KOT!!

Things seem to be going from bad to worse.

Our baby has been crying unexplainably since Friday afternoon.  The doctor just ordered my wife to go into the hospital.  We hope it's nothing and she'll be home later this evening or tomorrow.  But it might end up being an extended stay.

I'm home taking care of the rest of the kids.

I feel like I was run over by a steam-roller.

In the past, whenever we had a similar medical situation (like, my wife went to the hospital to have a baby), on one hand it was easier to accept--we asked for it!  But still, I always had (unrealistic) hopes to maintain some sort of learning seder, and to more or less daven normally.

I did spend a while in shock at the news that my wife may be in the hospital for an extended stay.

But, after I came too, I had a different approach. 

I dropped all expectations.  Maybe I won't learn at all 'till we're through this.  Maybe I won't see a minyan for a while. 

All these expectations really drove me mad.  I'm trying to take this as calmly, and as realistically, as I possibly can.

This wouldn't be possible without the realizations I have been having lately, thanks to GYE and thanks to DC's phone group.

  --Eye.

Eye,

B"H, you're in a better place to handle the current situation.
Remember that we're all here for you and thinking of you.
May all be well.

Thoughts and prayers for you and family my friend.  KOT!! 

Refua shliema.

How's the baby?

Your attitude of Emunah is surely shaking the heavens!

136.

My wife is still in the hospital and will probably still be there for at least another couple of days.  They're doing tests on the baby, and haven't found out what's wrong yet.

I was thinking how self-centered we can be as addicts.  My first thought really ought to be I HOPE MY BABY IS OKAY!  WE'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.

Instead, I'm worried WHAT ABOUT MY PLANS!  Do we REALLY have to take him to the hospital?

A sobering thought.  I hope to change this.

This morning I woke up and my only concern was "get the kids fed, dressed, and off to school."  It went fairly smoothly.  They had a tahte to take care of them unlike in the past when I tried to dump breakfast in front of them and hope they were quite long enough while they ate that I could get through most of shacharis.  G-d forbid if my daily schedule, plans, and aspirations got messed up!

I was thinking, "here's a tahte they might want to be like!"

After everyone was sent off I went to a late-late minyan, about two hours later than I usually try to get to.  I was an hour and a half late getting to morning seder.

BUT, FOR THE FIRST TIME I GOT THE FEELING, "MAYBE TODAY I'M DOING WHAT G-D WANTS."

It was overall a very positive (and RID-free) experience.

  Eye.

Wow! BH for recovery..... I can relate. I remember well how when lust was basically in charge of my life, my kids were basically just another pain in the behind! I would not have admitted that at the time, of course, but some stuff drove me crazy and I wondered why...only to discover my dirty secret in recovery years later.
In recovery I started to see them as Hashem's kids, rather than mine. It made it easier to accept the burden...
And within a short time, I found that I had naturally accepted them as my own!
When we give our stuff away to Him, it seems that He tends to give it all back to us, and rather quickly! Then it's finally really ours - and we act like it!
Get me, chaver?
BTW, this makes the gemora's explanation of b'rachos make perfect sense to me (kah kodem - "laHashem"...kahn l'achar - "livnei odom").

Please keep posting.

Eye, another beautiful post.
Thanks for helping us all gain some perspective.

(I have even stopped with DC's call-in group until life here returns to normal).  :o

I can't believe it myself.

KUTGW!! 

137.

I'M GOING NUTS!!!

I wish all these nisyonos would stop already.

I haven't had a decent income to speak of in at least a year.  I'm really getting worried.

My wife, under normal circumstances, spends half her time bringing our children to different doctors appointments.

Now she's in the hospital for hopefully no more than another day or two, but worst-case-scenerio could be six weeks.

Pesach is coming up and I have no idea how we're going to be prepared for it, or if we'll all be together for it.

I might as well add:  I did teshuva and pretty much lost the rest of my family--they all stayed behind.  Can barely relate to them anymore.  It's been like that since at least 15 years ago.

My learning hopes and aspirations have totally fallen apart.

I don't want to hide these feelings.  I don't want to pretend like I made it to 90 days and, presto, suddenly became a superhuman or angel or something.   

I don't feel like acting out, but I feel totally crushed.  Paralyzed.

Right now my children just came home.  They are playing downstairs, and I am ignoring them upstairs to write this.  I've been running around like crazy all morning taking care of different things.  Pretty soon I'll log out, go downstairs and make lunch, and spend the rest of the day taking care of them.

OMG. I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough time.

Do your parents or in-laws live in Israel? Can you send your kids to them for a couple of days to let you rest/clean for Pesach?

I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all better for you. Unfortunately, I don't have that wand.

May your baby get well very soon. And let us all say, Amen!
May your wife get home very soon. And let us all say, Amen!
May you find a good parnasa very soon. And let us all say, Amen!
May you get back into learning very soon. And let us all say, Amen!
May you continue to keep strong, and not feel like acting out. And let us all say, Amen!

Praying for you,
MOMO

AwMAYN to each of Momo's tefilos.
I'm sure you KNOW there's a quieter time on the other side of this brick wall.
I'm also guessing it might be comforting to hear it again and again.

So,
I'm sure you KNOW there's a quieter time on the other side of this brick wall.
I'm sure you KNOW there's a quieter time on the other side of this brick wall.
I'm sure you KNOW there's a quieter time on the other side of this brick wall.

- Briut

Emergency blue-out:

Eye.nonymous wrote on 16 Mar 2010 11:49: