Elyah,
I admire your honesty.
Personally, I have just been too afraid to look at women.  I just have this feeling that one such hit would quickly lead to another and I'd be back to square one in less time than I care to imagine.

It's still a daily struggle at times.  And like you said, sometimes it's much easier than others.  There's a fantasy I'd really like to entertain, too.  But I keep asking Hashem to take it away before it really lands and gets me going.

It was sooo hard to get sober.  That initial struggle was murder.  I just won't go back.  It's easier to maintain the daily struggle than to give in and start over.  And I'll have to take my word for it, because I'm just not going back.

True discipline is the ability to make the right decision now.  Today.  One day at a time.  One right decision at a time.

alex you are very practical and realistic, i like your attitude
please share with me what kept you away from the rosees

A daily struggle it is. I made it to 90 and yet I am fighting for every single day - for just today. I also can't go back, but it is easier said than done. This slipping makes me feel bad about myself and that feeling is a trigger.

Is this not the problem our ancestors face with the golden calf (you make to 90, to 365 and more and then you go and fall again - just like from mitzrayim to building that calf). So we need ensurance, Moshe fights for us and does Moshe not demand, that Hashem's presence is needed, since the presence of an angel is not enough. And further on Joshua wins as long as Moshe keeps his hands up... As long as we are praying, we are elevated, as long as Hashem is near, we are safe. It is when we stop, then it hits us.

Is it possible to pray all the time?

Shmeichel wrote on 13 Mar 2012 00:13:

    huh?


yehoshua wrote on 13 Mar 2012 10:39:

    Is there any other way?

I have been going through extremely stressful times lately.  I found a job possibility, but I'm in this strange financial situation where, once I start earnin a bit, I end up losing more than I gain.  So, I feel awfully stuck.

Also, I've been having a lot of technical difficulties with the marital intimacy department.  Mikveh night is on the horizion, and I'm not looking forward to it.

Those are two of the most prominent issues for me.  Every little thing has really been setting me off lately.

I nearly acted out yesterday; It started out when I was searching for work-related information.  There happened to be a very triggering picture, though I was not looking for it at all.  I got all worked up.  I tried searching for "innocent" searches after that, ones that might turn up something but that wouldn't be too direct.  One search, no luck (good luck).  Another search, same thing.  I was starting to get more direct.  CALL SOMEONE!  I didn't want to.  I just wanted to act out.  BUT THEN, someone called me!  Right then, someone from the group.  He had a logistics question for me, but then asked, "How are you doing?"  I told him, "Awful, I'm just about to act out."  He said, "Well, you're being honest about it; that means there's a part of you that wants to stay clean.  Do you need to use the computer right now?"  I answered, "No."  He said I should get out of the house, go for a walk, and call him from outside in a few minutes.  I did. 

Then I called more people.  I talked out the issues.  Then I went to a meeting that evening.  I stayed for a long time afterwards and talked things out with another fellow from the program.

That night I had a very open discussion with my wife about our predicament.  That was helpful.  I don't know if we have a solution yet, but we did get a lot of things out into the air.  It was a very positive discussion.

Also, regarding the job search, I was very up-front with this company.  I told them my considerations and my limitations.  In response, they have given me a lot more options.

So, I'm still sober.  Thank G-d.

------------------------------------------------------

Today I realized that I need to concentrate more on being grateful.  After a little bit of thought, I realized the greatest thing I have to be grateful for is that Hashem is helping me in my life; I can rely on Him.  I realized that when I have...

RESENTMENT, it is because I don't appreciate that Hashem gave me what I needed in the past.

FEAR, I'm afraid He won't give me what I need in the future.

LUST, I think, is because I feel that Hashem isn't providing what I need NOW.

So, this is an angle I haven't thought of before which helps to bring Hashem more into my life in a practical way.  I hope I can keep this in mind.

--Elyah

elyah, i like your straight-forward realistic practical way of summing up a situation
keep it up!

Elya, Baruch Hashem.

I have been having a lot of technical difficulties lately with my wife in the marital intimacy department.  But, I think I have had a few realizations lately that are helping.  To be blunt and to oversimplify--

I've been trying to have relations without having a relationship.

And, that doesn't work.  What I've heard recently, and what seems to make sense, is that when the relationship is good, the relations are just sort of a natural outcome.

Now, we're not fighting or anything (except for a few spells during the past week).  We generally get along and can discuss things openly.  But, what I've learned recently is that, if we discuss the kids, and discuss the house, and discuss the holidays etc--although we are mutually dealing with these things, IT DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO ENRICH OUR RELATIONSHIP.  Also, if I help with the kids or with the dishes, even if my wife might appreciate the help, these are my kids, too, and this is my house, too, and I am really just doing my part--this, too DOESN'T REALLY DO SO MUCH TO ENRICH OUR RELATIONSHIP. 

So, this is a new territory we need to discover; doing things specifically between US, about US, to bring US closer together.  We've got some work to do, but I think we're on the right track.

Also, we are having some strained relationships with our oldest son.  I suspect it is the same underlying symptom--although we get along, we aren't really specifically nurturing the relationship just between us.

This may be typical of addicts, part of the package of being out of touch with people.  Even when we are "getting along," we still neglect the deeper aspects of the human relationship.

Have a good Shabbos,

Elyah

Elyah,
We all have plenty of business to discuss and take care of with our wives.  Often this becomes the whole relationship.  I believe it is an important part of the relationship.  We got married to raise a family and run a household together.

But sometimes the "we" gets lost along the way.  It takes constant effort to keep the fun, connecting, loving part of the relationship going.  A weekly date night is a great start (see Date Ideas With the Wife thread in the married section.  Making time to connect each day is also important.  And if you can, an occasional getaway for a couple of nights is a great way to reinforce what you're doing on a day to day basis.

I had a realization not too long ago, but I don't remember the exact detail.  At any rate, I had the opportunity to put it into practice again yesterday.

My wife and I were in the middle of Pesach cleaning.  Yesterday was the big day we were planning to switch over the kitchen.  Also, we need some certain medications for one of our children; it was very urgent as we were down to our last few pills, and didn't know where to get any more from (complicated story).  Someone called and could bring them to Jerusalem (which is a big schlep for us).  So, the only responsible thing to do was to go and get them.

My wife went to get them, and I remained home to do the rest of the Pesach cleaning (and to watch all the kids, too).  Intellectually, I knew it was the right thing to do and I had entirely agreed.  But, as soon as my wife left, I was starting to get very angry and frustrated.  I wanted to run away and act out (indeed, I actually started along that slippery slope very briefly).  I didn't understand, because I knew we were doing what we had to do, and I was 100% willing to help.

The truth is, despite my good intentions and intellectual acceptance of the situation, I really was angry and frustrated and resentful and feeling overwhelmed.  I was in denial about my feelings (or, perhaps just lacking awareness of them).  As soon as I realized this, I got on the phone to some friends from the program, admitted my feelings, and after that I was able to handle the rest of the evening calmly, and even happily.

--Elyah

I have noticed something strange.  The realization was most noticable for me regarding the pesach cleaning, but then I realized it is also a pattern I have in recovery, and in all of life.

I have had one day when I make a huge effort and get a lot done.  Then, the next day I pass out, get so overwhelmed, and don't do anything.  Or, in a morning I might get a lot done, but then later that day I totally waste time.

I'm on a pendulum, swinging from doing everything to doing nothing, with no inbetween.  It is very frustrating, for one because I do so much and knock myself out when I am doing anything, and for another reason because on those days (or times) when I'm out-of-service, I feel so bad for not having done anything even though in the same amount of time before, I did so much.

I think it's an unhealthy cycle.  I need to work on balance, regular and steady progress, with rest-stops along the way.

In recovery, I have the same pattern--sometimes doing so much and being so involved, and at other times barely doing anything at all for the sake of recovery.

--Elyah

Had an extrememly exhausting day on Thursday.  Actually had a simcha to go to in the morning, and then another major simcha to go to in the afternoon which involved a lot of schlepping with my wife and children, and it meant getting back home really late on the night of bedikas chometz.  I kept alternating between feeling good that we were doing the right thing--being able to be so flexible and accomodating (these were fairly close relatives, our presence was really appreciated, and there really was no way we could get out of it with a clear conscience), and between feeling annoyed and angry at them for planning a simcha at such an inconvenient time.  And then, it was not at all as well organized (or as fancy) as we had expected, which was also disappointing.

I tried to call people from the program along the way.  I think I didn't do this early enough (or often enough).  But, I did do it.

My wife and I, in the end, just did the absolute simplest bedikas chometz we could do--it still took some time, but not as much as usual (we also did a lot in advance because of this simcha).

Friday morning I needed to take some time (an hour) to write out all my resentments about this major simcha.  After that, I felt that I pretty much put the negativity behind me, and I was able to function after that, too.

I was also afraid that all this running around was going to mess up my whole family for the Seder.  I was afraid we'd all be too exhausted (especially the kids, who are all still fairly young) to make it through.  In the end, we managed to get some rest, and the seder actually went very nicely.

--Elyah

Today I am clean for 10 months, 1 day at a time, thank G-d.

--Elyah

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