guardureyes wrote on 14 Nov 2009 22:05:


I know.  I was wondering that myself, and I  am trying to write as pareve as I can.

But, I think something a little more specific than, "my marriage has really improved," could be really helpful for married people.

Maybe there should be a special section in the forum for married people?

Eye.nonymous wrote on 15 Nov 2009 12:52:


I agree.

It could be very beneficial for the married men to share whats working, why and how.
I cant speak for bochrim, but can defnitely imagine it being problematic.
I think its time for a closed thread for married men only - even if it means that Im locked out too!
(and no, for me its no problem!)

im all for a closed section as i believe its that at least for me its the main trigger, may sound weird but true.

Whatever. I consider it my own business to stay off threads that I find triggerring or think I may find triggerring in the future. My sobriety is "mukzta machmas chisoron kis" - too precious to risk.
Anyhow, regarding what the guy with the Eyeballs wrote above, when my wife and I started communicating more directly and clearly about this stuff, things really started getting better. Pressures and resentments were reduced significantly, and we were and are both happier, b"H. And it took a few bouts of this "pain, then calm, then more pain and finally communication" thing, till things really got much, much better.
However, without at least some sobriety and sanity, it is really difficult for any relatively sane wife to communicate at all with a wakced-out, entitlement-ridden and self-sorrying husband, especially if he doesn't even know if he can trust himself yet, at all! She's gotta know that you are really there for her. Taking actions of love over a year or so may be needed in order to make any progress here, first.
"A YEAR OR TWO??!!" ...yeah, i know, it's a long time, but things start to get better quickly, and guess what? IT'S WORTH IT!!
So, first things first, I say....
Lot's of sechel, patience and especially love, is needed, no matter how you slice it.

I decided to remove those couple of messages.

I'll just say that we're more like overaters Anon. than like AA.

I imagine that Over Eaters spend a lot of time discussing how they stopped eating too much, but probably they need to spend a lot of time talking about a healthy way to relate to food.  You can't NOT eat.  And, every time they eat, they're up against their addiction not to overeat.

Here, too.  Our topic is part of life and cannot be avoided, though not everyone here is at that stage in life yet (b'shah Tova).

Besides not doing inappropriate behaviors, we need an appropriate way to approach this behavior when it is appropriate.

The problem is, some of us could really benefit from discussing this part of life, but it's a potential trigger for people who aren't married yet.

To be personal, without being too detailed:

Now, THAT SINKING FEELING, I have found, likes to sabotage things.  When this area of marriage doesn't go well, THAT VOICE comes along and tries to convince me that there's a serious problem going on.  It will never be resolved.

BUT IT'S A WHOLE DIALOGUE TO MYSELF IN MY HEAD!

I have recently found that if I put (the imagined) resentments aside and just try to have an open and friendly conversation with my wife on the topic, I'm usually surprised that she is thinking the opposite of what I assumed.

In the past we've had very bitter discussions about our expectations.  But, I think this was basically because I was blaming.  I was on the attack.

Now, our talks have been very positive.

----------------------

Was this parve enough?  Was it too parve?

Did I use enough vague jargon that I might find employment as a lawyer?

Vaad Hatznius approved.
:D :D :D

That's funny. And I thought it was just a man wearing an invisibility Burka.

I just updated my chart.  I forgot, I think I'm on day 18 now.

More about this "sinking feeling."  I've had some new insights about it.

The whole awareness of this feeling in the first place, I think, came from pondering what it means, "live in the solution and not in the problem."  Negativity is the problem.  Negative activities, and negative thinking.  Positive activities and positive thinking is the solution.

My first major insight about this was to catch the bad thoughts as soon as they popped up.  Otherwise, they would drag me down--maybe for a couple of days and maybe for a couple of weeks--until I eventually acted out.

Recently I realized a new level.  Instead of waiting for the bad thoughts and then deflecting them, in neutral times I can pull out some positive thoughts to reflect on.  Something good that makes life worthwhile.

Preventative medicine!

On friday afternoon I took a shower, after a frustrating morning.  This has been a challenge to me in the past not to act out.  Beforehand I thought, "I need to think of something positive--life is great!"

This felt much more effective than resolving "I'm not going to act out now!  Even just for the next fifteen minutes."

It's positive.  This strategy seems a lot easier to keep up.

Great post eyeballs. This is something ive started to realize myself and have been trying to implament into my daily life. Think positive. Think about other things. Not just the whole day dont fall dont fall. I read once in a letter that R Shlomo Wolbe Zatzal wrote to a bocher who was suffering from these problems that the best way to deal with them is not to think about it at all.

Yup, and that's why none of the 11 other steps after the first one mention alcohol (lust) at all!

Hi 'I',

Hope your day got easier as it progressed.

You're on the right derech, keep those eyes on the compass!

I posted another thread that I had a close call today.

Thanks to everyone's support, I'm doing much better now.

Baruch Hashem, I didn't fall.

BTW, around succos time I wrote about a run-in I had with a kid in a park (anger-related.  not lust related); I was almost arrested.

I've thought a lot about it, and I think it really was an isolated incident.  My action was really out of character, and the kid's reaction was also rather extreme.

Nevertheless, I grew tremendously from the encounter and I don't think it will ever happen again.

I found out who this kid was, and it turns out he lives on the other end of my street.  I was thinking about the Big Book, how you have to make reconciliations for your wrongdoings no matter what the cost (almost).  And no matter what the other person's role was.  I dropped in at this kid's house and apologized for my behavior.

I feel a tremendous weight lifted off of me.  Until now I was feeling paranoid walking down the street--am I going to meet this kid.  Do I want to see him; should I say anything to him; should I avoid him?

It's all gone now.

Also, I was trying to judge the kid favorably.  I figured it was reasonable for a kid to call the police if an adult was rough with him in the park.  Though, I didn't buy this completely because I don't think this kid was one bit afraid of me.

I thought maybe he had a moment of regret since then.  But I doubted this too.

Finally, though, he was gracious about accepting my apology.  That's a madreiga, too.  Not everyone can do that.  So, I think that's enough for now.

Wow Kol Hakavod eyeballs! The Rambam writes that Hane'eluvin Ve'aynum Olvin is from the highest madreigos. Going over to someone who is younger than you and the fact that you werent even sure if he would be mochel you definitly puts you in this special class!!! What can i say youve got the Rambams stamp of approval. Keep on rocking Eyeballs!!!!1

EN

you get the keep on trucking award for today!!yay

WHER ARE MY CAPS??

GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Eye; the "I" in you is growing each day!

Kol Hakavod, what you did toool real courage.