kutan shel hachabura wrote on 13 Sep 2009 15:09:



Good point, but I meant "real" in a different sense here.

Progress report:

My wife and I have had a couple of serious romantic misunderstandings lately, and things didn't quite work out so well.  (For example, we were probably too tired to begin with, and then the baby woke up and needed feeding).

In the past, these incidents threw me into a horrible mood.  "I missed out!"  My yeitzer used to say, "You HAVE TO act out to release that trapped energy."

This time things even fell apart at the last minute, but I don't feel the yeitzer's complaints.  I don't feel resentful about it.

I feel like, "well, it was a nice try.  It wasn't anybody's fault.  I'll survive even without it."  And I can wait until the next time.

This is entirely new for me.

Wonderful!

Please elaborate a bit more.

WHY are you able to feel that way this time?

k

I've just made it to two clean weeks.

I feel that keeping the eyes down on the street is starting to become more habitual.

The looking is probably 30%lust and 70%habit.  (But, without working on the lust, you can't do anything about the habit).

I have gone back to my previous decision to use the forum less.

It's not a question of how much to use the forum, rather it's a question of how much to use the computer.

I think I am addicted to THAT even more than I'm addicted to lust.  I'm finally waking up to the toll it's taking on my wife and kids.

I've tried in the past to limit my use to so much time, but I always get sucked in and stay on much longer than I planned.

So, I'm trying now to limit my use to certain days in the week.

Totally wonderful.
Keep up the good work.
Remember its a life long thing, and it keeps getting better and better.
Yerushalayim was not built in a day.
Please stay in touch, your progress reports are very much appreciated.
best wishes for a GREAT year,
kutan

I'm now on 28 clean days.

I totally crashed from that amazing feeling I was having at being able to control my eyes.  I'm starting, slowly, to be more careful again.  I went through a REALLY rought time.  I managed not to act out only by promising my Yeitzer that, if I didn't act out, I could act out the next day THREE times AND run an unfiltered image search of the net.  My Yeitzer was appeased.  I was so konked out that I collapsed at about 7:30pm, and didn't wake up until 4:00am for the call of nature.  My Yeitzer was already trying to cash in, but I was so well-rested that I was not so sensitive.  I was able to stop myself before it was too late, thank G-d, realizing that I really didn't want to act out.

I think getting enough rest is a big key in this struggle.  I've been doing much better at this since I drastically cut down my computer use.

Eye,
Sounds like you're really figuring this all out, with HKB"H's help, of course.
Shkoyach!
Getting rest is big for me too. I can totally relate to what you said about being well-rested.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 01 Oct 2009 12:51:


EYE.N,
Thanks for the update.
Your reports are amazing! The YH fell for it... when you sweetened the deal with THREE times... that is FUNNY  ;D

Oy, rest! last night kutan got 5 hrs. sleep.

please keep posting from time to time.

kutan

I'm now on day 32.

This is especially momentus--Day 30, one month, was on Succos.  I've broken a psychological barrier of mine, because I once thought that there's some sort of physiological cycle, a build up of pressure, that is practically impossible to withstand after 30 days.

Thanks to the GYE handbook, I can get rid of this misconception.

I'll say, at the beginning of trying to stay clean, I felt like the difference is between mas** or not.  What difference does it really make.

As I keep on at staying clean, I'm realizing just how much schmootz was hiding behind this addiction.

For one, intimacy between my wife and I is starting to feel more like a human interaction, instead of a mental short-curcuit while some animalistic impulses are fulfilled.

Also, I noticed I am excessively angry with our children.  Why so much?  I think I just realized--marital intimacy has never exactly gone 100% smoothly.  I recently did a lot of thinking, and uncovered this subconcious train of thought:  My kids are causing my wife to be overwhelmed; since my wife is overwhelmed, she's never quite in the mood; so my kids' misbehavior is interfering with my lust fulfillment!  I recently resolved that, perhaps our intimacy will have to be on hold, if peace and calm is a prerequisite.  I felt that I had to accept this, and I thought I could handle this is it is what G-d really wants from me.  It was liberating.  And, we already found an eye in the storm.  The key is, to be ABLE to put things on hold, if this is what you need to do.

Other realizations were, in general, thinking of things in terms af being addictive--if I can't control myself then it's an addiction.  I've majorly cut back on computer use, which has been a very positive change in my life.  The main benefit is that I'm getting a normal amount of rest for the first time in probably ten years.

Also, I am more available to my wife and children.  However--the addictions were covering up problems, they were an escape.  Now I have to face the problem and deal with them.  This can be depressing at times, and at first it was VERY depressing, but I think the eventual outcome will definitely be worth the difficulty.
 

Eye.nonymous wrote on 05 Oct 2009 15:10:


E.N.
your insight is GOLD.  you will find that letting go of lust will have a dominoe effect, and other parts of our life will SLOWLY (never expect instant results... instant coffee never can equal the real thing) improve in dramatic ways. The fact that you are discovering this so fast is amazing and shows that you really have insight into yourself.
Once you can calmly put lust on hold,  things fall into place, and eventually the intimate parts of marriage wil actually be MUCH more fulfilling, but in a totally different way.
Please keep us informed !

kutan

I was wondering if I should continue my progress in a new thread just for a change.

I had a BIG SLIP yesterday.  It was a total Yeitzer Hara sneak attack, which involved z.l. but did not involve any p**n, ma***, or even looking at women.  So, I'm calling it a slip.  I am still surprised that it happened.

The 90 day chart ought to include a record for slips, too.  After a BIG SLIP, I don't feel quite right signing in and simply checking off "STILL CLEAN!!!"  But, I'm going to do it anyways because this wasn't really a fall.

So, at the very least, I'm admitting in this thread that I slipped.

It sounds like you're talking about Hirhurim and Kishui.  That might rightfully be called a "slip," but it's definitely not a fall.  We have more control over our actions than over our thoughts (although we need to work on our thoughts as well).

What's impressing me most about your struggle Eye, is how you are utilizing it to make changes and improvement in your overall life and outlook, and realizing that it is only a part of the whole picture.
We all have what to learn here.
Chazak v'ematz!

7up, thanks.

I don't understand. If it didn't involve pictures or mast**, then how did it come to z.l? Or was it just a wet-dream?

I am only asking so I can perhaps offer advice about how to avoid this happening again.

Meanwhile, you are doing great. Keep up the good work!