You can send me the code Chaim, to eyes.guard@gmail.com and I'll hold it for you.

As far as the neighbor's wi-fi, Rimon offers a client based software that let's you only connect through their server. Highly recommended.

Keep up the great work!

Today is day 12
Thanks guard - but I can't easily change the old code (which I know) because my wife doesn't like it - as I explained.

I will check out the Rimon thing for my laptop but I have a Pocket PC which is also a possible source of trouble.

I was very good Today, and even resisted checking out some things,
You are right!
Less battles make for a calmer mind, and I can more easily feel when I am being tempted.

I read some of  the 18 tools, and thank you for it.
Glad to be part of this community
Chaim

Tell your wife that ALL MEN struggle with temptations sometimes to look at things they shouldn't, or follow links that are not always "so innocent". The temptation can catch us off guard, when we're feeling down or whatever... There's no reason you can't tell her this. Nothing to be ashamed of. A big Rabbi in Jerusalem asked his wife to hold the password for him, and he had no shame in telling it to people who came over his house... Just ask her to change and hold the password so you can feel calmer.

I'm glad you're reading the handbooks, that's an important step. Tools 1, 2 and 3 and most important for you at this stage. Make sure to read the attitude handbook as well...

P.S. Maybe ask Rimon if they have something for the PocketPC as well...

Today is Bar-Mitzva - 13
This reminds me of the happiness of the event.
But did I use my budding physical maturity wisely?

I had been masturbating even before I could ejaculate. I am not sure - But I think a goyish maid of the family - did some sexual things to me when I was really small, and I don't even remember. This went on for years, with w\o porn that I got my hands on, or in my head.
Even going to Yeshiva and realizeing this was bad - didn't help. I also had a girlfriend...
I finally stopped masturbating after one year in Yeshiva - aged 19, when I got raw, and somehow decided that was it.
Since then BH I have never done it! 28 Years! I had years of tremendous yissurim with getting all these memories and urges out of my mind - but I never stimulated myself physically.

I am very thankful.

However, about 9-10 years ago, I fell into a pattern of looking at P*** on the internet, once is a while, which gradually got worse, and for longer periods. Most of the time I was able to watch my eyes on the street! But would fall on the screen. Crazy?
I used to fall while checking out what my son's or students got into, and then shamefully would go myself.
The reply about being an addict gives me a ptur from policing whats going on around me - was very helpful - it helped m yesterday
The p*** no longer really excited me, but I found it hard to break off - sometimes a week or months, and sometimes every day.


Sometimes I think about how HaShem has entrusted all of us with an unfiltered internet - our minds and eyes,
along with some heavy heavy SurroundExperience effects - like the sexual sensations that can are so strong, especially for a young man!

Would I give this type of thing to my son? Even if I warn him about the dangers - he doesn't really know what I am talking about until he discovers it for himself.
Like the story in the gemara: what can the boy do and NOT sin?

Add to that, most every single one of us - doesn't have the emotional & spiritual relationship with anyone wiser in order to advise him on these issues, and most of us will never have!

This almost inevitable downfall gives me some solace, in knowing that I am not alone, and that HaShem wants us to find him for ourselves - from within our own bodies - Mibsari Echaze Eloka
As I heard:
It is not for naught that every father cries out at the bris of his son:
"Ana HaShem Hoshiya Na, Ana HaSHem Hatzlicha Na"
will my son have the courage, wisdom and emotional stability to keep his bris tahor?

It makes me humble.

It also motivates me to help youngsters be aware of the pitfalls and try to be there for them with love and acceptance. To give them good guidelines and warmth - so the won't feel like looking for "warmth" from the fake fire of the YH. This is not at all easy as anyone with kids or student knows.

This is truly a hard universal battle.

This site is a great beginning. Thanks for sharing I spent this afternoon on the site, and this kept my free time from being used badly, adraba - I grew from reading about your struggles, and ezus, and contributing what I can.
Thanks

Today is 15
I was saved today by an Etza I got here in the forum that an addict is patur from keeping track of others, and "making sure" they aren't doing something illicit.

Maybe this was the Mistake of Abaye when he went to "keep" the man and woman on the walk from sin. This allowed him to enter into dialogue with the YH. He therefore felt he might have sinned himself, whereas the unknowing man and woman were just naturally - going somewhere, with no awareness of sin. While I'm not saying that it was allowed or good for them to be alone on the road, the'r mind was not even occupied with sin\spiritual battles. Just Abaye.

This is an example of how davka us religious guys, can fall. Because we look at women in  a lot of ways as sin-stations, If I just park my senses for a while and rest -- I'll sin, in thought or deed.
Again I'm not in favor of befriending women, but I hope you get the point that the regular religious Yeshivish Chinuch warps our mind. Then we have to deal with the issue as sick allergic people would - stay away, be careful OR ELSE!
Is there a chance for normalcy?

I don't think it's fair to say that it warps our minds. It would be more accurate to say that it leaves room for improvement. I think we should always remember that it's virtually impossible for any Chinuch system to cover everything.

I think there definitely is a golden path of "keeping very very distant from women" as the Shulchan Aruch says, and at the same time, not seeing them at all as "sin-stations". (Tznius is very conducive to that, but that's a discussion in itself.) But to expect the system to instill it in everyone, is unfair.

Chazak ve'ematz! Good Shabbos!

Today was 16 - Great and Holy Shabbos!

My wife and I talked about the role of a woman who with wisdom - builds her home, and keeps watch over her husband and boys.
She told me to look at an article but that there was "nothing else for me" in the paper - referring to stuff I should not see. I told her how I appreciated her help.
Unfortunately, she was supposed to go to the mikve tonight, and the afternoon check was no good! So back to day one (after more than a month of this!)

I have some insights:
1. The mitzva of counting for tahara is very similar to many of the messages on this site. The goal is to have an unbroken streak of cleanliness - only then can you be considered tahor. A little stain in those sensitive days - resets the whole count.

2. My reaction when she told me, was not at all like previous times: a feeling like "Oh maybe I'll go look at something else interesting..." rather, a calm feeling of acceptance. I think I owe this to the self control gained through GUE.

3. I feel that this extra nisayon, is a way to gain more strength, and zchut through tshuva - by accepting it with Love of my wife and of HaShem. I thank HaShem for this opportunity to serve him, by keeping the mitzva of Nidda.

4. Maybe on the other hand, it is easier (in terms of statying clean) to be out of the picture of taava, rather than in and out. Sort of like someone wrote that a bachur can more easliy keep clean and progress than some married men. Palti ben Layish meBachurim... (He valiantly stayed away from sinning with Michal)
So I'll have some more time to contemplate this...

You're handling of the situation is AWE-INSPIRING! If you keep this attitude up, you'll go really high!





I think that there's not one clear truth to this question. It probably depends on each individual person and each individual situation.

But if Hashem made this happen to you, then it is clearly EXACTLY what you need!

Chazak Ve'ematz!

Chaim, sorry I haven't had time to follow your thread as much as I would want to. I just read some of it now and I am so impressed at your attitude and strength. The wife being assur is an excellent time to build up strength, as Chazal say, "the less you feed it, the less you need it".

I updated your chart now, MAZAL TOV on reaching Level 3!

KUTGW!

Today was 17

I was able to keep my eyes to myself in town, and keep up my commitment to look down at my Tzitzit (with tchelet) every time a hihur crosses my mind.
I am experiencing a greater sense of clam which is helping my dovening and learning.

Looking at the cybersex attraction as an addiction has helped me immensely. I researched a little and some definitions helped me understand how triggers, and acting out - works. (or doesn't work!)


I was wondering if anyone has insights into the general nature of addictions, that includes all the things that we can't stop at will.
Like -

biting fingernails
Scratching pimples
Drinking coffee

These are little things that get in the way, but do not directly violate Religious laws or morals.

Should we be able to control all of these urges - and others?

chaim heilige tzaddik

one thing at a time

ok I'll take it easy, I'm on board for a long ride, I'l need strength for the most important challenges.
thanks for calmng me down

Today was 18!
that's chai =
I am proud to be alive for these 18 days, thanks to you guys and this site - a sense of control and calm I haven't had for a long time.
I would like to warn about a possible pitfall, when looking up S** addiction stuff, some stories can get me thinking in the wring, arousal mode. So I just click out, and remember that I have to stay clean, and put off my urge to understand everything about the addiction (etz hadaas)

I am inspireed  by you all
thanks

Today was 20had some weak urgs abstained from looking on purpose. feeling watchful and careful. thanks to you all - dovening for you

Chart updated!

Keep up the good work, you are a very inspiring person.