Something struck me about this week's parsha, something I saw in a new light this year.

Pharaoh, over and over again, refuses to let the Yidden go.  Plague after plague, he still refuses.  Now, I'd like to think, if I were Pharaoh, I'd be smart enough to give up after no more than 2 or 3 plagues.

But, he keeps on doing it!  Sort of like us, who keep on going to our addiction, even though we keep getting hurt by it.

WHY does Pharoah persist in this seeming stupidity (Just want to mention, G-d, of course, doesn't put stupid people in the Torah). 

I once heard an answer like this--Moshe kept going to Pharaoh, "Let my people go"  Pharoah says, "Wait!  I have some power more than Hashem!  He NEEDS my permission to let his people go!"

He believed he had power.  He believed he was in control!  So, he couldn't SURRENDER.

Thought that fit in with our addiction very nicely.

beautiful!

Even at the risk of loosing everything Pharao remains confident, then he looses his son. How great Avraham was. Unlike Pharao he was willing to sacrifice his son, knowing he truly has no control. A true King indeed.

Good to be in the company of true Kings!

LITTLE INTRO, CRASH COURSE, reminder--This addiction is only a symptom.  We use it to relieve our pain.  Our pain comes from restlessness, iritibality, and discontent in life.  Why do we have this RID?  Because of our Ego.  We can't accept when things don't go our way.

Now, for a few insights I have had about this recently:

A few nights ago I had to go pick up something.  I left the house and went down the stairs.  Then, my wife was calling to me from the window (we live on the top floor of a 4-story building).  I HATE yelling back and forth from the street to the window.  I wanted to just go and pick up what I had to get.  So, I RUSHED up the stairs, ready to yell at my wife for trying to talk to me out the window, which I hate so much.  On the way up the stairs (4 flights, I had some time to think) I sensed, "I'M ON AN EGO TRIP!"  I realized the absurdity of it.  My wife knows I don't like yelling back and forth, so if she did it IT MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT.  I was going to pick something up, and she just found out THE PERSON WASN'T THERE.  I would have run all around just for nothing.

I spent a bit of time at the computer working on something related to recovery.  I went overboard, and used up some time that I should have been working.  I NOTICED, I DIDN'T REALLY MIND; I HAD CHOSEN TO USE MY TIME DIFFERENTLY.

Now, later on, I was working at the computer, and my wife needed to interrupt me for a few minutes, only a few minutes.  I was starting to boil.  EGO ALERT!  I stepped back and realized, I cut off much more time from my work, and it didn't bother me.  My wife only needs a minute of my time, and I'm getting furious!

SO, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IF I'M ON SCHEDULE OR NOT, OR IF I'M ACCOMPLISHING OR NOT.  Just, if I'm doing what I want, I'm fine.  If I need to do what SOMEONE ELSE wants instead, I get angry.  JUST ANOTHER EGO TRIP!

So, I was able to put the EGO aside, and not get angry with my wife.

Last night I forgot my umbrella at Shul.  My son agreed to go on his bicycle and get it, which was a big help.  Until this morning I noticed--my umbrella got all mangled!  Apparently, he had some difficulty carrying the umbrella on his bike.  My first reaction was ANGER.  Should I penalize him or chastise him in some way?  It took me a while (until mid shmone-esrei), but then I realized, first of all, he was trying to do me a favor.  Secondly, it's all EGO.  It was a pretty dedent umbrella, and I don't really want to go out and buy another one.  But, in the course of a month or two, I might spend the same money getting myself coffee or some other things.  FOR ME, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.  IF IT'S SOMETHING I DON'T WANT, SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE, I'M ANGRY!  EGO TRIP EGO TRIP!  Is it worth a few bucks to go ahead and yell at my kid?  The same few bucks I would freely spend on coffee or something?

No.

Also, yesterday I went to kollel in the afternoon.  Some other fellows were sitting where I usually sit.  Shouldn't they know that?  I was about ready to march up to them and ask them to move.  Then, I realized EGO EGO EGO!  I can move one row back.  Big deal!

So, I've been noticing the subtle effects of EGO in my life, more and more.  And, baruch Hashem, I've had the siyata dishmaya to put it aside.

--Eye.
 

I guess your "Ego" went to "_ego".  :D and your Neshama from "bright" to BRIGHT. 

WOW EGO.nonymous

Thanks for those honest posts.

Shavua Tov.

Thanks for the responses.

--Eye.

Eye!

Great stuff!

-S

Quick update:

Last night I suspect my filter was deactivated, and I had an itch to search for stuff I shouldn't be looking at.  It turned out, my filter was working fine.

Now, I could have just said "Baruch Hashem, I'm safe!"

Instead, I said to myself, "Even though I didn't act out, and I'm not going to act out that wasn't a good sign.  Something's up and I should reach out to someone anyways."  So, I called someone.

--Eye.

gevaldig!

your honesty, self-awareness and growth are really impressive

I've been having some major ups and downs.

It started in the middle of last week, I was feeling lots of RID.  I decided, probably for the first time ever, to deal with it precisely as the 12-step program says.  I wrote everything down, following the instructions, though tedious as I thought it might be.  No shortcuts.  No innovations.  Some obvious patterns emerged, and I found a few surprises, too.  That was maybe Tuesday morning.  My realizations kept me in the right mindset to handle a few more challenges that came up throught the day.

Then, the next day, I was full of RID again.  I went back to the writing, and realized I missed a few big things.  Getting them out helped.

Then, one major thing that has got me confused is how to relate to intimacy in marriage.  Is it really optional?  What about other life circumstances, like sick kids, lack of sleep, that take a toll on marital intimacy?  Is something wrong if it doesn't work out often?

After I got this clear, I did something strange.  I actually just brought up the topic with my wife.  What are her actual expectations.

I got machine gunned.  Her expectations of me have more to do with life in general, and the way it sounded, I'm hardly doing anything right.  Strange, expecially when I start to think I'm improving, becoming more thoughtful, more helpful, more considerate.  I've missed the boat.  And, I know that we're supposed to view s*x as optional, but what if it seems like it's almost not on the agenda.  I'm really confused, scared.

So, that's where I'm holding now.  Confused.  Feeling like my wife would rather be married to a housecleaner than to a husband.  Feeling confused, hopeless, despair, and also resentful.  Slipping, trying to surrender.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

--Eye.

Maybye try to surrender the whole ME for a day or two.

was your wives criticism her honest assessment or was it just an outburst

Eye I can really relate to this especially the sex not being on the agenda. I don't think you need to get scared. Woman and men think differently. When your talking about expectations woman don't put sex in that category. They just think differently from men especially addicted men. I have no doubt that if I had that conversation with my wife sex would not make it to the list even if we ended up having sex later that night. Hang in there.