Feeling your pain. Amazed at your strength.

No one says it better than Dov.

His words are like a soothing balm on all our pain.

Thanks for all your responses.

No end in sight yet.

Trying to manage as best as I can.  Not easy.

  --Eye.

Eye.: Sent you a PM describing how many parallels I see in our life situations this week.

I'm around if you'd like to "vent" or anything. Best, best regards!

We love the eyeball guy.  8)

Just had to post that....bye!

I've stopped DC's phone group for now (but I haven't quit recovery!).

I spoke to him, he was extremely positive.  I'm amazed how he can be so positive about a situation that seems so overwhelming.

I'm trying to keep in touch with DovFromIsrael from DC's calls, which is very helpful.  To fill me in on what I'm missing, and for general chizzuk.

One thing that DC talks about is that in our lives we learned DON'T TALK, DON'T TRUST, DON'T FEEL.  And DFI has pointed out how far that goes.  That feeling "I DON'T NEED ANY HELP," and "I'LL BE FINE, I CAN MANAGE ON MY OWN" is really our "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel."  It's the isolation upon which our addiction thrives.

So, I've been opening up to some neighbors and friends, trying to ask for help and trying to accept help, overcoming that uncomfortable feeling of having to admit to people that I NEED HELP.  That THINGS ARE DIFFICULT FOR ME.  That I'M REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME.

I prepared a care package (duffel bag) for my wife to send off with someone this morning.  My wife gave me a list of thing to gather.  One was "baby toys."  I know our baby likes to play with this plastic key ring, but I couldn't find it.  I made an extra effort to look for it, and eventually found it.  I started to FEEL, "I miss my baby.  I miss my wife.  I love them."  I'm not just going through life as a robot, just trying to do what I need to do.  I stopped, took out some special stationery, and wrote a note to my wife.  And another to my baby.  Then I started writing over some of the stuff I sent--hearts, smily faces, "I love you."

DC says I should look at this as an opportunity to become a new Eye.nonymous.

I definitely feel now that everything I took for granted before, everything I held as holy and immutable truths, are all up for question.  Do I really believe it?  Am I just following the party line, or is it really what I think I should be doing?

Yesterday, in a moment of quiet, I sat down and started to make a plan.  How many days until Pesach.  What exactly needs to be done?  What can I forego.  I think it's a trick of the Yeitzer Hara to make me think, "OH NO THERE'S SO MUCH TO DO, AND NO TIME TO DO IT!"  Once everything is clearly defined, it does seem possible.  Still not easy, but possible.

 --Eye.
 

You're amazing Eye. An inspiration for us.
A leader of the pack.

Thanks for updating us.

Momo wrote on 18 Mar 2010 13:36:


Ditto totally.

141.

Barely have time these days even to update my thread here, but I want to try to stay connected at least this much.

Just had a frightening realization today.

Here I've been all week trying to take care of the children, preparing meals for them, dressing and cleaning them, washing dishes, doing the laundry, trying to keep the house from getting too messy to live in, shopping, and other assorted chores.  And I'm doing it all alone.  It's really takes a lot out of a person.  I was thinking how difficult it is to do this all alone.

THEN, after a whole week, it finally dawned on me--THIS IS HOW MY WIFE USUALLY IS.  I thought of myself and my addiction.  Not so much the acting out, but the root of it--self centered and escapism.  Avoiding responsibility.  Hiding from life's challenges instead of facing them.  Waking up whenever I manage to get out of bed and go to daven, pop in for breakfast, run off to morning seder, pop in for lunch and then go "work" on the computer [not looking at p**, but definitely wasting a lot of time] , then run off to afternoon seder, come home for dinner and then go "work" some more.

True, I do help some.  But I never realized before how thoroughly selfish I have actually been acting.

So, with all this, my wife is usually taking care of all these things, pretty much ALONE!

It's an awfully lot to expect from one person.

In the past we've had similar situations.  I did more to help out for a while and realized "hey, why don't I do this even when we're not suffering a medical emergency."  This lasted for maybe a week, and then I was back to usual.

I hope this time is different.  It's not how much or how little I do that's the problem.  It's my outlook.  Am I trying to escape life's challenges, or am I trying to TRULY be helpful.

Shavua Tov,

 --Eye.  

If the whole "medical emergency" was just so you should learn this, I think your wife (and Hashem?) will say "it was worth it!" 

Make sure to tell your wife your latest he'ara. She will love you for it.

You are a great man, eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 20 Mar 2010 19:13:


Dear Reb Eye,

Thanks again for a beautiful post. What you described in this real-life share hits home for me totally. It's the crux of recovery for me, no question. And as long as I remain sober, I find myself staying on the path you describe and it seems there is just no way to stop growing! Thanks again!
Refuah Sheleima and hatzlacha with your improving life together!

Thinking about y'all,

Dov and family

- Dov

Wow, REB EYE,

Yes that's right, you just got smicha. Smicha doesn't come when you're in cruise control, it comes when your are both barrels ablaze fighting for everything you know to be true, and winning that battle.

I've been away for a while, but I just read your last 6 posts and I'm totally blown away by you, you are an incredible warrior.

You wrote that you don't want to pretend like you finished 90 days and then suddenly you're this angel... I don't know, you could have fooled me!

I said some tehillim for you and your wife, and I echo all of Momo's prayers.

Please keep on displaying your superpowers, you are a huge inspiration for everyone on GYE!!!

142.

Thanks for all your responses. 

Dov, I know what you mean.  After each major realization I get this feeling, "What more is there?"  Then, I'm surprised to find out that there's more.

Today I haven't been doing as well--a lot more impatient with the kids.  I just actually called my wife and asked, "How do you deal with this every day!?!?  I'm going crazy!"  She gave me some tips that I hope will help.

In the middle of all this, a possible free-lance job opportunity has come up.  I just sent in a sample and I'm waiting for their reply.  If you don't mind putting in a few tefillahs or tehillim or something for this (along with everything else!), it would be much appreciated.

Thanks.

Oh yeah, I had another realization.  I mentioned in the past how I was in a similar medical situation.  I tried to get up and daven before the kids woke up, and I drove myself crazy.  THIS TIME I am being more realistic and going to a late minyan after all the kids are sent off.

Well, now all the kids are starting vacation.  So, my best option ACTUALLY is to try to get up and daven before the kids wake up.

BUT I realized, as an addict, I wasn't dealing with reality.  I expected to daven from start to finish without any interruptions, no matter what.  Even if I woke up late, I somehow believed that I really woke up early and MY PLAN will go the way I wanted them to.

NOW, I think I'm more in touch with reality.  If I woke up later than expected, I can admit it to myself, "This isn't going to go as smoothly as you planned."  I've already spoken in the middle of Pesukei D'zimra, and even walked off in the middle of a Shmodei Esrei to help my 2-year old.  I can't believe it.

  --Eye.

Today during mincha, I heard a child crying away outside the shtiblach for like 15 minutes straight. After davening, as I was leaving, I saw the father come out and berate his kid (who was sitting weeping on the steps) for disturbing his davening, and impatiently motioning for him to follow him. And I thought to myself, "is this what Hashem wants?"  :'(

Eye, you're the man.

KUTGW and we all here with you.

The way you are living your life in this challenging time is one big long tefillah, may your tefillah continue to be liratzon before Ha-shem!!!

I will definitely try to put in a good word with the Lord in terms of you getting that free lance job!

Keep on Trukkin!