Sorry to report that I have nose-dived fallen last night.
I have gone twice lately around 30-35 days and then hit hard.
I have a filter, Rimon, but know the code so I can go to the lowest level. and that is enough for me to lust. and lust. I didn't get to real Po** but close enough.


I have tried changing it, and not letting my wife tell me it, but I found out, and she needs me to help on the computer sometime, so I can't change it again.
I also found that it didn't help me on the basic issue of not wanting to lust.
I found myself thinking - if I already fell, and have to reset my count - I might as well get the most out of it. I know this moment that this is stupid and merusha! But at the time - I didn't really care!

True I have had some longer or shorter striaght clean times, during the year or so I am listed, and I didn't have before, during these past 9 yrs.
i AM EXPEREIencing falls still, and they are hard. And even Mast** issue which hasn't bothered me for 27 years is raising it's ugly ugly head.


I am wondering whether this KEEPING track inyan is really the right thing? OK one day at a time. Save every minute that I can not to look. But this 90 days thing is not working.

What do you gyes think?

I would like to mention one more important thing.

I stayed late on the computer and my wife who had fallen asleep woke up and noticed I wasn't in bed and came downstairs and surprised me. I was looking at some movie clip - not por* but the "me" that she knows.
she said what's so important that you have to stay up so late?
I mumbled nothing , I am just tired and couldn't get up, so I looked for something interesting. Thanks for coming down.
she did take a look at the screen but couldn't see the other tabs... before I closed it.


I know she knows that something is up, but she chose not to confront me.
Maybe I should use this opportunity to tell her more, all?

Please try to reply to the issues I raised.

another point.
I am a bit disappointed with the support on the forum. If I don't post - maybe someone would try to contact me with a message, maybe something is up.
If I do post - I don't feel the responses lead to anything deep. It's just "ok keep strong" great...
I have tried to be there - posting helping newbies, but it is hard to keep up, and I dan lekaf zchus.
I appreciate anything you gyes send my way/

Hey Chaim,

Keep up the good work. Just kidding I read your post  .

Regarding telling your wife, I have found alot of success stories throughout the forum for someone to tell their wife. That being said, it must be done in a sensitive and well thought out way where there is time to soak it in and talk about it. Don't tell her when your about to leave for work. Also, you need tot ake into account her feelings. How will she react? Will she be angry for a few days? Then ok thats part of the process and can be overcome. But if you think she's going to have a nervous breakdown and this will scar her for the rest of her life, I would consult someone with professional experience first. Just like anything else in life, this is a slippery slope. It can be very rewarding and help you immensly in your journey towards recovery. Again there's alot on this topic throughout the forum and a thread even recently started about this. Here's the link: www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2724.0

All the best and good luck!

-Yiddle

PS. Feel free to email me or gchat me at Yiddle2@gmail.com if you'd like.

Well, my wife was waiting for me this evening when I came home, and was a bit flustered herself, she asked (again) - "what was so interesting last night?

I answered like last night, that I was tired and bored and looked for some movie to see.

Since when do you see movies? (she is the one who brings home discs, and I holier-than-thou tell her that it isn't zanua etc... blah... hypocrite I am!)

-Maybe you want to share it with me also?" "i like movies, show me how to look them up"

-So I did. I showed her a site that has movies to see. But, true to my habits til now - I don't download or give my credit card (even for free) so I didn't get anywhere exciting. This is what happens usually if I cruise for some "interesting" stuff. As long as I have Rimon, even on the lowest - I don't get into terrible things.

She lost interest, and told me to go to sleep, and went back to shopping.

I had the guts to say: well you see now why it's important that we have a code, and I want you to know the code, not me so I won't waste my time.
She answered as usual (but nicer than usual)  - I am not your policeman, If you want to waste your time I can't stop you.

"and whats that Guard your eyes stuff"
I answered that it's chizuk so that I shouldn't look at bad things.


I wasn't able to proceed and get into a deeper discussion about how whe feels when I waste my time, but in general, I think we are closer, and she understands a bit more. I didn't show her lusty pictures or stories that I cruised around - I didn't think it was necessary, it could hurt her, and I didn't have the guts.

From her reaction - do it if you want - I felt enough disgust and pain in her voice, from her realizing that I (tried) to see movies.

However, my step in showing her some part of the pleasure (?) I had, and letting her join if she wanted to - was important in her eyes, and gave her confidence in our relationship.

I would like to emphasize something.
"share it with me"

I think that one main point that hurts our wives and families, is that we build our own imaginary, cut-off worlds from them, and live there viturally for hours.

This can be said for any cyber-addiction also,
and even for someone who reads and posts
on GYE for hours!

I will try to take this into account, and share with my wife - good things! - and take interest in her world more.
Because She wants me close.

I will try to stay connected. and Alive!

My respect to you, you really want to change. Hey no joke, I am looking for that feeling every day! And she said, she is not the policeman, vau that is hard. Do you think you need one?

Feeling better today - I had a run in with some tough sights, and hihur but reagined composure and made it through!
I am happy I did not give in, and will think about how to be more careful .

Thanks Yiddle for your support.
My wife doesn't know that I looked at por* or very un-tzanuah, she knows I waste my time surfing, and now knows that I sometime look at movies. (which I really don't. when acting out a movie is boring for me and I skip to try to find more explicit stuff).

I am happier now she has a better Idea of what's going on, and can be a little more open. I sure she knows or feels more than she heard.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life! Chaim

Amazing - I fell last night, After posting, After having a good day!
Stam!
Lehachis? no, I don't do things I don't enjoy, but I am getting close.

Do I care?
Yes!
Unbelievable how careful I have to be - I don't have the power to lust a bit.
I don't want to excuse myself,
Sorry for letting you GYEs down.
Not despondant but conrite. Tho' not enough to really feel bad.

I don't want THAT type of life, in fact the LUSTing is getting in the way of regular functioning, wasting my time. Dying a slow death.

Here it goes again
Today is day one!
Let me see if I can make it til Shabbos!

I am glad I posted, because while acting out - I had a thought that well - I won't tell them, so I can go ahead.
No!
I know really that being involved here is right for me.
I'll keep trying

Chaim stay strong! (had to say it!). Maybe try to find something else to fill your time and give yourself just for a week or something 30 minutes a day to go on the computer. When I'm on the computer for a while, I sometimes start to get thoughts as I get bored. The computer is not your friend when you are bored! Try to do something else instead... anything but when you have free time the computer is not the solution, at least it isn't for me!

Had a close call today!
Then 6 oclock came which is a time I accepted upon myself to be esecially careful - so I stayed clear, left the house and went to learn in Beit Knesset.

I made a bli neder kabbalah for the refuah of someone I know. Till Rosh HaShanna. So it is limited in scope and time.
This gives me the strength to pull for the sick boy, knowing that I am giving up some (fake) pleasure and not just "suffering" for nothing.
This is a feeling of pulling me through rather than busting my head on a wall.

I had a an interesting feeling of getting to a point I wanted to lust, and connecting with Hashem and consecrating the pain to Him. I felt like a river of fire was going up from my insides up to heaven, and felt close to HaShem.

I somehow found the presence of mind to do that. Halvay I do it more.

Amen.

Let the ratzon hashem flow through you. That's kinda my understanding of giving up control to a higher power.

Fell today!
I had and urge to just keep on going "as long as I fell - so..." but then the time came that I made a bli neder to be especially careful for the refuah of someone I know of.
Wow!
I don't even want to continue now - I'm still during the 2 hours. I will try not to use the computer at all fro the rest of the night.

I felt I just had no Koach., and gave up. I had felt it coming for a few days, close calls getting closer. and closer.

I feel like just a hypocrite - doing some wonderful things and then plop - like adog, giving in to my base desires. I am in a better mazav now than ever, and really thought I would hold out longer, but I see I am haveing trouble keeping over 20-30 days.

I will keep trying. keep up  the feed back.

When you feel yourself getting weaker, that's the time to reach out to us.

For me, discussing my temptations, and actually speaking out with someone else why I don't want to do it, helped.

What you said reminds me of something that Chaim Perlman (who was ehld on trumped up charges by the Shabak for a month)
He said that when contacted byt the secret service in order to collaborate against his friends the best thing to do is to tell everyone you know about their tricks. The secret service works through secrets - when everytnig is out in the open - they have no power.
So too in this case with the Yezer Hara - by speaking out about the temptations and seeing them in objective light with the help of a friend - it all of a sudden seems so silly to try and go after his bad advice.

Thanks

And how are you doing?

have been busy, not posted - I think I should try to post - even if things are going well.

Tho' I have been clean, I have had some close calls, and even some gazing not on my level. BH no intentional surfing and looking at bad sites, but some close calls with some searches not for me, but seemed interesting at the time, even tho' I didn't look.
Also some street gazing which instead of a split second realizing that it is a bad sight - I lingered  a bit, before shaking it off.
don't call this a fall, rather a slip.

In fact, I can feel when I am sliding because I get lazy and slow with looking away. This means I have to get stronger and quicker, make fences of looking before hand to the other side, far away from the cows.
cows? you know...
Nothing more than some pieces of meat.

I am glad to have made it thus far, and hope to continue into the yamim noraim even stronger, and nimble about avoiding temptation.

Be well gyes