Briut wrote on 16 Dec 2010 12:55:

Nicely said.

Thanks Zemiros, ur-a-jew, and honest mouse for your responses, too.

I'm feeling somewhat better now, at the end of the day.  Getting out of the house got me much farther away from maybe acting out.  Had a nice little chat with my wife this afternoon, too, in the middle of everything.  Also trying to appreciate what's going RIGHT--that was actually my first thought after I got out of the house.  It was a nice warm and sunny day.

Trying to just accept life as it is, and trying to be able to put my plans aside when G-d seems to have different plans.

Not easy.  I did a little yelling this afternoon at the kids, but only a word or two, and I calmed down for lunch, and then took a nap.

--Eye.

I fell.

I was sitting in front of my computer, after having tried to do some work, feeling rather depressed, and I typed in some key words.  It was a blatant search, and I completely expected my filter to catch it.  To my surprise, it didn't.  I kept on searching for a while, probably about ten minutes.

I wanted to believe this was merely a "slip."  But, I think that would be dishonest.  It was a fall.

This morning I told my wife "I had a slip, can you help me adjust the filter settings."

She said, "I knew."

A while ago I had taken "search" and "google" off my key words, as I was doing lots of work related searches.  I left it this way.  But, now I just put these words back on my forbidden key word lists.

Also, I blocked off internet access at night time.  I had done this before, but it was set to really late because of the difference in daylight savings times between Israel and the US.  Somehow this messed things up.  I just set it to block internet from 11:30pm.

I really ought to post in my thread a little more regularly.  I think this would help keep a feeling of accountability more fresh in my mind.  I have been trying to contribute to other posts, but it's not quite the same for feeling accountable.

I was somewhere past day 200, I think.  My previous streak was 211 days.

I might get some sort of reward as the first one to make it to 90 days 3 times.  Not that we should really have such contests, though.

Today, Dec 20, 2010, is day 1.

--Eye.



 

Eye.nonymous wrote on 20 Dec 2010 07:36:
I feel for your fall, and I admire your standing up so well afterwards. But your line that the wife knows, always knows, knows even when we don't... well, it's priceless. Worth all of us married guys remembering. Probably us single guys, too. Thanks for that little insight into the middle of your life. And may this next round break all records. Shkoiach for the resilience, the honesty, the strength, etc. KOT

Eye, i feel for you. i am very impressed by your honesty and that you stay in the fight. more power to you.

and the fact that your wife can sense it is very sobering. wow

much continued hatzlacha
zs

ps. how are your daughters doing?

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 20 Dec 2010 19:59:

It wasn't easy.

(ps, keep davening.)

Eye, sorry to hear about your fall, but appreciate your honesty.  Have you tried webchaver.  Knowing that someone can see your searches (even if they ultimately get blocked by a filter) may be a helpful deterrent in preventing the search in the first place.  Moreover, I find that the ego boost everytime you get a "looks good" report card makes the nominal cost even more worth it.  (Kind of like a kid getting a good report card.  Only here you get them every week).  Hang in there and don't lose site of the impressive cumulative result. Sounds like close to at least 2 years.  Continued Hatzlacha.

I don't know exactly what to post.  :-\

So I will just post that I am here, with you, posting in your thread.  :

Eye. You are mamish from the gedolim of this site and a great inspiration.

A couple of things really scared me about my recent fall.
1.  I put up absolutely no resistence (the thought entered my head "You're about to check out p*rn, you should leave the computer.  I didn't even try").
2.  I enjoyed it.  I was a bit scared at the lack of guilt and remorse afterwards.

So, I think I have overlooked a few basics.  No matter how many clean days I have accumulated, no matter how distant I seem to be from lust because I am trying to deal instead with those life issues that lead to lust, trying to cut it off at the source, I CAN FALL PREY TO A LUST ATTACK ANY DAY.  I have to start off the day, "I could have a lust attack today; I need Hashem's help today."

Also, I was reading in the SA White book, and something really struck a chord with me.  It was talking about how, after escaping one attack, another one may come in just minutes, or hours, or weeks, or maybe longer.  But, I forget, it is inevitable that another lust attack is on the way, some time, and I have to be able to surrender.

And, we have to be able to surrender every bit of our lust to Hashem.

I was focusing on those big tests, with m*sturbation and p*rn.  Now, I'm starting to see that I haven't entirely surrendered.  I hold on to shreds of lust--the women in the street, the thoughts in my head, fantasies.  Albiet the thoughts and fantasies are less frequent and less gripping than in the past, but yet I still entertain them.

The SA book says we hafe to be willing to surrender our lust, even though it feels like we will die.

So, I've been trying to internalize this.  It really feels so painful to give up all those little looks along the street.  And to give away these little fantasies.  Not to linger in my mind on an image or two I once viewed.  I never before realized how strongly attached I am to all these little instances of lust.  I only started realiing this yesterday, but I am surprised.  Almost every time I say, "I want to surrender this to Hashem, even though it feels like I might die without it," I truly do feel like I might die.  Even though it's just a little glance at some tzniusly dressed girl.  Tears have even come into my eyes.  I don't understand it and I hardly believe it.

I am vulnerable to a lust attack any minute, and, I don't think I can consider these little things as little anymore.  As beyond my reach.  I have to surrender this lust, entirely, to Hashem.  And, I need His help to do it.

PS-I would also add a word of caution--us addicts are not the only ones trying to bypass our filters.  The p*rn industry is trying, probably harder than we are.  I was surprised because I haven't searched the internet in quite a while.  I think my slip really began a week ago.  I was searching for something completely innocent for my son.  It was a search with "for children" in the key word!  Yet, those pictures in the margins were filled with p*rn!  Likewise, my recent search met with far more success than I think it would have so much as six months ago. 

--Eye.

Eye, You truly inspire. Our struggle is hard, but not impossible. You won being here, You came through again, stronger than before. Much more good can Your knowledge bringe now.

Listen to the wind and look at the dark sky. The whole world seems to be dark, getting even darker as the nights are growing longer, we have even full moon. If oceans are affected by the moon,  how not the fragile human. The whole world is crazy, people do crazy sh*t. We have so much reason to be angry, to be afraid and in view of the worlds situation even become content, that we are somehow different.

But we are not, we are just people. Affected like the ocean, we rise and we fall. May your fall bring you even closer to Your wife and to Hashem.

You helped me out when I was on the edge of life and death. You have my number, I am just a beginner, but I will try to help You. You helped me that day, that was a scary day for me, but You gave me hope, that is why I know, you can rise again with an honest smile.

I think the pain and the feeling of being content are good, even though they are very difficult and dangerous, but I think we should wellcome it.  I think we feel that way, because we are so fragile. And just because we are sensitive, fragile humans, we will have also a chance to smile. And it can happen in one minute, one hour or even every hour. We push ourselves even harder, because there is mitzvah there to do.

For our wives! I will feel any pain, just to feel her smile.

That was beautifull yehoshua

Eye, you are doing great.

you fell? yes. but you pick yourself up and keep on climbing up. that is the spirit.
we are all better off for having you here...

Strange, I didn't feel remorse so much for looking at the indecent pictures.

BUT, what I DID feel remorse for is that, I started to feel like I was slipping into a dark underworld of a secret life, a double existence.  That compelled me more than anything to come clean with the forum, and especially with my wife.

--Eye.

On Erev Shabbos maybe a half hour before I left for Mincha my heart suddenly sank.  I don't know why; we were pretty much on schedule with all our preperations.  I felt really down.  I was starting to wonder what to do about this feeling.  I need to rest a few minutes?  I need some quiet?

Then, I had a funny realization.  The BEST thing for me to snap out of this crummy mood would be, after davening, TO HEAD HOME, SIT RIGHT DOWN, BE ATTENTIVE AND PATIENT AND HELPFUL TO MY WIFE AND CHILDREN, SING SOME ZEMIROS.  In short, just face reality.  And that's what I did and it was great.

--Eye.

Hello Eye!