For the sake of clarity, I am not there yet. Nevertheless, I see it as a reality we will someday enter.

I think back to many things I have done in the past, things that I regret. Still, for one reason or another, the ugliness of those things is blunted. Not in a bad or sick way, but in a good way. Should I hear about those things in general, I will react with a fair assessment: that these things are wrong, with all the accompanying feelings against it, depending on its grade of "wrongness". But when remembering my own participation in these things, I don't trouble myself. I don't hate myself. I have gotten past that past. This is yet another signpost that tells me I will be able to get past this current "past", be'ezras Hashem. The person I was before this current fall had a past. And he somehow got through it and lived. I aim to live and be balanced again, be'ezras Hashem. 

As I mentioned earlier, I have been struggling with shame. Shock that I could allow my life to slip as it did, and shame at my condition and state of things. It hasn't been easy, but I will say that everyday brings me closer to a better place. Each passing day I note that the lows are not as low. And though I have "accepted" my past, I note that each passing day the running away from acceptance, which brings with it great shame, is slowly ceasing. I am more able to cope.

Today, I took a look at my life, my accomplishments, all of the hard work I've put into myself, and I thought, This is not worth giving up on. Despite my past errors, this life is worth picking up the pieces. I have been going through the motions the last six or seven weeks, but not feeling any value to my life. I was going on with myself because the alternative is worse, not from any value I found in myself. Today, I saw that I am worth more than my past. This was not a comprehensive remedy that set me completely right, but it is a start. A start I can grow from. I knew and believed this previously, today I felt and somehow "knew" it.   

I feel I owe my life to Rabbeinu Nachman of Breslev. Why did he write such things that kept me in my darkest hours. Of course, every good things comes from G-d. And all of what is found in Breslev literature is attested to by writings that came before. Still, though it is the King who holds the banquet, it is the servant, pouring the wine, who receives the thanks. That is a rough paraphrase from Pessachim (which daf? I hope to post later with that info, be"H). 

By the way, today made 35 days clean. This is a big feat and I am grateful, however, as I have mentioned on previous posts, staying clean, though not a walk in the park, was never that big a struggle for me. My reason for being here was and is to cope with the shame of my past actions. I am not downplaying the significance of or my happiness at having reached 35 days clean. I am simply making it known that I am working harder on another, more imortant goal: my self respect.

Hatzlocha rabbah to everybody out there.

Day 36. I am glad I made it this far. It's a special day.

Hatzlocha rabbah to everyone in their struggles. May G-d strengthen and encourage you.

Today marks day 40. This is a day marking transition and I'm very grateful to have made it this far.

I love everyone on here and cannot express my gratitude enough for having gotten acquainted with you all. This really is a very special place. May everyone on this forum have a good, good Shabbos, beyond anything we could ever ask for or deserve. Amein!!!!

Thanks Teshuvah,

You keep being an inspiration to all of us. Have a great Shabbos and be well!

-Yiddle

40 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Real inspiration. BTW, thanks for all your amazing posts, they are extremely positive and helpful.

Good shabbos.

Tonight marks the beginning of my 57th day. Am I happy? Of course. It has been an uphill climb but every day is better and more rewarding. 

I am still practicing shmiras einayim. Not always perfectly, but certainly not to the level of staring or dwelling on filth in the mind. I foresee that it will get better. One signpost of this is that the practice of shmiras einayim is becoming not just second nature, but a glad and welcome avodah. It just plain feels good to consciously apply guarding ones eyes. 

I haven't posted as I used to because I have taken a more active pursuit of things away from the forum. I still appreciate everyone here. I just felt I needed (and still need) to stabilize myself in my everyday routines, especially my relationship with G-d. I hope things are good for all who are here. 

I am amazed at the love G-d has for each of us. It is beyond our understanding. And that is precisely why so many lack compassion for our plight, ie., it requires a holy level of understanding. But G-d understands and is compassionate. And, from my experience, as I continue in this limitless love, living and doing, I find that I can keep on going and regain myself in the process. 

Some people say, Oh, you are just telling yourself these things to feel good. I laugh. They are right! But can you imagine the alternative, telling oursleves things to feel bad? Ultimately, it all comes from within, not without. And this "within" is an extension of G-d, who blew into us a soul. We are irrevocably connected to G-d. Like it or don't, we cannot escape this fact of life. A little part of Himself, if you will, resides with each of us (Likutei Amarim/ Tanya, Iggeres Teshuvah, ch. 1-4). Having such a source, how can we honestly entertain telling ourselves anything bad at all? 

I look around at the natural world, Creation, and realize that it is blameless and without authority in the matters of our minds, our souls. We make or break ourselves, not the trees and not the earth, not the sun, the moon the stars. It is us. Remember R' Elazar ben Durdayah? When he cried out to all of Creation, he receieved no help, no relief. He had to look squarely at himself. And through himself, face G-d. We are the channel by which the rivers from above flow. And, thankfully, these rivers extend from G-d. He gives. We can turn to Him and turn oursleves from pollution to purity. He is the Arbiter and Ultimate Decisor; who are we to argue with His judgments? And His judgment and disposition is kind, unstintingly so.
  
We can flourish again, a well-watered garden. So then, when I am told, Oh, you just say that to feel better, I wonder. What water does this poor person prefer? What does this person do with their allotment? Give up? Ride the waves from without, like some shackled slave? But Creation only reflects what we have within. And G-d does not make us pawns to the winds that surround us if we but exercise our capacity to choose. Through choice, we can secure the footing  we desire. 

All of the above is to say that we have an indescribable gift. Our own soul. And we have an indescribable friend in the expressing of our soul, G-d. Who welcomes us to manage the waters again, for good. And who supplies us, again and again, with everything we need to be well, again.

I had, and still have at times, a hard time with my past errors. But, as I consider these things, I realize that revisiting the pain goes diametrically opposite of the love and expectation G-d has for us. I notice more and more this healing, little by little. And going back to the pain becomes harder and harder in the face of G-d's infinite love. What can I say? I am very grateful. I can see how, thanks to Hashem, I am getting out of the hole. And miraculously, the hole is being replaced with a warm, tender love. 

This is a process. I am still going through it. This is my play by play as I live through accepting G-d's love and kindness. Perhaps this will serve as a benefit to another, travelling the lonely desert of shame. Their is a way out and it is an unmerited gift from Hashem. Hatzlocha to everyone.