I had an amazing thought today, in appreciation for all the difficulties I have gone through recently.

My wife and baby were just in the hospital for a week, while I was at home taking care of the rest of the kids.

And before that, I had something like mono for about a month or two.

From the mono, I was flexible to take care of myself.  Resting more, easing up on my goals, and not driving myself crazy.

I actually said to my wife, "hey, if we ever go through one of those medical situations again when I'm home with the kids, I think I can handle it much more calmly now."  (took me a month to realize this)

"Al tiftach picha l'satan!"

Or, Hashem wanted to see if I'd live up to my word.

Here I am, shortly afterwards, living up to my word.  I didn't expect this to happen so fast.

But, from the mono I learned a few lessons, which I needed to handle this more recent medical emergency.

And, I've really grown from the whole experience.

I actually see a design here.

Shavua Tov Eye,

Gotta admit I havent read the mens threads for a while,
but decided to pop in here and say hi.

Seems youve been tested recently,
and learnt a lot from your challenges!
You are very right;
these 'non-adddiction' posts are very much in place here,
and tremendously helpful.
They remind all of us that there is hope for tomorrow,
and the day will come when we are so occupied with "life" and "living"
that addiction will not only on the back burner -
but the fire will be off underneath it!!

MAy all future nisyonos be only via smachos,
7up

Eye.nonymous wrote on 27 Mar 2010 20:50:


You choke me up, Eye. Wow -- those moments of clarity where we see that our pity-able hardships etc are really blessings, part of His Divine plan. These moments don't come into my life as often as I sometimes feel I "need" them. But when I hear one of the GYE brothers sharing one, it gives me a little chapp, too.  Consider yourself lucky that you get to see His pattern every once in a while.

153.

Good Moed.

Here are a few thought I had recently:

DON’T TALK, DON’T TRUST, DON’T FEEL

I realized another application of “Don’t talk…” As a father, it’s easy to be annoyed with the kids and just tell them to be quiet when I feel annoyed by them.  I know, ideally I should work on this.  But at least, I was thinking, “Oh no!  Am I teaching my kids don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel”?  And, this makes it easier to be patient.

A&W [Awe & Wonder] Moment

Before Yom Tov, we sent our son to write down the davening times at my usual shul.  He’s 9, and the schedule can be a bit confusing.  On Yom Tov Mincha, I thought I was arriving 5 minutes early, but I was 15 minutes late.  I decided that I could let myself trust my son, even though he made a mistake.  I looked for a plan B, and to find meaning and purpose in the change of plans.  I found another shul with a later minyan.  An otzer sefarim was next door, and I remembered I needed to look something up.  I walked out of the otzer sefarim for the exact last minute of sunset—I saw the sun as it dipped beneath the horizon.  That was an A&W moment.

TALK, FEEL, TRUST

One thing I have learned in the course of recovery is that s** is optional, and not mandatory.  Due to our hectic schedule I have been more considerate of my wife.  As we usually can’t manage to find time to rest, we end up having s** less often.  It works out every two or three weeks now.  I’ve come to accept that.

My wife and I were having a discussion about where to go for a day trip during chol hamoed.  It ended up being a ridiculously long and involved discussion.  Then, I thought, “WHAT AM I REALLY FEELING ABOUT THIS!”  I realized the following, and told my wife:

“Due to our hectic lives, I understand we might not be able to have s** so often.  I can be fine with that.  And maybe I’m supposed to be above this, but I really would prefer to have s** more often.  So, at this stage in our lives, I’m not really thrilled to plan a day long schlep and wear ourselves out even more.  If we have the chance, I’d rather plan a simple, local trip, take it easy, and maybe have a little more energy for each other.”

She appreciated my being so up-front.

Sounds like recovery in action, to me, chaver....

I had a nice thought recently:

I think it is Shlomo HaMelech who davened not to become poor and not to become rich.  Either one tests a person's Emuna in Hashem.

I used to think:  Most people are average, and some people are dirt poor and have the test of poverty, and some people are filthy rich and have the test of luxury.

BUT NO!  Every single one of us, at any moment, has some things in our life that are tests.  Do we use these as an opportunity to come closer to Hashem, or not (and fill up our minds with RID instead)?  AND, at any moment, every single one of us has things to be happy with.  Do we appreciate them and fill our life with true joy (leaving no room for RID?)

ON ANOTHER NOTE
Recently I was feeling a lot of RID.  So, I reached out to another fellow in DC's group.

This was the first time I reached out to help resolve the RID, long before the URGE came along.  Which is a new step.

Chag Sameach,

  --Eye.

I just sent out an SOS (Save Our Soul!) on a different thread. 

For Details:

rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1251.msg60195#msg60195

Baruch Hashem, I'm doing better now.  (made it to 159)

I got a call from DovFromIsrael which was very helpful.

I guess I tend to be introspective, always analyzing my feelings and looking for deeper thoughts behind them.  Here I was feeling the "urge" very strongly with no apparant cause.

I have heard that eating right and getting enough rest is important for staying clean.  But DovFromIsrael gave a really nice explanation for this, a deeper explanation, yet so simple.  I found it extremely helpful:

Sometimes we're really tired, we should have gone to sleep already, but we're still up.  Or maybe we ate too much sugary foods and our minds can't relax and let our bodies go to sleep.  So, our bodies send out the message "I NEED TO SLEEP!"  And, "Well, how can I get some sleep!"  If nothing else works, a lust hit has come in handy to knock out out in the past.

SO, we get this massive urge for lust, but we really just need to get some sleep.

Nothing deeper than that, but I thought that's pretty deep, too.  It made a lot of sense to me.

Also, I asked someone a more general question about how to get rid of RID.  This was the main part of the answer:


As addicts we tend to overthink everything and sometimes this can cause us more anxiety than we already have.  Acceptance is the key.

Accept the feeling, feel the feeling, don't push it away or you give it MORE power.  Accept it, take a walk and think it over.




   

Keep on trucking my friend.

Reb Eye, It sounds like you got a bunch of gold from your friends. KOT!

160.

I am really amazed at how powerful this is--to just acknowledge your feelings, accept them, and then let go of them.  No analysis, no brooding, no guilt.

It's probably part of the "Don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" idea.  We learned to feel guilty for having feelings.  Instead of accepting them we tried to bury them.  Our minds fought back, "NO, I REALLY HAVE A FEELING!"  Which either drove us to act out almost immediately, or drove us to get depressed and act out eventually.

I feel so liberated.

"OK.  YES.  I AM OUTSIDE AND I WILL PROBABLY LUST FOR EVERY WOMAN ON THE SIDEWALK NOW."

Okay, thanks for acknowledging that.  You've never done that before.  It's OKAY to have feelings, and you don't have to fight to get rid of them.  You can go now.

Last night we had a woman over to discuss organizing our house.  My wife really wanted me to be there for my helpful comments and ideas (I have somewhat of a knack for organization).  The discussion lasted about 2 hours, (and I thought this woman was attractive).  I was able to notice whenever I started feeling lust for this woman, acknowledge it, and forget about it.  Instead of wrestling with lust for a straight 2 hours, I just had a few passing moments of lust. 

Wow.
So there's really hope of a comfortable recovery.
Thanks for living a life that inspires me.
I'd suggest you write it up in some Jewish website somewhere, but I suppose it would be a little difficult to get it printed [grin].

Your posts convince me that you're a man of amazing insight and strength.

Thanks Briut.

Have a Good Shabbos everyone,

  --Eye.

Thanks so much, Reb Eye!

In classic "Steve-ish", the response to your post is:

WOWIE!!!

Your profound insights have just shot me to the moon and back. FEEL, then GO. No guilt, accept that it's OK to feel, don't get down on yourself, and then move on.

Thank you, Reb Eye, again and again!

And Good VOCH!!!