...one of the guys also asked if I could print up a copy of the Big Book for him.

...Mission accomplished.

118.

THE FILTER EVOLUTION

When I first heard about getting a filter, I was very resistant.  It was about a month or two until my wife and I sat down together, looked through the information, and installed K9.

One catalyst was my involvement in this forum.  Posting messages like, "Woops, just slipped on the computer again.  BTW, I don't have a filter."  The fault--the stupidity even--became obvious.

I just thought I was too "curious" and too "multi-faceted" to do without free internet surfing.

I eventually gave in.

At first it hurt--OH, I CAN'T SEE THIS SITE!  I felt so limited.  After a while, I started to appreciate it was for my own benefit.  After a while I REALLY didn't want to see things accidentally that I shouldn't see.

I got used to it.

Then, I started to notice that I'm just wasting lots of time on the computer.  It's an ESCAPE and an ADDICTION, at least equal (if not worse) to this lust addiction.

It was part of the same recovery process.

I don't have a white-list filter.  (But, I've got K9 set up that it practically does the same thing now).  At first I never would have been able to accept such a thing.  But now, I see that I REALLY only need a handful of sites.  If I stray from those I know--I'M WASTING TIME AGAIN!!!  What about my wife?  What about my children?  Maybe I could actually be on time for afternoon seder.

I used to use the computer much longer than I expected and, afterwards, I'd leave begrudgingly, "Oh no... I still need to do this, and this, and this..."

Now, I go on to the computer in the first place thinking "I REALLY don't want to use this thing much.  Let's just take care of business and get off as fast as I can."  I have people waiting for me who are more important.

If I didn't have work, I used to turn it on and pretend to be working.

Now, If I don't have real work to do, I can go a day or two without turing it on.

--Eye.

A lesson for everyone!  KUTGW!

119.  (Tomorrow is 120)

I just wanted to say I joined DC's group.  There's quite a crowd participating.

I feel like I've come a long way, but I think I'm missing something still.

I think DC has got it.

GYE is great!

Have a Good Shabbos, and a Freileche Purim!

  --Eye.

That's great news eye.

May you go from 120 and on forever!

122.

I hope every had/is having a great Purim!

We're always comparing ourselves to alcoholics.  Well, on Purim I had another insight about just how powerful an addiction is:

Here I am, I drank someone more than I could physically handle.  My head is spinning.  I'm vomiting.  Feeling really gross.

And an alcoholic has this feeling, like every day.

AND HE GOES AHEAD AND DRINKS AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN...

--Eye.

Thanks for all your chizuk!! Keep up the great work

Keep up the good work.  You counting is inspirational for me.

I think today is

123.
ABC
Do Re Mi.

mazel tov ee!

124.

I've been working hard on this trying to stay positive.  Trying not to complain about things.  Trying to keep a smile on my face when I come home.

On top of this, I've been feeling under the weather more than not.  I just went to the doctor.  Turns out I've got some sort of sickness which is sort of like mono.  Feeling run-down and a strange fever and chills that come by night and leave by morning.  Could take a couple of weeks to a couple of months to get better.

I've been very realistic with myself all this while, feeling more limited than usual but not exactly sure why.  I've been able to lower my standards for myself and go easy on myself.  I've been able to be fairly cheerful so far.  I'm okay, even if I can't do as much right now.

I haven't been eating myself up about a couple of daf that I'm "off schedule."  I don't even know if I'll ever bother "making up" for them. 

I haven't been eating myself up about sleeping until 8 some mornings (though I used to scream if I got up much later than six--I've messed up the whole day already!).

I asked the doctor if I have to just stay in bed for a couple of months until I'm all better.

He said "no" but I shouldn't knock myself out, either.  Just do as much as I can handle.

Which is what I was doing anyways.  I was on the right track--a healthy track--thanks to all the insights I have gained throughout this struggle.

In the past, I wouldn't have been able to accept my limitations.  I would have knocked myself out.  I would have either driven myself to get more sick, or I would have driven myself to total frustration.

In my opinion, a sick body with a healthy attitude, is healthier than a healthy body with a sick attitude!

Refuah Shleimah!

Whatever he said....

KUTGW!!!

125.  (180 is starting to seem a little close from here).

Here's one thing that came to mind recently, inspired by DC's call (but it's my own musings):

When you're outside, why is it so hard to guard your eyes?

I think I go on "TAKER" mode as soon as I step outside.  I'm gonna take--I'm gonna look at whoever there is to look at.

I'm trying to be more aware of this.  Being a "GIVER," should supposedly be the remedy.  But, I'm not sure yet exactly how to carry this out practically.

One thing is at least try not to be a TAKER.

But, what can I GIVE?

One thought that I've started to work on--by not looking you can GIVE these ladies respect, dignity, and privacy.

Sure they're outside, but that's not a free ticket for everyone to stare at them.

Sort of like if you see a guy on a wheel-chair.  We understand there it's a breach of his dignity to treat him like a spectacle.