Day 98.
I was thining that this AA, forever vulnerable, seems to be very much in line with Chazal.
1. The yeitzer is misgaver on a person every day.
2. Without Hashem's help, we can't withstand it.
I don't mean "vulnerable" like paranoid vulnerable. I mean "vulnerable" in a sobering sort of way. Like, if you know that you'll get electricuted by touching the socket with wet hands, you're afraid to do it AND you won't do it. You're not paranoid about electric sockets all day long. But, I've uncovered a lot of triggers for what they are--electric sockets. I'm done playing games "If I only do this, it won't be a problem," "If I stop at this point, I'll be okay." STARTING, and starting ANYTHING distantly related to lust is a trigger.
Much earlier in my struggles, like when I was 15 or something, I did lots of introspection and lots of thinking about how bad this addiction is (I had a really influential youth group leader/rav). I realized that THINKING ABOUT IT was driving me TO DO IT, though I was trying to analyze it and avoid it.
I decided for a long time NOT to think about it.
I built myself up in other areas.
After a long time I had a strong enough self image to give some thought to this struggle again.
I could try my best not to act out, but shrug it off if I did mess up.
I think if way back then I would try to do what I was doing NOW, it might have just broken me further. No matter what, I would have interepreted any imperfection as, "you're no good!"
On another point, I see a great benefit in this "vulnerable" feeling. I am turning to Hashem informally, and much more often than I used to. I feel my emunah is growing in a very real way, though slowly. I have never felt before so tangibly that Hashem is actually a part of my life. And, if this is the result of vulnerability, I'd gladly keep it.
