163.

On Shabbos I was trecking out with my children for an afternoon stroll.

The kids had been kvetching all day long.

I had no idea where we were going to walk to.

I felt I was just trying to survive an hour or two of hell to let my wife take a nap.

It was very hard to control my eyes--I basically didn't.

There was even one woman, I couldn't believe in this neighborhood, dressed so un-tzniusly that even my kids all started to stare.  We stopped to sit down and "rest" until she was safely out of our view.

WHY COULDN'T I CONTROL MY EYES!

BUT, the source of the RID was obvious.  I was feeling like a failure.  I'm dissapointing my kids.  And I've been annoyed all day with them.  And I can't think of a great afternoon activity that my kids will be thrilled with.

SO.  Here it is.  A new level of RID uncovered.  Forget the acceptance of one's feelings.  Here's--ACCEPTING MY SELF!  I have to believe that I'm trying.  I'm really doing the best I can right now.  And that's really good enough.

I know this is something I really have to work at, and probably affects everything.  Haven't thought of it for a while, and didn't realize it's so directly connected to guarding my eyes.

My oldest boy (9) found an abandoned toy boomerang in one of the little parks we stopped at.  In the end we had a good time throwing it back and forth, and trying to get it to come back.

--Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 11 Apr 2010 14:46:


I was about to log off, when I saw your new post come in. I'm so glad I saw this. You've reminded me of what my focus for the day could be. (Day? Did I say Day? I meant, Week. Or more. Or forever.)  ACCEPTING MY SELF as a source of so much incl GYE.

Thanks again.

165.

Today I was doing some major home organization with my wife.  I got really angry at one point.  Though I got angry, at least I realized THIS IS MY EGO.  And I realized I WANT TO ESCAPE--and THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO.  We got over it, and continued for quite a while longer.

In the past I would have definitely blamed HER for my anger.  Now, I realized it was MY EGO acting up.

  --Eye.

Hey, I've got it all worked out. My wife knows so clearly that it isn't her fault when I freak out, that she now blames herself for not reminding me that it's my ego that's the real problem whenever I get all wacky....so it's her fault in the end anyway! Ha!  ;D

dov wrote on 12 Apr 2010 18:28:


Wow sounds like the type of relationship I'd want to have one day....

go eye go!

doing great - leading the pack.

go man go!

Hey Eyeballer, how u doin? U sound strong, man, KUTGW!!

I'm finally reading Garden of Peace. My wife keeps asking me what advice it's giving me. i tell her that i'm supposed to be so nice to her that she'll volunteer to make steak every night.

I'm trying, but I guess i'm  not nice enough. tonite's lasagna.

It IS a great book, tho. I've stopped criticizing my wife, and trying to avoid comments too, and I can see a definite improvement in her happiness level in just 2 weeks.

I wish this had come out 21 years ago...

166.

Feeling really weak today.  On the verge of acting out.

I came home from Mincha and my wife said "It's raining in the kids' room."

Water was pouring through the ceiling.

I spent almost all the rest of the day in the attic trying to locate the source of the leak, and then trying to call someone who would take responsibility for it, or at least agree to do something about it (we just had some work done, very complicated).  I blew up at one of the contractors.  Besides that, we did some rennovations, and we're just starting to put them to use.  It's very disappointing, we're realizing nothing worked out right.  And besides that, somehow, we don't have hot water right now.

So, that's what happened when we were hoping, instead, to put on a few finishing touches and move on.

And, my wife and I had a talk about intimacy expectations about a week or two ago and we came to a new understanding, and agreement.  And, already two weeks in a row we haven't managed to keep to it.

I feel like acting out.

I hung some wet laundry to try and take my mind off it.

I still feel like acting out.

I'll probably do some dishes and go to bed and forget about it.

It's getting late here on this side of the globe.

  --Eye.  :'(

I imagine this will become another chizzuk E-mail.

Sorry to admit, I often just skim quickly through those messages, especially the longer ones.

After I just wrote my previous message, I decided to check my E-mail before shutting down.

As I was feeling so much like acting out, in came the message "How to do a real fall."

I read it.  I thought it was very funny.  It was great to put a humorous perspective on acting out.

It really would feel absurd right now to act out.

Thanks 1lifetolive.

And, Thank Guard!

  --Eye.

THAT WAS A GREAT EMAIL

Funny how when things get really screwey and annoying, this stupid voice in me says "just act out and everything will be better.....really...." Another voice then say "Let's see...17 and a half things are jorrible, and acting out will not just make it even worse?! How's that?" It kind of knocks the wind out of the lust sails sometimes... Just cuz I feel it doesn't mean it's true. Now that's a tough pill to swallow.

Hey, Reb Eye, hope your delef turns into elef (of shalom bayis)! As long as you stay with eachother, it's amazing what you can get through!

Eye-Yai-Yai !!

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all your troubles dissappear!

All I could do, including davenning for you, is to remind you that Hashem NEVER gives someone a test that is impossible for him to pass. So despite the overwhelmingness of it, Hashem would not possibly be "laying it on you" like this if you were incapable of handling it.

Sounds like He really believes in you, man.

May you soon find the strength to go from strength to strength.

Oh, BTW, perhaps it comes close to a flood I had in my basement years ago when i tried to be my own plumber. I openned a trap from a toilet that was under the street level. Next thing i knew, I had several inches of water over a basement floor of over 600 square feet, including the sewage from ALL THE OTHER HOUSES on the block. 

I like being neighborly, but THAT was ridiculous!!

Eye,

Sounds like you're doing a-ok,
remember it's all about the journey
and the challenges along the way,
and how we are able to deal with them.

Hope you're having a great day!

eye - you are great!

love ya!

go man, go!

Thanks.  I appreciate the flood of responses and chizzuk.

My wife and I decided that we're advanced.  G-d didn't bother just to give us one test, he's now giving us several of them at the same time.

Throughout the whole ordeal (and a related on the day before) I reached a point where I blew up.  Afterwards, I realized, "Hey, I should have noticed an hour ago this was coming!"

DC is always urging us to "become aware of our perceptions and motives."  So, I asked him how to turn up the awareness so we'll see these things coming more easily.  He said the answer is that we have to train ourselves to keep stopping and pausing.  Just like you stop before you cross the street to look both ways--you don't want to get killed by a truck!  So too, we've got to keep stopping to check our perceptions and motives.

It's the straw that broke the camel's back, but we're trying to prevent all the rest of the straw from getting loaded onto our backs.

This morning durring Hallel I stopped to think, "Hey, what's the big deal about a new month?  What are we singing praises about?"

After a few moments, I came up with a couple of answers.

1.  The moon was just gone, and now it came back.  We celebrate that, even from total darkness, we can come back into the light.

2.  Renewal.  Each month is a chance to start over.  Really, each day is a chance to start over.  "One day at a time," everyone knows means don't think too much about the future.  Looking ahead at a seemingly overwhelming task can make you give up hope.  BUT ALSO, it means TODAY IS A NEW DAY.  You don't have to carry your baggage and ill-feelings over from yesterday.  You can clear the emotional slate and have a fresh, calm start.

3.  Also, we can to Teshuva and have a fresh start, all our sins forgiven.  Lots of people even daven special "Yom Kippur Katan" services the day before Rosh Hodesh.

I'm starting to see, over and over again, after these really hard days, the Tomorrow can turn out much different.  Even better.

 --Eye.