Day 66 posting… day 1 clean…

If any of you are hesitant about reaching out to a mentor, I’d highly suggest taking the leap. I finally did last night and am happy I did

Day 67 posting… day 2 clean

Day 68 posting… day 3 clean… 
please Hashem let me stay clean through yt

Day 69 posting… day 0 clean…

im not upset though… had my longest streak in a long long time. Today was day 6. 6 5+ days completely clean. No poking or anything. But just couldn’t win today. It was a battle I could’ve and should’ve won, but the fact that I’m having those battles on day 6 feeling like I have a chance to beat it instead off just giving up because “I’ve been clean for so long” just shows that bh im making great progress

Day 70 posting… day 1 clean

Day 71 posting… day 2 clean…

Day 72 posting… day 1 clean…

bh no p though, full week clean from that

Day 73 posting… day 0 clean…
still no p bh

Day 74 posting… day 1 clean

Posting here for accountability…

just made a stupid decision which led to a terrible fall. Feeling awful. Had a nice little clean streak from p that’s now shattered. And now have m 3 days in a row. Honestly right now feels like I’m falling apart. I’m trying to remember and appreciate the fact that I went 10 clean days from p(best since I started all of this years ago). But that’s not the dominant feeling. Just pain.
And I don’t understand. I whispered an extra tefillah by maariv asking Hashem for help to quit P. So how on the night of my extra tefillah do I fall. And this tefillah was BEFORE I made that stupid decision. 
Something doesn’t add up Hashem. 

לילה טוב brothers I’m committing right now that tomorrow b”h will be 100% clean. 

Day 75 posting… day 1 clean

We're rooting for you. No tefillah is wasted. After 120 we're going to see mountains of s'char from the times things were hard and we showed Hashem how much we love Him by getting up again and again...and again.

Might be worth it also to try to understand how much Hashem loves you? Is this something you've looked into?

My friend, I'm sorry for the slipping, really not geshmak

I hope you are in a place where you can hear what I write here

We are not Hashem's accountants. Ever. Of course, mitzvois bring zechusim, and aveirois take them away, there's a din and cheshbon for every action, but what exactly that is, only He knows.
When we mess up, I believe it totally wrong to say that "this bad thing happened to me because I messed up". Yes, if we don't do teshuva there will be consequences, but what they will be, what they will look like, unless you have Ruach HaKoidesh, how can you know?

And the same is true for zechusim.
Of course, every time we daven, every time we do good things, we increase our zechusim we will be rewarded, but what, where and how, that only He knows. It is wrong to 'make deals' with Hashem, because we know nothing of what we need and what is really good for us. Let alone knowing what we truly deserve.

So, my dear friend, your zechusim are wonderful, your teffilois are very powerful. But don't make the mistake of thinking that you know what the result will be

We also have to know, Hashem gives us ko'ach, He even saves us from ourselves, but how much? Were you expecting Hashem to take away your bechira?

Day 76 posting… day 2 clean…

Thank you both for the chizzuk. I truly value and appreciate your encouragement and friendship. 
I know Hashem loves me. I know because I’ve looked for the signs and he’s showed them to me. He’s constantly showing them to me.  Sadly recently my mindset has been focused primarily on my lack of success in shidduchim, and that’s blinded me and numbed me from appreciating all the incredible goodness that Hashem literally gives me every day. I have ba”h everything I have ever asked for right now(besides my wife ofc lol). I remember before getting back to America that I had an image of what I wanted to do and how I wanted my schedule to look. And purely out of love, Hashem has given me pretty much exactly that. I also believe that he does not need to. That it’s all a MASSIVE chessed and I don’t truly deserve it all. So I know it’s coming from love.
But then the aspect of girls comes into play and it feels like he’s teasing me. Like literally sticking his tongue out.  Rubbing it in that I have to see my childhood crush’s husband every day. A girl that genuinely seemed like a good fit for me. (Not to mention that she was dating for a while only to get engaged right after I get home and started dating myself.) 

Putting things into perspective I should be the happiest guy in the world right now. That’s currently my avodah. I’m really working on it. And bh there’s been a significant mood improvement the last few weeks, big shoutout Rav Eerie for your part in that  
Yes I don’t know hashems plan. 
It’s true that he has one for me. 
So I will keep doing my best to just trust him. 

sytv2002 wrote on 10 Jun 2025 15:09:

Yes, that is painful indeed, the odds are he's a doddering, lightweight buffoon who doesn't deserve her.

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