong feeling for this, maybe she's in serious danger!  Maybe she's on the verge of suicice!  A frum yid with a Torah perspective is exactly what she needs right now!  I've got a Divine imperitive to find out how she's doing.  Maybe you're the only one in the world right now that can save her life!

I even started writing a little E-mail.

As I wrote, I realized there was nothing I could write that didn't make me feel stupid for writing it.

Then, I was thinking, "I'm trying to hide this from my wife--it CAN'T be the right thing to do!"  LISTEN TO YOURSELF!

And, "What's the point.  What the heck am I expecting to accomplish with this."

And, "If it's such a mitzvah to reach out to old acquantences, aren't there plenty of male acquantances to track down?  How come I never think of writing to them?  This must really be LUST!"

And, "Isn't it really weird if a married religious man is hunting down a shiksa?  Won't SHE even think it's weird!"

And, "Can I face my wife if I go through with this?"  It's not innocent.

Please Hashem, save me from this lust.

I plan to keep on davening.  Probably this feeling will go away.  Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow.  But I'm pretty sure it will go away.

  --Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 26 Apr 2010 22:15:


Yeah, I've had those fleeting thoughts of meeting folks from The Old Days. One woman even visited for dinner with her husband. She wanted to tell me about her just-diagnosed breast cancer. (???!!) Now, this woman was never a love intererst at all, but even so. Didn't seem like such a good idea, even at the time.

My wife's also been thinking of being in touch with an old friend. I think it's friend with a Capital F and not just a friend, but I honestly don't want to know. She knows how I feel, but I think she's been doing it anyhow. I know she wouldn't get physically involved, but EVEN SO.

In both cases, we came up with the phrasing:  "This is not going to lead me ANYwhere good."

Sometimes, the phrase alone has been enough to keep us from that death spiral. But sometimes, oh sometimes...

Anyhow, I think I know where you're at. And we're all crazy, right?

Self honesty is the key.

Those who hold the key, like Reb Eye and Briu - are the ones that succeed long term... while the others drop away...

Eye.nonymous wrote on 26 Apr 2010 22:15:


Wow you've got strength my friend....
Or better said: G-d's the one that's got strength here....

I was just writing a lengthy reply for about a half hour and then my computer crashed before I saved it.  I think it would have made it as ACE.

I think all I have the strength to do after that is to briefly mention the main point.  Hopefully it should still be useful:

I was thinking about this girl.  WHY do I want to contact her?  There's no chance it would lead to anything!

Then, I was thinking.  Hashem tells us to do Teshuva, and to make an opening the size of a needle and He'll make it as big as a palace entrance.  I think the Yeitzer hara works the same way.

ANY opening will do!

So, the one that looks the most absurd, and the most innocent.  THAT'S an opening we'll willingly make. It looks so innocent we'll even think G-d himself is rooting for us!

And, once we've made an opening, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, it may be just a matter of time before the yeitzer has us doing what we once thought was unthinkable.

But, it starts with something that WE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE WANT TO DO IT, AND WE CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT!

Without thinking, we would say, "doesn't seem so bad, might as well."  But the truth is, "there's no logic to it, and it ISN'T SO INNOCENT."  

It's a tiny opening, an eye of a needle, for the yeitzer.  SO BEWARE.

And what's greater, doing aveiras or doing Teshuva?

So by the same token, the tiniest opening for Teshuva, NO MATTER HOW SMALL AND NO MATTER HOW SEEMINGLY ABSURD AND USELESS, is an opening nonetheless.  It's just may be a matter of time before we notice a difference.

 --Eye.

guardureyes wrote on 27 Apr 2010 12:19:


I just noticed in Shacharis this morning:

"A person should always be G-d fearing, in public and in private; He should admit to the truth and speak truth in his heart."

We assume the cause and effect is this:  Be G-d fearing, and then you'll be truthfull.

HOW DO YOU BE G-D FEARING?  TOO HARD!!!  I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT REALLY MEANS!!!

But, I think the cause and effect could be stated the other way around.

Admit to the truth, and speak truth in your heart.  THEN, you'll always be G-d fearing, in public and in private.

  --Eye.

Not that anyone ever asked me, but: I highly recommend saying that sentence of davening in English (if that's the way you talk when it matters to you). Just give it a try once in a while. It helps my davening a great deal. I also do Adon Olam once in a while that way. I do not mean using the Artscroll English, but your English. That's very important....but nobody asked me.

Just don't let the guy next to you hear, cuz he may think you are a wierdo, c"v.

Now there's a thought! Ha!

- secret Eyeball-guy admirer wierdo

My mother says "There's always ONE weirdo on every bus."


...I've NEVER seen him!

How odd is this - so did I this morning, I found myself concentrating on this pasuk and noticing that heart is spelled with the double bet, like in the Shema, which I had just posted something about Chazal saying that the double bet means to love G-d with "both your hearts, the yetzer tov and yetzer hara" - something that also makes sense with the private and public aspect.  IOW, each time we push away the YH we are serving Hashem and also as we behave in public, being careful how we appear to our neighbors, we should also be careful in private to not let our guard down.

180.

I just had an amazing realization recently.

At first, I thought the problem was the thoughts of acting out.

Then, I realized it was the negative thoughts that preceeded the acting out that I have to deal with.  Get these out of your head, the thought of acting out just vanishes.  And, I reached subtler and subtler levels in this--noticed an underlying tension that I create for myself.  Rigidly trying to hold myself to certain standards.  I learned to be more flexible.

NOW, I realized it's not just the negative thoughts that's driving this addiction.

It's ANY TIME I'm stuck in the past.  ANY TIME I'm contemplating the future.

The main point is--I'M NOT HERE!  My mind is somewhere else.  It doesn't matter what.

I think the key to enjoying life is to be able to be part of the PRESENT.  It's a feeling of being alive that you don't have when your mind is off in another time zone from your body.

And when you enjoy life, JUST FROM STAYING IN THE PRESENT--noticing what you're doing, paying attention to your wife and kids in the house instead of rushing and daydreaming your way around them, feeling the pavement beneath your feet as you walk to wherever you're going--then every moment of existence has a certain thrill to it!

You just don't need to look around to find thrills.  You've got a heart and head already overflowing with them.

 --Eye.

Emess, thanks again reb Eye. Rav Noach zt"l used to say how interesting and sad it is that people are preocupied with movies and TV - our own lives obviously aught to be riveting - or at least very interesting! Certainly more intersting than a show - all the more so cuz our lives are real, hello!  Hearing that from him, with his big, chuckling voice, really killed me, at the time....

Ever been to a tourist attraction...

You see these guys holding a video camera and viewing everything through that little video screen...

Hello!!!!
Did you come to see this place... or to have a video see it...?? :-\ :-\

2 years down the line when they watch the video... they'll feel so good about the great time they had on their trip taking a video that they can watch in 2 years from now  :-\ :-\

The present is for the future to feel good about the past which was for later.... :-\ :-\ :-\

It always confused me... :D :D

181.

Day 180 was rather uneventful.

On day 90 I had this feeling, "Okay, I made it, what now?"

But now I see that there's always deeper levels of dirt to clean off.  Higher levels of awareness to reach.  Greater levels of freedom to gain.

Every day just keeps getting better.

I was talking with my wife about some of the changes I have undergone recently.  We were having a talk about our expectations for s*x.  I stopped and said matter-of-factly, "The whole difficulty is that YOU really have no interest!  Maybe, after we have a nice discussion, and do a little cuddling, THEN maybe you'd think "wouldn't be so bad.  But to just start off a discussion like this from out of nowhere, it's like asking someone 'how often do you want to get clobbered over the head!'  You've had a hard day.  You've done so much work, and you still have a lot of work ahead of you.  You'd have to be out of your mind to want s*x"

Well, after she spit up all over me and stopped laughing, she said, "YOU FINALLY UNDERSTAND!  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!"

Of course, I attributed it to GYE and to DC's calls.  She said, "You REALLY started changing since you started the phone calls with DC."  And, I think she's right.

I wanted to say this because at first I had serious reservations about joining DC's group.  AM I REALLY THAT BAD!  I only mast*** every once in a while, and once every so often my yeitzer hara gets the best of me on the internet.  (and, later... "I've even made it to 90 days clean!").

But, I met DC at one of the GYE kumzit-es in the Holy Land.  I could sense from him--THERE'S A LOT MORE TO RECOVERY THAN JUST STAYING CLEAN.  He just overflows with joy, every second.  I admitted to myself that I DON'T HAVE THAT!  And, I WANT IT, TOO!

So, here I am on the calls.

  --Eye.

 

Thanks Eye...
You just inspired me/ motivated me to give this journey all I've got...
If DC can be overflowed with joy...
And you can become a better person and more content...

I want a piece of that too....

ThankYou...

Eye.nonymous wrote on 28 Apr 2010 18:07:

Wow!
One of the main messages we say is: one day at Time. Today. This helps, relaxes.
Could the basis of lust - coming from the body - be an underlying need to FEEL the PRESENT?
When acting out - there is this feeling of timelessness, the hours pass by with such intensity.
That high is a suspension of time, flying, driving fast, wild, animalistic.
I throw my reason to the wind, along with all the calculations of past and future (din ve Dayan!) as you mentioned, and get to really feel my body and its BEHAmA reality.

So if I breathe deeply and control my breath for example, (connecting mind and body)
and concentrate on the simple moment before me I get back in touch with HUMAN reality.
I can pull out the carpet from underneath the lust, and get to the point much better.

Truly Connect
Chaim