BUSY BUSY BUSY BUSY

Besides Chanukah, one of our kids started hallucinating.  She was on medication in order to handle the stresses of the artificial environment called "school."

So, we've been totally swallowed up by this and, our daughter is off the medication and at home ALL THE TIME now.

Nobody has any real idea what the cause is, and how to treat this.  We've been doing tests like crazy, and there's still more and more and more tests to do.

It started about 3 weeks ago, and there's no clear ending in sight.

I did have a major slip from all this a couple days ago.  But besides that, I think I've been managing fairly well.

Our older boy was told to go collect olives for some school project related to chanukah.  We made a big family trip out of it and went picking olives off all the local trees (felt a little weird, but making memories to last a lifetime).  We even got back a bit late for lighting, but I didn't have a kenipshin over it.  Stayed pretty calm.

Well, have a good Shabbos everyone.

--Eye.

I wish you a refuah shleimoh, a hang in there, a kutgw and a gevaldige shabbos!

Eye.nonymous wrote on 10 Dec 2010 11:09:
Beautiful. Our "weird" = kids' "lifetime." Beautiful.

wow, Eye, that sounds real tough.
refuah shleimah.
will keep her in mind at davening

all the best
zs

I Just know I had something really profound to say.  Even two or three ideas.  But, I went to work first instead of writing on the forum.  It's a couple of hours later now.  In the mean time, I forgot what I was going to write.

Oh well.

Though I'd check in, anyways and say hello.

JUST REMEMBERED (hope I live up to being "profound" after all that):

Some people are intimidated by the 12 steps.  "Hey, do I have to do that my whole life?"
But then I thought, chazal say there are 3 things that need constant chizzuk, Torah, Chessed, and I think the third one is Tefillah, and I think there's a fourth one, but I forget it.  But that's not the point.

These are things that, in essence, go against our nature.  We've got a yeitzer hara, we don't want to do chessed naturally.  The Torah is like "a bird that will fly away if you loosen your grip for a moment."  Tefillah, well, it's hard to keep in mind you're talking to a Being that you can't see or hear, not in the conventional sense.

So, they go against our nature.  So, we need constant chizzuk, constant work, and constant reminders, not to let these things slide.  And, it's so easy to let these things slide.

NOW,we've been addicted to p*rn etc for how many years?  How deeply involved were we in it?  How many hours and days and weeks and years did we spend obsessing about our next lust hit?  It became a deep part of our psyche.  It became part of our nature.  For recovery, we need to go against this.  We'll need constant and persistent work, chizzuk, and reminders.

So, it really makes a lot of sense that we're going to need constant work to keep ourselves from falling.

MORE IN THE NEXT MESSAGE BE"H...





--Eye.

...I hate how when you get past the bottom of the message and you keep on typing, the screen keeps bouncing.  Has anyone found a solution to that (besided writing in a text doc. and cutting and pasting)?

Well, back to another idea...

This is something I've heard alot--we can often try to do teshuva for some aveira, and we can do teshuva till we turn blue or yellow, but if we're attacking a BRANCH of the aveira, and not the SOURCE of the aveira, we'll always keep slipping and falling.

So, why--often--doesn't it work for us to just try and stay clean?  Our problem is acting out, so we ought to just be able to remind ourselves not to act out.  Good enough, no?  But it doesn't work.

Because acting out is merely a branch.  Or, better yet, a symptom of our real problem.

What underlies the acting out?  Selfishness, self-centeredness.  We want everything in the world to go OUR way, and when it doesn't we crawl away into some hiding spot and do whatever we do as a pacifyer, to relieve our pain and frustration.

But, if we could learn to accept live the way Hashem has intended, we won't need to run and hide.  And, more and more, we can even start to enjoy life.

THANKYOU FOR BEARING WITH THAT LITTLE MEMORY RELAPSE.

--Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 13 Dec 2010 20:59:


Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 24 Feb 2010 20:01:


imtrying25 wrote on 24 Feb 2010 21:37:


.... & neither have I. Thank you Imtrying25!!!

Eye.nonymous wrote on 13 Dec 2010 20:52:


4 things need chizuk (With all his strength, constantly (Rashi))

• Torah


• Tefillah


• Gemilas Chasadim


• Derech Eretz

Aren't the 12 Step integral to Derech Eretz, at least?

Derech Eretz doesn't necessarily mean 'respect'. Its literal translation would imply that it includes everything that make him more 'habitable', that others can more easily live alongside him peacefully. The 12 Step Program definitely enhances that!

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 14 Dec 2010 00:08:

1.  Tephillah.  A big part of the 12 steps is learning to turn towards Hashem, building a working relationship with Him.
2.  Torah.  Rav Twersky has said, "all the 12 steps are Torah ideas, and I don't know why Hashem put it all in the mind of a non-Jew."
3.  Gemilus Chasadim.  A big part of our addiction is that we've become self-absorbed.  A big part of recovery is learing to get our of our heads and being of service to others.

--Eye.

Hit one of these dark moments again.

With lots of medical problems with the kids, feeling useless and hopeless.  I feel incapable of having any sort of normal work or learning schedule.  Starting to feel sick myself, too.  Tired.  Hungry.  But I don't feel like eating.  I do feel like sleeping.

Then, with all that, I tried to get myself back into action.  Crawled out of bed and learned with my son a bit.

Then, things got even worse.  Our 3-yr old daughter is doing a certain reflux test because we're trying to find out why she doesn't eat food yet.  This involves half a day of a trip to the hospital for them to hook her up to a machine (she's got a tube stuck in her nose and down her throat), and then another half day to recover from the trip.  We made it this far (it was a several month waiting list to do this procedure), and the light at the end of the tunnel was starting to come into sight.  I even did some schtick beforehand that our daughter would look forward to having a tube in her nose.  She was really great about the whole thing all day long.

In her sleep, however, our daughter knocked the tube out of her nose.  So now we have to start all over again, including an extra trip to the hospital, and yet anoher day swallowed up by medical mysteries.

--Eye.

I feel like I am on the verge of a fall. I've slipped majorly.  I do have this feeling like, "this is not really going to help anything."

I need a break from all this stress.  I need a moment to just relax and enjoy life.  At the same time, I feel my goals and aspirations, even if they are modest ones, miserably collapsing.

I'm home alone right now, which is rare, and is also dangerous.  I'm trying to make it through the next 10, 20, or 30 minutes to get on with my morning, get out of the house, and get on with my day.

Also, I was struck by something I read in someone else's thread, I think it was David/Rage.  "If you're getting along with your wife, having wonderful conversations, helping each other, and understanding each other, but you're not having s*x, then something is seriously wrong with your marriage."

I don't know to what extent to take this.  But, s*x is definitely a low priority item right now given this neverending chain of crisis after crisis.  The truth is, I don't really feel interested in it so much either.  But, this doesn't seem quite right, and it's starting to bother me.

Any chizzuk, and especially suggestions how to deal with life, would be greatly appreciated.

--Eye.

Rabbeinu Eye - I feel for you, I really do. I wish I had something amazingly inspiring to say, but im having a pretty low week myself. All I have to say is 2 things.

1) dont be stressed and worried about the lack of relations, we are human, crises make it hard physically and emotionally to be together and im sure that when things straighten out (bekarov) it will be back on the agenda. Hey - we learn from Yosef (in parshas mikeitz that a couple shouldn't be together in a time of national crisis, maybe this applies to a time of personal crisis as well... it sure makes sense...

2) I have learned from this weeks parsha and am really trying to internalise it, that Hashem put us in our circumstances on purpose - it is  for our own good in the end and all he wants from us is to be the best we can be - in that very situation. we shouldnt feel down that we aren't succeeding as we would under calm circumstances, coz we dont have calm circumstances and we shouldnt feel we arent reacting the way, say  a gadol would, coz we aren't gedolim (at least i speak for myself). I know its easier to say than to do - but try to really trust that Hashem put you here, its part of His plan!

3) falling is not the answer - it will only open all that up again - shmooze with a GYE buddy share what you're going through - dont escape! we love you too much!

with hearfelt love,

ahm

Eye.nonymous wrote on 16 Dec 2010 07:50:
No, Eye, I don't think you've got any problem here. That's because my own rule of thumb is -- never, ever, everever, evereverever, look into someone else's marriage. No two people are alike, no two situations are alike.

G-d made shidduchim to make marriages that succeed for millions of bizarre reasons, and I'll never understand how anyone else's works.

Anytime I start to think that something is wrong (or right!) with my marriage by comparing it to someone else's, I find I've made a big mistake. That "trophy wife" is a drug abuser. That mean witch is really responsible for the guy being able to function at all. This couple sacrifices s*x for a little while when kids are sick etc, some other couples sacrifice their jobs or bank accounts instead. And it never means anything to my own situation, because no two situations are alike.

So let some other recovering addict tell you that s*x is the end all, be-all, litmus test of marriage. Who cares. I bet a marathon runner would tell you that running together is the ikkar. They're both wrong. The litmus test is building the marriage that fulfills what the RBS'O designed for the two of you. What's s*x got to do with it? In 20 years, would you rather have your kids be healthy grownups, or count another couple of rolls in the hay? Come one, you're doing an awesome job here and you know I'm a big fan.

Anyhow, just another puny opinion from another puny poster on the site. No harm intended to anyone, even the horses used in the filming of this saga .

Eye.nonymous wrote on 16 Dec 2010 07:50:


Eye, I really feel for you.  I also admire your ability to reach out for help amidst all of the stress.  It speaks volume about you.  And in the zechus of reaching out, your daughter should be zoche to a quick and speedy refuah shelaima.  Re the sex issue, Briut's post was right on the mark, I plan to paste into the Sholom Bayis thread because it was so on the mark.  My suggestion to you is that with all the stress and the running it is sometimes hard to keep up the connection with our spouse.  I would strongly recommend you get a babysitter and that you and your wife go out for a hot drink for an hour or two to just schmooze and catch-up about other things going on in your life.  Getting that breather is essential in any marriage and certainly one that is experiencing external stress like what your under now.  Hatzlacha.

Eye, i am keeping your daughters in mind at davening. sounds like you are really having a rough time. ouch.

at times like that i think you need to just go back to the very basic foundations. emuna. Hashem is your Poppa. talk to Him. tell him how you feel. tell Him how tough things are. how you don't feel the strength to carry it all on your shoulders. ask Him to give you a hand, a shoulder. and talk to a friend. someone who can listen. spill it out.

Briut gave you a gem of an idea. just because someone else thinks that if u are not doing x, y and z, doesn't mean that it is Toras Moshe misinai. if you are ok with it and the wife is ok then so be it. but if it bothers you then maybe you should try to fit it in. assuming you are 'bothered' by the abstinence, not the fact that someone thinks you are not doing what you should be doing. can you be sure your wife is not 'bothered' by it as well? regardless of that, it would probably be a great idea to schedule some couple-time with the wife, as UAJ suggested, even if only for a short time. it could lift your (and her's) spirit.

keep posting. let us know how you are doing.