Among other things, I came across a sefer on Shalom Bayis "Shalom B'Ohalecha."  There was a special free-bee edition on condition you learn it at least once.

It quoted something from the Vilna Goan's letter which struck me.

He says "The main point of most of the mitzvahs is to make other people happy."

I know part of the addiction is EGO and self-seeking.  So, the remedy is HUMILITY and to be service-oriented.  But, this term never really excited me, it sort of struck me like a sign you'd see at a gas station.  But, to think of "making people happy," is an idea I really like.

I had a very exceptional Rav and he told me that when he was younger he made a list of things he would like to accomplish in his life.  The first item was to be happy.  But the second item was to help other people be happy--how could he be happy if other people aren't happy?  I was impressed.

And today, I was thinking "I've got to focus on making other people happy.  And, THAT'S the way that I'll find happiness, too."

It hasn't been forty years, but I had one of the A&W moments when I realized I had basically just come up with the same list. (My Rav had 10 things on this list, and I don't know what the other 8 thing were--but he said he was still working on the first 2)

Eye.nonymous wrote on 17 Nov 2010 21:04:


that is a beautiful and useful statement, thanks!

Eye?  How have you been?

Doing fine, thanks for asking.

A big part of recovery has to do with changing your attitute.  DC refers to it as, changing your glasses.

I thought of something recently that helps.  It's a bit abstract to think "am I being selfish or am I being giving?"  But, I noticed, IF I'M COMPLAINING OR CRITICIZING, I've got the wrong glasses on.  So, if I catch myself doing this, or WANTING to do this, I know I've got to calm down, take a few deep breaths, and just accept the situation.  Either keep quiet, or find something positive to say instead, something to appreciate.

--Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 22 Nov 2010 18:09:


i think you meant: how have Eye been?

Eye is his favorite pupil! ;D

i thought Eye was...

I see.  : : :

i think you guys need the new glasses he was talking about...

Kedusha wrote on 22 Nov 2010 20:33:


Or, is it eye see? ;D

its actually eye c

It's called seeing I to I.

This is probably another one of those major realizations that I've realized over and over again, and forgot:

I notice, in my  head, I play a lot of negative messages to myself.  (No doubt, a source of RID). 

Now, here's something I've heard of, but only recently started trying to do--it's so easy to forget when you're fighting old patterns.  Also, I never realized how pervasive this old mentality was.

I've been trying to tell myself first thing in the morning, "Today is going to be a good day."  And, "You're going to do well, whatever you do."  And, whatever situation I find myself in, "You're doing exactly what you need to be doing at this moment, and you're doing a fine job."

Today my schedule was totally out of wack.  I went with my wife and daughter on a big schlep for some appointments, and it basically took all day.  It wasn't what I would have normally considered a big day of accomplishments.

But, I kept on reassuring myself with these messages.  I not only fended off anger, but overall I managed to enjoy the experience.  I feel no angst and no regrets.

--Eye.

It is good to be needed by the ones you love. It feels good to be able to give. I also hope to have kids and go on a shlep and see a smile on everyones faces. I guess you made it into a family trip.  ;D

Okay, so yesterday was totally out of wack.  I expected today would be normal.  I deserve it, don't I?

All was fine until, after mincha, I got a call from my wife to pick up my son from school and bring him home.  Usually I hide out in the ezras nashim and try to do some work at this time.

No sweat.  I'll bring him home, and then get back to work.

I brought him home.  "I need your help."

I WAS FURIOUS.  HOW DARE YOU!  I managed to bite my tongue.

I disappeared for a few minutes.  I told myself, "This is your EGO.  THINGS AREN'T GOING YOUR WAY.  YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF YOUR EGO.  YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT."  I calmed down.  I think I was even nice.  I stayed around for lunch and to let my wife have a rest.  Then, I took a rest.  So, I skipped my afternoon work time for today, and got back to kollel for afternoon seder. 

That was today.

--Eye.