I'm back to posting after this 2 week break, with several mini falls. Its been a rough sefirah after an almost 180 day great stretch. Those 180 days felt accomplishing and was quite impressive, but also a letdown when life just got harder.
I'm trying to keep expressing my hard feelings and my physical desires to Hashem - "velo chasachta". That is a yirei Hashem - not to hide from or deny the feelings or quash the desires, but to let Hashem know I am aware He gave them to me and I don't know how to manage them on my own. Also not to have one area I keep holding onto as one area I want on my terms, even if it is to help me deal with the challenges of life.
I am editing out my long post. Just in short - life has really been not easy for a very long time. I trust Hashem will pull me out of this. Hashem, please give me reason to keep trusting and not give up.