Take it easy Reb Eye!

dov wrote on 18 Feb 2011 17:19:

I was starting to think the same thing.

I'm not doing so well.  I've been stressing out all week, and besides this I've had some sort of cold or something.  Probably related.

I've been slipping all along.  Last night I finally tried to call someone.  But, I think I should have tried quite a few days ago.

This morning I fell.

So, back to day 1.  Back to step 1.

God help me. 

I wasn't sure if I ought to tell my wife, but I did.  I told her that I'm not doing so well with the 90 day thing.  She said, "I know.  It was obvious."

Scary.

--Eye.

I realize now that, before my recent fall, the RID had actually been building up for a couple of weeks.  I was getting overall too uptight about life without any room to breath.

I realize that the 12-steps aren't supposed to be emergency care.  "Help!  I'm about to fall!" 

What I was missing was, to make sure I was constanly working on my relationship with other fellows in the group, opening up to them, and also working on my relationship with G-d.

I need to check in with myself daily (and probably a number of times throughout the day).  Am I growing, or stagnating, or starting to fall?

--Eye.

Eye!

Sounds like you're still your good old self
and are really trying to work things out here.
All to grow further and further.
A true inspiration.
Hope to speak soon,
and I am available to talk,
been meaning to call you for a while now,
hope to speak soon.

sometimes Hashem brings us to fall coz He wants our relationship, if we try to keep that up on a consistant basis, then we wont need to fall - keep on trucking EYE, u teach us so much and we really appreciate you for it!

an honest mouse wrote on 07 Mar 2011 13:58:

EYE I'm pretty new here but I must say I have been reading through ur log a bit and I can tell that u are a fighter. Every time u fall u get back up. And do u know why u get back up? Bec u realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that success is within ur grasp if u put forth yourself completely. All u have to do is put on the right binoculars and toward the light, bec deep down we u know that if ur not truckin toward the light ur truckin the wrong way!!! So get up stop crying and telling urself u can't and its to hard. Its a new day! Make something of ur self.! bec deep down u know u have what it takes to succeed!

Thanks for the chizzuk.

--Eye.

Last week I had a few days when I was really thrown off schedule.  I handled it pretty well.

BUT, I realized something about myself--even when I handle life's challenges gracefully, afterwards I have a tendency to look back and start feeling bad about not having accomplished what I would usually accomplish.

SO, last week I think my recover stepped up a notch.  I made a few calls to some GYE and DC fellows, "I'm feeling fine now, but I know I will feel badly afterwards, and I wanted to share that."  Basically, that's how I started.  The calls really helped to avoid the impending negative feelings.

On another note, a big part of the program is about changing our perspective.

Today I was helping my baby fall asleep.  He was crying, very determined to resist.  Then, I showed him his face in the mirror.  Instant smiles.

So, if a baby can change his emotions that quick, then really anyone ought to be able to.

--Eye.

Today I came across a book on how to write, and it started off with a chapter about a writing exercise about writing your raw thoughts, trying not to process them; usually when we start to think what to write and how to write it, we filter our thoughts a half-dozen times before putting it on paper.

I was reading this in a waiting room, and there were some ladies in the office that I was struggling not to look at.

I said to myself, "I've been thinking of this as a struggle whether to look or not to look.  BUT, hey, I'm probably filtering these thoughts.  WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON!"

A surge of lust shot through me; I couldn't believe it.  Well I could, but I was still surprised.  This really powerful feeling came to the surface, a feeling like I want to pounce on this woman (to leave out all the triggering details).

So, I've been trying to surrender this desire to look at women to Hashem, and I haven't felt it was making any difference.  Why?  It's like disarming, turning over a pop-gun, and holding on to the nuclear weapons.

THIS is what I need to surrender to Hashem.  This deep feeling that I want to pounce on every woman.

Now, I have had this realization before--that really there's more to it than just wanting to look at women.  But, until now it has all been very logical.  THIS was the first time I REALLY FELT IT.

For the first time I really felt there's not this little habit which, given years to develop, will lead to something I'll regret.  NO, I feel this REALLY POWERFUL AND DANGEROUS surge of lust within me.  THIS is something I need to get rid of.  This is something, NOW, that is very dangerous.

I tried to surrender THIS to Hashem.  I felt it made a difference.

I feel like I've uncovered a new layer of truth to myself.  I feel like I've tapped into my emotions yet a layer deeper.

And, in DC's group, we discuss changing our perspective to overcome RID.  Instead of seeing the world through selfrish lenses, trying to view the world through a selfless perspective.  I see now it's not supposed to be mental gymnastics.  We're supposed to take these powerful emotions that are TRULY driving us to lust, this selfishness, and pour it all into trying to help others instead.

--Eye.

Isn't it amazing that every now and then a deeper layer within us finds its way to the surface.
Just when we thing we've got the hang of it, there's something new to deal with.
Isn't it great that we don't have to deal with everything at once?


Well, you've been helping me, many thanks.
Keep up the good work.

ToAdd

hi Eye,
how are you doing?

hey Eye. checking in. hope all is well.