I have had some close calls again, but am hanging on. What a monster I am, so slow to train. Assa the king was a tzaddik and he made his mother MaAcha stop her Monsterous activity (miflatzta). Real low behavior on her part as Chazal say.
I don't like blaming, but sometime realizing that a bit of the monster inside us is carried down from the generations above. Anachnu vaAvoseinu Chatanu. So I have a part in me which is addicted to pleasure in the wrong way - it has do to with the way my mother raised me, and where she came from. (ben 9 middos among them ben Niddah)
My main point is to realize how deep these inclinations can be, so I have to dig deep and strong and persevere.

I haven't been successful getting a accountability partner, in Israel, for instant messaging, SMS. When I need chizuk - it is Nurah bei Amram. Anyone interested and able please send a message to my box.
I don't want to lose this great streak of Tahara.

I found going in the Sukka keeps me in line BH, so if I have that bit of saneness - well the Shechina is everywhere, the Sukka just helps us feel closer. I hope to continue the lesson all year.

today is 89
I can say keep me clean today HaShem
I have settled on a level which is comfortable, and many notches higher than my former behavior.

I have been more successful at NOT checking on what other people in my family have done on the internet, as that is an excuse to look further. I am not totally clear on this point. ONe thing I saw here is that at this point I am Patur from helping others as I am engaged in getting myself strong and vibrantly clean.

I am a bit disappointed with the Kesher on other's part, I haven't found any accountablity partner that I can talk to immediately.
I am thinkg already about the NEXT 90 DAYS.

I will add a bit to the trigger of what constitutes a fall FOR ME, and go up a bit.
I hope to stay clean today and make it to the 90th tommorrow
THanks

beautiful! Hashem is kvelling with nachas

i like your methodical approach. slow and easy always works best. keep up the great work. you show us that IT CAN BE DONE. keep on inspiring.

ה' יעזור לך שתוכל לסיים את ה90 יום הראשונות הנקיות,
אני בעצמי מתרגש ממך, כמעט יורדות לי דמעות,
ה' יעזור גם לי להתחיל את הדרך הזה
ונוכל ביחד להתחזק באהבתו וביראתו אמן.

Baruch HaShem!
I am still clean. I DO feel a lesser pull on me to act out, tho' there are still some issues. Yes, I am not an angel - even tho' I made the 90 days.

A relative of mine asked me - how can I break a bad habit (of watching movies every day). They started to say, well I will stop for a month etc. I replied - Just don't do it TODAY. One day.

I am still dealing with urges to take a peek at stuff I shouldn't (like someone walking down the street) so I force myself to look away BEFORE they come into clear sight.
I would like to clear the issue of NOT having to police my family, recently I got wind of the fact that my son had disappointed me -and himself - by accessing some bad facebook material and other bad stuff.
He admits that I have been very understanding, We went out to eat and spent time together, instead of going to school. I said - this issue is more important than school today.
He professed a will to stop listening to bad phone calls, and the bad sites (not X but still not good) we even got to the topic of MAST*** which he wants to stop.

He is still struggling, and we are close, but it is his struggle. I still check the computer after he is on, and have access to his mail (he doesn't know). Is this part of my responsibility? If this brings me to linger a tad in a place I shoudn't - should I break with it all?

Chaim,

I just started reading your thread today. You may know, I am in my early twenties and have been battling this SA since I was 12 yrs old.

I just wanted you to know how lucky your son is to have a father like you. Someone who is sincere in his avodas hashem, who is reaching inspiring heights in an effort to attain kedusha and tahara, and someone who is being just as sensitive to similar growth for his children. I love my father but he never spoke to me about such issues... like NEVER... With your sincerity and concern for your son, I am sure he will truly grow up to be an eved HaKadosh Baruch Hu and a sensitive talmid chacham.

Hatzlacha for you and your beautiful family.

אני מאד מודה לך על ההערכה, כל אחד לפי המדרגה שלו יכול לעלות ולהשתפר.
שאלתי את רב נבנצל, אם יש לו חיזוק בענין של שמירת ענייים, הוא אמר לי שאם אדם מסתכל 100 פעמים ופעם אחת הוא כובש את יצרו ולא מסתכל - זה דבר יקר מאד.
אל תתן לדברים הלא טובים להעיב על הדברים הטובים שאתה עושה.
לבסוף, הם יצטרפו לשינוי מורגש וממשי.
המשך להתחזק, ולחיות חיים רגישים

You are right, it helps to have understanding relatives. I am still stymied by his lack of apparent change. I reply to myself by saying that 1. Patience is vital, look how long it took me to change. 2. a small change - even tho' I can't notice it - is VERY important, especially because HE expressed a desire to change. 3. It is HIS struggle, he isn't  a shadow of mine, and I can't look at him being my way to save myself. I have to step back and let him find the path. The opposite (being overbearing and TOO helpful) is the best way to ruin it for him. At 16 he is struggling with things that are similar than in my day, but still there is a leve of decadance that I never knew.
I pray for him often.

THanks Dovek for your chizuk, I pray you make continued progress. The path HaShe gave you is for your best. If you can't make peace with your father now, at least be very aware of his voice within you, and make peace with that.
be ALive and well

So gue's
Yesterday I lost control and was involved in stuff - not for me. I decided to be machmir on my level, after reaching 90 a few weeks ago, and I didn't keep up to my standards.
I think this is correct, because I KNOW that I was not in control.

I am happy to say that I am on a different level than before I started this journey, much more aware and sensitive, but I want to keep sharp and really clear about what I want.

I got pressured and bored and sought out some type of entertainment, this was in my heart, and when I saw a little flashing ad - I followed, and didn't really break that train of thought for a while. I even stopped (the computer stalled...) and went back on my inquisitive journey... for stupid stuff that is silly when I think about it, but that's the difference between sober and drunk.

I don't want to even look for junk, even tho' I know I won't be successful, the filter will stop it, and I won't stare at anything r rated - the looking for it - is the real fall. The glimpse and anticipation are the flames of impure LUST.

Let GO and Let G-d help me be absolutly clean today.

well, back to day one.
I had a bout with a better level that I know I should be on, and last night I fell all the way back to my previous low.
Now I am going to REALLY start a new 90 days.

Just bored, and tired, and instead of "putting myself to sleep" I needed something to calm me down. Well I used my cell phone and the filter I had - did not do a good job at ALL.
This jaunt kept me busy for over an hour, by the end of which I had lost all boosha from my previous levels.

Davka that day, I had kept myself at aby by putting off the itch, but I wasn't strong enough.

Now in the morning it seems so different of course, but then I said - "what the heck", and thought some unclear thought like - you already fell from the new level, so at least enjoy it! WHoa. not good.

I am clearer than before, but wasn't able to overcome the slide. I get the chizuk e-mails, but am not really moved by them.
I did like tho the very last one with the idea of levels, I was hit by the fact that my assumed level is a bit worse than I thought according to the definitions there. Ahem, I seem to be fooling myself...

In spite of the fact that I can help many, I haven't YET been able to lick the habit.


I would like a Israel Time Buddy, who I can SMS or cellphone call.
I am disappointed that the GYEs have not found one for me yet, I would be willing to invest time in the relationship.
I am also disappointed with the responses on the forum to my posts.
I understand...

My dear friend, I'm sorry to hear about your fall, but glad to hear that you're still determined to keep growing! We all tend to fool ourselves a bit (or more than a bit, perhaps), the key is to learn as we go.

What did you learn from this last fall that you can use in the future? What could you do differently next time?

There are plenty of people here in israel, and altohugh many of us may not be actively looking for a partner, you can make friends with someone here on GYE, and from there, ask them if they're OK with you being in touch with them by phone or SMS.

Another word of advice: I know how disappointing it is when people don't respond to your posts. I've certainly gone through some very frustrating times when I felt i was being ignored. However, one of the only ways to really improve that is to reach out to others. Post, post, post! Post here, consistently, but also give other people here encouragement, ask questions, share your insight. you may be busy, and it may be difficult to find the time, but I think that your life is worth the investment! I know that it's certainly easier for me to respond more to people who post on my thread, and if nothing else, it's a reminder. And, as an added gain, it makes you a part of the community, so you feel like you're a part of something even on the days when no one responds to your thread!

Chaim, sorry to hear about your fall.

it is great that you will work to make new safeguards and ways to help yourself. as SilentBattle said, the best way to get real people to connect with is by 'connecting'. meaning that you should post on the forum to others, give encouragement, ideas and objectivity. as you 'meet' more people you will find those with whom you can identify more closely.

hatzlacha with that, i found that sharing with people, both on the forum and even more so off the forum, lets me accept my situation and deal with it with a lot more sanity.

Today has been ok.
Thanks for the replies Silent & zmiros!

I learned about how to read a meter of approaching fall CHVShalom better.
I see that my eyes stray a bit more on the street and linger too long, when I have been regularly avoiding totally. I see that I am bored and tired and looking for some energy.

I also changed my learning schedule, and that has left me with different times free. I used to have a neder to not search for ANYTHING for the 2 hours that were most dangerous, for the zchut of someone. That worked.
Bli neder.I will keep this until Purim.

1. No Cellphone web.
2. anytime I get the itch to just peek and check if the filter is working etc, I will put it off even thinking about it untill tommorrow after Shacharis. This will be a zchut for the Firefighters injured last week.
If they can fight fire - so can I.

great to hear you are working at being aware and making safeguards, hatzlacha with those!

I am doing pretty well.
Having a real time Israel Chaver is Very Good - very recommended especially if you have someone like Blind Beggar - my buddy who is caring and responsible.
I like getting real time reminders to be clear, and having the possibility to call when troubled.


I have an issue with a son who has slipped, and I have responsibility to keep him in line. I have been very understanding, but I have started to be harder. I told him stories about people who I know who carried their secrets for many years being weighed down by them. I shook him up.
I hope to get him to go on the hebrew forum.


I see that my sadness for my son, keeps me from even wanting to go to bad thoughts. It is a bit of seriousness against the kalut rosh of straying thoughts.


Be well men