Thanks, Dov.

dov wrote on 11 Nov 2010 23:57:


Really living in the moment, what an example!

Really cracked is more likely!  :-*

dov wrote on 12 Nov 2010 15:26:

BUT IS THERE A BETTER WAY?

--Eye.

a better way to live in the moment?

Hi! I live cracked in the moment! It's great!
You should try it!!  :o :o :

Hmm..., I dunno...

dov wrote on 11 Nov 2010 23:57:
Dov, dearest:
Wacky? Ma zeh wacky? If all Eye's brave work to live "an examined life" makes him wacky, then send me a straight jacket. (No pun intended.) Reb Eye, keep on grilling yourself - it's worth it - and keep on posting it - it's helping others like me.

PS, if you'll forgive the hijack: Which reminds me, Reb Dov, do you have any advice for posters who tend to use words with a double meaning that might be a little triggering. Example, not to point any fingers at any big bears around here, that guy looking for a 'good stiff drink.' I'm noticing it more and more around the site, and sometimes it's a little hard to ignore .

SOS

I've probably written something like this before, but it's hitting me all over again.  Same old fears, new wrapper.

I do some free-lance work and, for a while I've been doing some promotional work.  I just started getting the feeling that "free-lance" is a PC (Politically correct, not Personal Computer) way of saying "unemployed."  I'm starting to get this feeling that I'm not only unemployed, but just plain unemployable.

Besides that, I did some paid work a while ago, and payment still hasn't arrived.  And, I submitted some work recently which I think was really well done, and it was rejected for reasons not having anything to do with the quality of the work.

As a result of all this work I've been doing, my kollel hours have dropped.  This was the first month, after all the accounting was done, that I actually owe my Rosh Kollel money back.

I had a whole new business strategy a few months ago, which really gave me a lot of hope at first.  But now I am having lots of doubts about it.

Besides that, I've just been feeling all achey and also tired lately.  This is nothing new, but it suddenly has just gotten more intense.  Really intense back and neck pain.  I feel like I'm limping sometimes.

I was exploring a new avenue in my free-lance work which I was actually excited about, but I suspect it was just an excuse to waste time and escape from life.

Even relations, lately, has started to feel like a burden.  Last time we had plans, my wife just sort of fell asleep.  I don't feel that interested.  Like, if you've gotta overcome your own tiredness, and, if you feel like your wife is doing the same, so let's just get some sleep.

I feel totally scatterbrained.  Between pseudo-work, and pseudo-learning, and being a pseudo-husband, and a pseudo-tahte, I feel like I'm a total zombie.

I feel totally addicted to my PC (personal computer this time, not politically correct).  Checking messages--did my latest work get rejected.  Searching for business ideas. 

Besides this, I used to have dillusions of being some sort of maggid shiur to some sort of capacity.  I came to terms that this was probably never really going to happen, but I had a shred of success--a little chabura with some learning late-starters, mishnayos and a little hashkafa.  This little shred of success just collapsed as my two friends just left for another shiur (which, I do believe, is a good move for them.  That doesn't alleviate my feeling like a total flop, though).

Besides all this, I feel like my eyeballs are burning up and like they're going to fall out of my head any minute.

I don't think I'll be searching for p*rn or m*sturbating any day soon, Baruch Hashem, but I could really use lots of chizzuk.

(Maybe this all happens every once in a while so I can publicly admit that I'm still a human being).

--Eye.






 

i know this might sound like it's from left field, but maybe you would benefit from taking a day or two and just get away from your routine and relax?

sometimes we can use a forced 'new start' to give us that 'new start' we often need.
just my 2 agorot

That is a really sweet thing to repeat to myself sometimes, "same old fears, new wrapper....same old fears, new wrapper...etc."

Just as things turned out alright before, He will help me this time and life will go on.

Geshmak! Thanks!

dov wrote on 15 Nov 2010 23:36:

Yeah, but I don't feel that things really did turn out alright before... it's the same problems than NEVER WENT AWAY!  I feel like I just sort of forget about them for a while.  But they're not getting any better.

Dear Eye,

It sounds like you work for yourself, as opposed to being an employee for someone else.  There's nothing at all wrong with that.  However, only about 5-10% of people are cut out for that; the other 90-95% are far better suited to working for others.

As for being employable, I know where you're coming from.  I was in precisely that type of situation, and I decided that my only option was to go back to school (I was already in my thirties).

Hatzlacha!

Eye.nonymous wrote on 16 Nov 2010 05:53:
It's so sad that I am reduced to such a predictable blatherer....but...

Please hear me out before passing judgment - I am not criticizing you in any way:

Are you doing anything differently?

Are you living the rest of your life differently in any way? I do not mean 'working with the lust/tayva vs sober/kodosh/whatever business....no! Not that at all! That part is not at all where I bet you need to look. It certainly is not where I need/needed much work. I can't speak for you, but in my case, as important as it may be, that part of me is a freaking 18-wheeler!....with a single flat tire!....I cannot drive it. Period.

All I can do is humbly, patiently, and faithfully work my program and actually use the steps of my recovery and the stuff I learn from other addicts in my daily life so that I begin to live in a different way. Differently in the way I react when I feel like being mad at someone; when I want to lie to save face; when I am late somewhere; when I win a game; when I am sick; when I want to masturbate or look at schmutz; when I don't masturbate or look at schmutz; when I see I am self-absorbed; when I am afraid; when I look down on another person...we start with something that the steps apply to (usually the 4th - 7th) and work it  so we live a bit differently in this very moment. Today. Not so that we change, are better, recover, (for we are completely powerless over outcomes) - but just to be different and do the sober thing right now.

After a bunch of 'todays' done differently, I start to grow, by Hashem's Chessed.

Knowing the steps through-and-through is bubkess. Garbage. Useless. The only thing that matters is using them. And davka when it doesn't feel natural...and because it doesn't feel natural. 

If we are essentially doing the same thing, then we can expect essentially the same thing. Maybe that it why you feel things are 'the same'.

Now, Reb Eye, if you believe that you already are doing basically this (and none of us does it very well) and still feel little or no change...then I say to you with conviction that you need to hang on and keep up the good work. Get past this block and new light may open for you. It's k'dai to wait for.

Crazy about your recovery,

Dov

Hello mr eye
If you got stuff that doesent go away.
Its sticking with you and pulling you down. That yicky grind.
Its called life.
Welcome to your life excactly as hashem
wants it to be.
These are the fixed pieces in your life. When we get to a roadblock we dont even try breaking it  down . We go around. The things you described are your personal stuff of life. Your personal custom made script for your part in hashems play.

Hi,

Mr. Eyeball, my respect to You.

Edison failed 10, 000 times before he made the electric light. An old story, where it seems that Mr. Edison was not very bright to our standards today. Question is, would he get any funding today? But he did have something very cool: ZEST. He was working on that day by day, because it was an act of joy. He really liked it. Failing didn't matter that much, because he was thankful for the fact, that he was doing something he enjoyed - exploring.

Why not try to do all with joy and meaning. This is an advice that I got from Rabbi Zelig Pliskin. Before you start working say Joyfull Willpower. (from the book Taking Action)

Maybe it will work, it did for me. For today anyway 

dov wrote on 17 Nov 2010 00:09:


I suggest a new GYE T-shirt (I think someone mentioned the GYE t-shirts in a different thread):

I LOV DOV

There.

Thanks Dov.

I think I am dealing with life differently.  Sometimes more so and sometimes less so.  I guess that's what you call so-so, which is actually pretty decent.

I spoke with a few guys from the forum [both who have gotten involved with 12-steps of some form or another].  I got some hope.  Nothing is actually different yet, but I just feel more hopeful.

I came up with a little mashal about the whole thing.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF A DARK AND SCARY FOREST, IT DOESN'T NECESARRILY MEAN YOU'RE LOST!

And, life is like that sometimes.  Dark and scary.  And it might take time to get out of it.  But, I'm not LOST!  I've got Hashem and a very dedicated chevra here to help me out of it [provided I follow a few simple, but not easy, steps].

--Eye.