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It starts with one
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TOPIC: It starts with one 14983 Views

Re: It starts with one 25 Jul 2010 04:25 #75258

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So I failed twice on friday.
Today, was great... put day one into the books!
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Re: It starts with one 26 Jul 2010 06:29 #75325

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Thanks Oneday for the detailed reply and Yehoshua for those kind words of encouragement.
It sounds like you are making progress. Even though you may still be falling, I can hear that you are developing the right attitude to beat this.

K9 allows you to add specific sites to block. In the settings, on the left, click on "Web Site Exceptions". There you can add your own sites to block. I also found it useful to block adverts (under “web categories to block”, right at the bottom).

The first thing I did when I installed K9 was to add the sites that I was visiting often that I don’t actually HAVE to use.
The sites that I added are actually fairly normal sites but they are sites that I found were only wasting my time and thus were eventually leading me to fall.
An example: One site was for demotivational posters. people basically post pictures and add funny captions. I found that I was going to these sites because I was bored. Before long I would run out of jokes and find something else to look at, and next thing I was falling.
Boredom is a huge trigger for me, but I found that using the internet to cure boredom is like fighting fire with petrol.

It was hard for me, I NEEDED facebook, I NEEDED cheezburger, I NEEDED my daily jokes, giving them up was driving me insane, but I found that it was all linked.
I still look at Garfield and other daily comics, but that’s my limit. A couple of minutes only, any more than that and I may be back on that slippery slope.

It only took a week or so and then it was over. Once that routine had been broken, the rest became so much easier.
I would advise that you stay away from the internet unless you have something important to do. Think about every site you go to. Pretend each site is a classroom. Do I need to be in this class? What will I learn here? If you go over the same piece of schoolwork 10 times it will be stuck in your head for a very long time, the same thing for a website.

I hope I’m not rambling.
There was a time when I would have hated for anyone to know what’s in my head – Now I can’t help but let it all out…

ToAdd
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Re: It starts with one 02 Aug 2010 17:38 #75870

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ToAdd wrote on 26 Jul 2010 06:29:

Thanks Oneday for the detailed reply and Yehoshua for those kind words of encouragement.
It sounds like you are making progress. Even though you may still be falling, I can hear that you are developing the right attitude to beat this.

I hope that I'm making progress! Once school starts back up my time home might me cut up to only a 1/3 and I go to a lot of hockey games!! I should have a lot less free time so the future is looking bright!

K9 allows you to add specific sites to block. In the settings, on the left, click on "Web Site Exceptions". There you can add your own sites to block. I also found it useful to block adverts (under “web categories to block”, right at the bottom).

That is what I do. I don't have the password. I have to e-mail every time I want it. Those sites are now blocked so its looking good!

The first thing I did when I installed K9 was to add the sites that I was visiting often that I don’t actually HAVE to use.
The sites that I added are actually fairly normal sites but they are sites that I found were only wasting my time and thus were eventually leading me to fall.
An example: One site was for demotivational posters. people basically post pictures and add funny captions. I found that I was going to these sites because I was bored. Before long I would run out of jokes and find something else to look at, and next thing I was falling.
Boredom is a huge trigger for me, but I found that using the internet to cure boredom is like fighting fire with petrol.

Exactly! I'm trying to find more stuff to do (which I have) and I'm just chilling with my friends more!

It was hard for me, I NEEDED facebook, I NEEDED cheezburger, I NEEDED my daily jokes, giving them up was driving me insane, but I found that it was all linked.
I still look at Garfield and other daily comics, but that’s my limit. A couple of minutes only, any more than that and I may be back on that slippery slope.

I have given up google images so I have done something. Facebook is here to stay right now. I'm a teen and that's how I talk with my friends and such.

It only took a week or so and then it was over. Once that routine had been broken, the rest became so much easier.
I would advise that you stay away from the internet unless you have something important to do. Think about every site you go to. Pretend each site is a classroom. Do I need to be in this class? What will I learn here? If you go over the same piece of schoolwork 10 times it will be stuck in your head for a very long time, the same thing for a website.

I hope I’m not rambling.
There was a time when I would have hated for anyone to know what’s in my head – Now I can’t help but let it all out…

ToAdd

Thanks again man! You're words always help me and make me think about my situation and what is best to fix it! May Hashem reward you greatly for your help to me to beat the y''h from this terrible thing!
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Re: It starts with one 03 Aug 2010 03:13 #75899

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Well today was better than yesterday I guess. Yesterday was an absolute nightmare... four falls!!! Today wasn't exactly a good day but I improved from yesterday. I fell twice. Hopefully I can improve again tomorrow!
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Re: It starts with one 04 Aug 2010 03:18 #75957

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Another day, another two falls.  :'( Maybe tomorrow is the day!
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Re: It starts with one 05 Aug 2010 08:19 #76043

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Hi Oneday

I recently read something, on a totally different topic that I think may help here.

The topic was actually about being lazy and a lot of the solution is about changing what you are thinking or telling yourself at the time. The example was that most lazy people tell themselves they are lazy, so they believe it and don't even try starting new things, or they tell themselves that it will be bad if they fail, so they have a fear of failing and thus never start new projects etc.

I am curious as to what is going through your mind before you begin whatever it is that leads you to fall. At that point when you are still in control, what is it that you are telling yourself?
For some people, it may be something like ‘I can look at this because it’s not so bad’ but it eventually leads to worse things and they lose control
For other people it may be “I’m bored” and this leads to filling the time with something bad.
Others may be trying to lose themselves, running away from the real world to a fantasy world.
Can you try make a list of what you are telling yourself before you lose control, and what you are feeling.
The feelings may be on the lines of sad, lonely, excited, free, curious, naughty, ashamed, uncontrollable, can’t resist.
This would be helpful into finding an insight as to why it keeps on happening and how to break the pattern.

Even without identifying the actual emotions or self-talk, by telling ourselves something productive at the time, we may be able to change what we think and break out of a bad pattern.
Back to my example from earlier, a lazy person can tell themself “I have done it before, there’s no reason why I can’t do it now”. They can remember back to a time when they succeeded at something and invoke those positive memories. They can say “It doesn’t matter who I was in the past or how lazy I was then, by taking action now, I am defining who I am. I have done it before, so I can do it again”.

You can try the same thing. When you feel the slightest hint of slipping, or the slightest memory of falling comes to you, you can tell yourself:
“I have a choice. I have managed to stay away from this before and I can stay away from it again”. Remember back to a time when you held off the y”h, how good it felt to win, to be in control. Tell yourself “by winning right now, even if it is just for 10 minutes, I am defining who I am”.
Then, if you succeed for 10 minutes, you have added a positive memory that you can use next time.
Stand up, tell yourself “I won! I won!, I can do it again next time too”.
The trick is to catch yourself as soon as you are in a situation that starts you to slip.

Small victories first.

ToAdd
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Re: It starts with one 06 Aug 2010 04:23 #76097

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ToAdd wrote on 05 Aug 2010 08:19:

Hi Oneday

I recently read something, on a totally different topic that I think may help here.

The topic was actually about being lazy and a lot of the solution is about changing what you are thinking or telling yourself at the time. The example was that most lazy people tell themselves they are lazy, so they believe it and don't even try starting new things, or they tell themselves that it will be bad if they fail, so they have a fear of failing and thus never start new projects etc.

I think it is time for a new mindset. I don't think I'm afraid of failing... I feel like I'll start my climb to 90 and it never happens.

I am curious as to what is going through your mind before you begin whatever it is that leads you to fall. At that point when you are still in control, what is it that you are telling yourself?
For some people, it may be something like ‘I can look at this because it’s not so bad’ but it eventually leads to worse things and they lose control
For other people it may be “I’m bored” and this leads to filling the time with something bad.
Others may be trying to lose themselves, running away from the real world to a fantasy world.
Can you try make a list of what you are telling yourself before you lose control, and what you are feeling.
The feelings may be on the lines of sad, lonely, excited, free, curious, naughty, ashamed, uncontrollable, can’t resist.
This would be helpful into finding an insight as to why it keeps on happening and how to break the pattern.

I bolded the main ones.

Even without identifying the actual emotions or self-talk, by telling ourselves something productive at the time, we may be able to change what we think and break out of a bad pattern.
Back to my example from earlier, a lazy person can tell themself “I have done it before, there’s no reason why I can’t do it now”. They can remember back to a time when they succeeded at something and invoke those positive memories. They can say “It doesn’t matter who I was in the past or how lazy I was then, by taking action now, I am defining who I am. I have done it before, so I can do it again”.

Problem is I haven't been on something positive in a while. I'm a very optimistic person even if stuff doesn't look to good. I know I can do it, it just is a matter of when at this point.

You can try the same thing. When you feel the slightest hint of slipping, or the slightest memory of falling comes to you, you can tell yourself:
“I have a choice. I have managed to stay away from this before and I can stay away from it again”. Remember back to a time when you held off the y”h, how good it felt to win, to be in control. Tell yourself “by winning right now, even if it is just for 10 minutes, I am defining who I am”.
Then, if you succeed for 10 minutes, you have added a positive memory that you can use next time.
Stand up, tell yourself “I won! I won!, I can do it again next time too”.
The trick is to catch yourself as soon as you are in a situation that starts you to slip.

I do that sometimes... just not enough. I think I'm at the stage where I am capable of winning and Hashem is sending these opportunities to grow closer to him and such. I just need to start grabbing them more. I think that I sometimes wait too long.

Small victories first.

Exactly. Even though this week has been horrible if you look at it from the big picture... multiple falls even two today, I have had many small victories that people here can't see. I have blocked google images. I have stayed clean every night this week (except tonight). I'm getting there... the numbers aren't everything!

ToAdd

Thanks again for the support! We're going to win this!
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Re: It starts with one 06 Aug 2010 06:14 #76100

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Hi Oneday

I must say, I'm happy with your responses.
It sounds like we've identified the actual problem areas and you have the tools to beat this.
When I was your age, I also fell every day, but had no reason to stop.
I know you can beat this, you just need your 'will to stop' to be stronger than your 'desire to fall' and every little victory strengthens your will while weakening your y"h.
The more effort you put into stopping, the quicker you will win.

Any site that leads you to worse things is a problem. Every time you visit a site that may lead to viewing a worse site merely strengthens your y"h.

Right now, say the following several times: "This is a test. Do I want all the pleasure in the world Hashem can give me, or do I only want the pleasure I can give myself?"
If you pratice saying it enough, then when the time comes and you need it, it will be in your mind, ready to save you.

Have a good Shabbos
may God bless you and strengthen you.
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Re: It starts with one 06 Aug 2010 22:43 #76132

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Toadd, I think that is a good 'saying' to say when I have the option again.
Today I fell twice. Both times though I didn't see anything except hinting images. Both falls were fast also, like under five minutes.
I feel proud of myself as even when I was viewing these hinting images, my plan to move my phone upstairs saved me from viewing anything 'real'.
My improvement today was to get rid of my account on the last site that was causing me issues. The falls today might have essentially made my computer a lot safer to be on. Also, I think certain tv shows I shouldn't watch any more. I think I should have the rule, if I can't watch it with a Rabbi, maybe I shouldn't be watching it! Mainly I'm going to try to stop watching Two & A Half Men. These minor improvements keep building and I think that is what I was missing. I tried to go in headfirst instead of taking the boundary method!
I feel really good today. I feel like this long journey is about to end and I can return to who I really am and who I want to be. I feel like every fall now is one of the last. The y''h is trying to get every last one now as he is soon about to lose a customer and is not too excited by this. I'm not going to be nice anymore to him!
I've said this before and I'll say it again. They say it is the most dark before the light starts to shine. These past couple of weeks haven't been the best to say the least with all the multiple fall days. In my mind the y''h was doing all he could to try to get me back into it. I hope he begins to realize it is a lost cause! I'm getting out of this whole whether he likes it or not. I've built an army this time and I'm going to do what the South failed in the Civil War. I don't have to win, I just can't lose.
I hope everyone has a good Shabbos and that we can beat this final obstacle and b'ezras Hashem Moshiach will come in our days!
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Re: It starts with one 08 Aug 2010 03:07 #76146

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There it is! Day one! I knew I can do it! I fealt so focused this Motzei Shabbos that I wasn't going to fall and sure enough I didn't! I really feel like this can be day 1 of 90 and not a different day one! Shavouah Tov to all!
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Re: It starts with one 09 Aug 2010 04:11 #76198

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Today was good no falls until about 4:00. I lost it. It's alright though. I have gotten rid of the reason why I fell and should not have any more issues with that. Hopefully all ways are gone now and I can restart tomorrow! The only thing that I am disappointed in myself today is that after I fell, I didn't get rid of that method right away, I left it and fell two more times. At least it is gone now and I can continue my quest to 90!
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Re: It starts with one 09 Aug 2010 05:50 #76203

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I want to tell you that you are so lucky you found this site at such a young age. it pains me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much I did not get hadracha about this when I was younger.

I have not read the whole thread but I would encouage you to talk to a Rebbi about this. It is very comman  with young bachorim and he will not look down at you.
זכרני נא, זכרני נא, וחזקני נא אך הפעם הזה, הפעם הזה, האלקים, ואנקמה נקם אחת משתי עיני, מפלשתים
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Re: It starts with one 10 Aug 2010 04:27 #76285

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Holy Yid wrote on 09 Aug 2010 05:50:

I want to tell you that you are so lucky you found this site at such a young age. it pains me sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much I did not get hadracha about this when I was younger.

I'm very fortunate to have found this site. I still have the ability to be free of this by the time I am out of high school. Boruch Hashem I have this opportunity.

I have not read the whole thread but I would encouage you to talk to a Rebbi about this. It is very comman  with young bachorim and he will not look down at you.
I'm not really that 'close' to one to talk about it. I'm getting real close to beating it. Maybe a year ago it would've been the ideal to do, but Boruch Hashem, Hashem has been leading me just fine!

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Re: It starts with one 10 Aug 2010 04:32 #76286

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I came home today and left my phone in my room! Bad idea. Part of my 'rules' is that I don't have my phone in my room during sunlight (usually falls happen then). I ended up viewing suggestive pictures and m**. The good thing about this is that I was successful in doing something that I haven't been able to do in a while. Limit the fall. As soon as I fell, I put my phone away and didn't wait until the y''h would come back out and try to strike again. It worked, I was successful.

As for the phone, I haven't viewed anything inappropriate on it in a while. K9 blocked my fake e-mail where a password went to. If I had my computer I couldn't access it since I didn't know the password. I would go on the phone and change the pass to something I could remember (after a fall I would make it random). Today though, I changed the e-mail to something random and I will b'ezras Hashem not have to worry about that anymore.
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Re: It starts with one 12 Aug 2010 03:28 #76439

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Today I kept myself away all day and kept myself busy. By doing all this, I secured day one! It's Elul now and the shofar will remind me every day I'm still here and I can still do teshuva!
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