I've had the same experience.  That's why I'm waiting breathlessly for Boruch to start already with the online step work so he can hopefully explain HOW this works.  No pressure Boruch 

Today is day 7

Very very good! I even had to go to center of town, and was able to avoid or look away, or Baruch HaShem I have glasses I can take off - no contact lenses for me!
This is getting easier and I don't want to let you guys down - So I appreciate your replies to keep me aware that you're pulling with me.

The matter of letting the whole thing - Let Go and let G-d vs. keeping track can be illustrated with a common downfall (previously!) of my addicted self: (the banter in my head goes something like this:)

"Wow! Isn't that so terrible the way that lady is dressed! I can't beliieve someone would dress like that in public. Maybe I didn't see correctly? So I'll look again just to make sure... nope I was right that is really not proper to be so bare...

That could lead latter to checking out a site which features that particle of clothing that "offended" my "righteous" indignation... and so on
The same for "checking" reading materials for "bad" parts and then getting caught up in reading them, when I knew that the author or publisher surely put things like that in

So isn't it better just to say:
"this stuff is not for me - I am letting go"  "I am not interested" and the just turn away...

Do I have to count how many times I fought the YH? Or is that one of his tricks to keep the "partnership" with me going, untill he manages to sell me some of HIS wares...

But maybe not keeping track is haughty and overconfident, like feeling I'll never fall... ooops

What do you think?
Chaim

holy chaim
listen up the craziest thing about the thing we are suffering from is called curiosity

now curiosity as an end is now problem people are naturally curious

but but.. there is always a but

but the Y"H takes this natural intinct and uses it to TRIGGER us

if you realize this yesod it can help you

I discusssed this with dov yesterday in bardichevs battle

wome will ALWAYS get your attention either you divert your attention QUICKLY
or do things not to be put in the situation

h&H
b

heiliger chaim iam not a novi some people think im a REBBE even that I'm not

but.. but,, you must see todays shemiras einayim chizuk list

The Shmiras Ainayim Chizuk List - #155

bardichev

Dearest Hero Hoping and Dearest Brother Chaim,
Here is my 2 cents
The concept of "letting go and Letting G-d" is a cross between  "hashliech el Hashem yhovcha" Throw unto Hashem your bundles of burden, let Him carry it!!! And the concept of lo ulechah hamlucha ligmor vee ata ben chorin l'hipater mmena" the job is not for you to complete but neither to you have the freedom to give it up.

In other words all the Ribono- shelOlom asks for us is to do what we are able to do.period. in our case this means don't take that second look or click on that site or link that we know from experience is not for us  look at.

After that "Let G-d" not to worry,  let Him do the rest, let Him carry the "Peklach"!!!

u probably know the dubnos moshol.....

Ah now u ask me how to internalize this.........this I have not mastered;) and cannot tell u;). The only thing I know works for me and calms me down is when I tell myself that I'm doing all I possibly can and I'm just a wee bit actor in the Almighty's show, He is the producer and  all I need to do is "play"my small part by doing what He wants me to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

It seems that the 12 steps "chaburah kadisha" are the masters at putting this  into actual practice.
Huh Reb Dov?Reb London?Reb Boruch?What do u say?

Chevra tieyereh.....Ish es reyaihu yazoiru u'luchiv yomar chazak D)
Keep sharing
Humbly yours
NB

Day 8
I thank for this site to positively ocupy and strengthen me at times  when I have fallen in the past
Shabbos is a great example of how total shut off keeps me clean - no surfing, no falling. plus  of course the added kedusha

gut shabbos
chaim

NB- Thanks for the Chizuk. You have hit the problem on the head Internalization has been difficult for me and just acting the part is good but I tend to think it isn't sufficient.

Day 9 went very well


Shabbos, no computer
pAPERS
streets scenes
just Torah & Tfillla
chaim - being alive
hope to keep it

Keep up the good work Chaim, you are inspiring us all!

Do you want to join all the great warriors on the 90-day wall of honor? Check out the rules here.

BTW. How is your progress going through the handbooks?




Bardichev, when I saw your post, I was sure you mentioned that BECAUSE of that day's Chizuk e-mail. Now I see that it must have been Ruach Hakodesh! Do you take Kvittlach?

Hi Chaim, welcome home!

The Gemoroh says in B"K מבעה זה האדם a person is ratzon. Hashem -who controls absolutely everything, gave us one thing: RATZON, that and nothing else. The more ratzon you have [for ex: to stay clean for 90 days] the more you are living. But if you think that YOU have the ability to control the y"h, then you're in trouble. Letting go doesn't mean c"v to cool off your ratzon. Rather it means to rely totaly on Hashem that HE will give you hatzlochoh!

The result of that is -like the Chovos Halvovos says, מנוחת נפש הבוטח -total calmness. The y'h and especialy the addiction thrives on stress. But once you have bitachon he's a goner, because not only does the stress dissapear but you actually automaticly get the siyata dishmaya that you need. (How and why is a whole discussion in itself)




This is so true. In fact, this is our mission in life. We most definitely have to focus on it and always be proactive. {In fact the same people who say "Let go..." also say to be very very involved.}




In my humble opinion this is a different issue. I personally have a lot of experience with this particular trick of the dirty despicable vicious menuval. First of all it needs to be exposed for what it is. Once you realize that it's the menuvals tactic, you can conciously avoid it.
It's also very important to recognize that you're an addict. Because the fact that you're an addict obviously gives you a blanket פטור from being mashgiach on everyone else problems. You just have to explain to the y"h that Hashem has other people to take care of these things; you have an official exemption.

But I don't think it has to do with letting go. Ad'raba part of taking action is avoiding triggers.

Hatzlochoh Raboh! and Chazak Ve'ematz!

hoping wrote on 18 Jun 2009 12:27:

At this point, I would see the 90 day chart as an aid and not as a goal. Only you know your strenghts and weaknesses and what may be a doable goal. Why don't you make a shorter goal, one that you know that is challengieng yet doable and then work one day at a time? Even if you fall, you can then have the challenge of beating your prior record.

I myself with the Y'H's help have the tendency to "bundle" my targets and if I fail in one then everything comes down. I am learning to "compartmentalize" and have in my mind separate target charts. Should chas v'shalom I fail in one area I should still keep being on target in any other areas.
Hope I am clear.

Yakov Yosef, that is very wise!

Today is day 10
Baruch HaShem - I had to stay home and use the computer today, and it has been Going well!
I took note of the posts about curiosity, and am able to just CUT and leave anything that is a challenge.

I think that there is a general YH of having to "just finish this one page" or when called away - repliying automatically "just one minute" which very well leads into a long while .
This pressure I feel to finish before doing something else, is the same type of energy of just having to have one more LOOK at the Lust stuff before returning to sanity. Of course this is my well known feeling of downfall.

This is what the Mesilas Yesharim (zehirus)  refers to as Azas Par'o - the Yetzer wanting us to work very hard (Amercian=Puritan work ethic?) and not have time to think about our WAYS.
That means that anytime I feel pressured - I am not Zahir! The Ramchal says it's impossible to be zahir when I am so concerned about work.
That is why I fall so frequently when pressured. This angle is in addition to the element of pressure driving me to seek some solace and "warm, comforting" feeling which mistakenly I seek from virtual fake pictures of "love".


That is tremendous material for Cheshbon Nefesh. I hope to stay connected with real feelings of real people that I need and need me. The warmth from real deep encounters with friends - is true solace.
Thank's for your replies

Today is day 11
Baruch HaShem, I was in control of my eyes on the street, including avoiding problems from afar.

I am using the computer, and have been able to resist the clicks on the side of the Yahoo mail - even tho I know that My filter won't let them open - but I used to start a bad streak by "just" checking if the filter was working, and then eventually opening the code, and getting into TROUBLE.
Also, I did look - on purpose -  at a video of the Iran Riots briefly, without looking around for anything more "juicy" in the area...

better not to click.
I have RIMON on the SHAMUR level, which is very good, and I don't get into trouble unless I change the settings to the lower status. My wife insisted on having the possibilility so that she wouldn't get stuck when shopping. THe good thing about RIMON that even if it is on it's lowest level - there is no Porn, tho' it is not a proper level for erlich religious people.

i have mentioned to my wife in the past that I wanted to change the code, and only let her know it - but She said - if you don't want to look at something - so don't. She doesn't know about my "past" problem, probably only has a feeling that something is strange when I was so occupied on line. And I don't think I should tell her.
She is not so computer wise - and won't like having to memorize another code, and the hassle.
What should I do?

Gutten Chodesh
I Pray this month will be totally clean
Chaim
In any case, there are neighbors who for whatever reason don't have filters or codes on their WIFI - so I could get access to them if I so wanted (which I have in the past...) So maybe she's right.

heiliger chaim

no pressure maybe consider a video free day or week

this was boruch hashem my lifesaver no video

the first  video I watched in 3 months wasthe one the HEILIGER GUARD sent me

video is the most stimulating medium

If you don"t feed it - you don't need it!!

humble and happy
bardichev