Thankyou for all your replies.

I feel that today I'm still on shaky ground.

BUT, I think I'm getting a better idea of why.

I think I had about a month there where I just felt like a different person.  I felt like "I'm finally cured!"  [of course, not forgetting:  Once an addict, always an addict].

So, now I've hit a REALLY dark spot!  WHAT'S GOING ON!!

I think some really big issues are coming to the surface.  Issues that I've probably been running away from (and running to the addiction) for years.

Like, WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!!!

It's really scary.  And, when I start to feel just plain mediocre, or nebuch, I want to escape.

But now, building on my past success, I think I have the strength to face these issues.

IT'S NOT GOING TO BE EASY.  IT'S A TOTALLY NEW LEVEL OF DISCOMFORT.

BUT, I THINK I OUGHT TO DEAL WITH IT.

I need to hang in.

Regarding this struggle against lust, I feel like I'm back at the beginning.  JUST DON'T ACT OUT.  TAKE ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.  DON'T LIVE IN THE PROBLEM;LIVE IN THE SOLUTIONS.

I feel like I just had a huge fall, even though I'm still clean.  And, baruch Hashem I left a trail of posts all along the way.  How did I get this far before?  Now I'm starting the journey all over again, and I have left myself a map how to go.

I think this may take a while to get out of.  I'm taking on some really big issues that I've just been escaping from for years.

And...  I need all the encouragement I can get!!!

One who wants to turn aside from evil but sees that there is no truth in the world must act as if he is crazy.

Sefer HaMiddot, Emet #31

i think i want to use the above as a siggy, i think it answers your q in part too, when we start on the right path one need alot of encourgement and help because we feel we are going against all that is right, you start to feel that your whole yiddishket is getting lost in this battle,
the gemarah says "habah letaher mesyain oisoi veoimrin loi hamtein" if you come to clean yourself you get help and are told to WAIT!  this gemorah isnt well known, reb nachman explains that this nekudah is the base of teshuvah, wait, wait, you are taught that you have to wait to get to your thing, this unto itself is your teshuvah, reb nachman expounds on this, he says the main part teshuvah is being able to accept bizyoinois, shame, its so likwe are saying to hkbh i want to be close and he turns he's face away, this unto itself is our help that we need! please look this up in lekutei moharan 6

eye you keep so many of us strong, stick-to-itvness is your tm

sci1977 wrote on 30 Dec 2009 02:27:
Yow! Amen v'amen!!

Eye, please remember that we all care about you and want you to be happy!

Eye, KUTGW!!!  We are all here and will gladly do what we can to help you. 

Eye:

I have been thinking a lot about what you posted on your journal, and I think that you are certainly frustrated, but I want to let you know that I am here beside you.

Life isn't easy.  There are certainly struggles and many of them leave us wondering why and for what and so on.  Add the addiction to the mess of life and it gets even more complicated.

You are feeling things that we all feel as addicts!  The mind of a man is simple, at best, and it is natural to wonder what life would be outside of our own windows.  What would happen if we had a different home, family, job, etc.  However, you are on the right path to understand (even if in a limited way) that G-d has a very special purpose for our lives.  Our families and our jobs are our "tools" to continue our purpose.  Our paths are charted way before we are born.

There are many times in a yid's life where we are left to ask and ponder why life is so difficult, yet let us not forget our teachings and the men that have gone before us that have been tempted to live outside of the life that is meant for them.  They too felt pain and sacrifice but could not turn away from the voice of reason and right.  As painful as life can become, we must give our eyes and our lives to G-d.  We must wait for his voice and his hand to lead us.  Sin, temptation, anger, jealousy and lust can deafen that voice to a whisper, but when we face these sins we must listen even harder to hear the beauty of the voice that will guide us back to our purpose and our path.

Addictions are a problem.  They are a flaw.  But if we look at our lives as a whole, this is just one small piece of us.  It could be something that we could put in a pocket and ignore until it decides to tap us on the back again when we feel weak.  Yet, if we remind ourselves that we are flawed and that it is NOT our ability to fight this alone we will feel the hands of G-d all around us helping us to climb up, up, up every day.  Our eyes will be shielded to the destructive and we will be able to see the sun beyond the clouds.  We will see what real beauty is and we will not fear to walk towards it and be blessed by it.

When you feel yourself feeling anger towards your faults and your weaknesses remember the strengths that you have at that very moment.  You have your hands and your feet and your mind to will yourself to push forward.  You have your eyes to look to G-d and your mouth to say "I cannot do this alone."  You have a mass of friends here, as well, to scream "I am afraid," and they will help you ease your fears, as well. 

You are a beautiful soul and one that can win this battle!  You have been very special to me, personally, as you always take your time to lift me up and remind me of my ability, as well.

You can do this!  We can all do this!  I am praying for you and carrying your fears and challenges to G-d to hear and help you with whenever you feel the need.  Together we are stronger than ourselves alone.

Eyeball. we are here for you. Just some advice; Its great your taking on things youve never did before, but please make sure you you dont take on too much. baby steps my friend baby steps. Anything more than that is pure atzas hayetzer.

sci1977 wrote on 30 Dec 2009 18:26:
Sci did i ever tell you that i think your brilliant?! Wow what a grewat post. Another proof that you are the man!

imtrying25 wrote on 30 Dec 2009 18:28:


just look to the left here

sort of....we're all babies

Bye.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Hey, Eye - just hope you're doing OK, and know that we're all rooting for you!

I've been doing some more thinking.

Thanks IT and Sci for your responses.

And thankyou everyone who have shown your concern.

The dust has settled a bit.

It is probably the yeitzer trying to get me all worried about "BIG" issues.

I realized that I got to where I am because I have been trying to do the right thing, and trying to do my best.  I can't be THAT far off!!!

Maybe I need some adjustments.  But I shouldn't look to make a big sudden change.  Anyways, I don't think it's healthy to make sudden drastic changes.

I'm taking stock of what I have.  I'm looking to where I need to go.  And I'm looking for THE LITTLE STEPS that I can take right in front of me that will lead me in the right direction.

Perhaps I ought to be a bit more assertive.  So, I can be a little more assertive.  I can keep my eyes open a little wider for opportunities, and I can start davening for Hashem to show me these opportunities.

One thing that surfaced is, even more than this lust addiction, I really think I'm a computer addict.  I touched upon this a while ago, but let it drop.  Ever since I got this computer I've been spending far more time at "pseudo work" and wasting time than I have been doing real work.  I confessed this to one of my friends yesterday, and I've made a plan for recovery.

One thing is, I felt this need to keep up with the forum (my latest addiction--no joking).  And, as soon as I wrote a message, there could be new responses.  I'd check again and respond to them, and check again and have new responses.  This could go on for an hour or so.

So, now I am trying to update my thread, check the latest posts ONCE, and then leave it until tomorrow.  (Sorry if I seem to be less involved)

Also, this is another issue.  At first I approached this site very dry--just technical posts and requests for help.  NOW, there's a lot of joking around going on, and it's easy to get caught up with it.  I think it has an advantage in that this site feels more heimish--we feel like we're connecting more as people.  BUT, on the other hand, there are a lot of posts as it is to keep up with, and it takes up a lot more time. 

As great as GUE is, I think it's very easy to get carried away with.  I think this is also an issue that REALLY ought to be addressed on this forum.  I suspect that I'm not the only one suffering.

Drasha:  I have always been perplexed why SUR M'RA must preceed ASEI TOV.  Why doesn't a person build up the TOV to start with?  I think I finally realized a pshat that I'm satisfied with--usually the RA takes up all your time; until you stop doing it, you don't have time to do the TOV.

And, about feeling trapped:  This morning I had a talk with my wife about some work we're doing in the house.  I was flexible.  It reached a point where I was starting to get late, and I think the conversation reached a point where it was no longer productive. Instead of resigning myself to the situation, I politely remarked that It's getting late.  No resentments and no blaming.  Just a statement of the facts.  If my wife would have insisted that we weren't done, I would have been able to calmly stay.  BUT, I think we were done, and it was okay to get on with things.  So, this was a new realization.

I still feel too close for comfort to the "urge," despite my efforts to focus on the positive.  I feel like I have to preoccupy myself with life, and any instant the "urge" can comes back.  I'm trying not to do anything that might be a trigger, and I'm happy with that for now.  It will pass.
 

Eye.nonymous wrote on 31 Dec 2009 12:56:


I identify with you 100%. On one hand, I need the forum to connect with friends that lets me express myself and remove me from isolation. On the other hand, I spend most of my day on the forum. On the other hand, it's better to surf the whole day on the forum than surfing for p***. On the other hand, if I stop surfing at all it might force me to work or connect with people live.  ??? :

Good points, Eye - I think it probably would be a good idea for people to discuss it on the forum, so that everyone can figure out where the balance should be for them. For me, the suport I get is essential, even if i do spend a lot of time - worth it! But everyone needs to make their own calculation, based on what they need, what their issues are, etc.

And I'm glad that you're feeling good, and are moving in a direction that you feel will help you grow even more! And although I'll miss you if you're not around so much, I'll gladly trade that for your happiness. Well, maybe not gladly  :'(

Reb Eye - It sounds like you have crossed a bridge somewhere from being preoccupied with you and your problems, to doing whatever you can to be preoccupied with life. That is a rare gift for folks like us, considring where we came from.
I have found that I can be doing great, sane and all, you know, and then I invite a little twich of lust to sit on the couch in my head and before you know it, there is a whole comittee in there loudly discussing my friends wife, the virtues of worrying about my future and that of my kids, the jogger lady up the street, the poor shacharis I davened, or wondering what it would feel like to actively lust again.
Nu. I'm a screwball. But it's easier to remain in recovery some days just knowing that I'm not lost in a bucket of golfballs. Let's stick together while we get better, OK?

KUTGW and we will all be here for you.