BHB, thanks for responding to my post and offering insight. I want to go through your post at a later time slowly and digest. I read through it hastily now but you seem to be a really smart, thought out, and well worded individual. Thanks for replying.

I had my first accountability session and although I didnt score 100% on the first day on my goals, I am making progress and moving forward. No falls, and nothing innapropriate, BH. 

Shabbat Shalom u'Mevorach

BH so far so good, I even tried to unblock my YouTube but thankfully it didnt work.
Still keeping up with my accountability partner.
ונזכה כולנו יחד לאורו בחג הקדוש הזה זמן מתן תורתינו הק' עם כל אחינו בני ישראל בקדושה ובטהרה אמן כן יהי רצון
I think its a good idea to show Hashem we are serious about connecting to him through the תורה by being מקבל a small קבלה, and specifically in תורה שבעל פה, because thats where חז"ל say we have כריתת ברית (thereby a true connection to Hashem in a sense more than תורה שבכתב). I am being מקבל בלי נדר a certain לימוד in גמרא for this year, I hope other gye yidden join me with a small kabalah to strengthen their learning of their own.

Clean in regards to Yom Tov. I kept up my learning pledge as well.

Still clean.
Im going to try to hold myself accountable that unless I have specific urges not to post on the site more than 1 - 2 times a week. Otherwise the threads can be a big distraction and time waster for me. Its like withdrawl symptoms from online entertainment and Im using GYE as a substitute. Same for logging in. 
I think the main thing for me is having an accountability partner.
The above is what I need personally, and doesn't necessarily have to do with anyone else.
Peace to all.

I think Im still on track but I had an incident last night. 
I have a tablet which has basically nothing on it although there is an app to check stocks.
Some news and ads pop up and there was an innapropriate one with several pics. I began to stare and do stuff I shouldnt have done. But no P or M.
So I think Im gonna keep my count and move on. 
I have since deleted the app and I cant get it back easily.

I fell.
Frustrating.
Started over.

Ouch, I can relate to much to the frustration get back up, sweet days are about to come 

I fell a couple of days ago and was very embarrased, even to post on this anonymous thread. I also didn't reach out to Yechida, who is keeping up with my struggle. I mustered up the guts and called Yechida. Since then I feel better. Starting fresh. I unblocked and have since re-blocked YouTube. (Seems like a cycle...) 
Starting fresh.
He shared with me a clip from R' Moshe Weinberger basically saying your not a hypocrite even if youv'e struggled and fallen, you are still on the good side and having a hard time. (I understand it that as long a syou still feel bad and not comfortable about doing aveiros - specifically innapropriate things - then your still on Hashem's side and fighting the good fight)

Back on board so far BH

Ugh. Back to zero. I acted stupidly and gave in to an urge so quickly. dumb. I saw something helpful about using mindfulness and identifying the feeling of an urge, naming it, sourcing it. Anyone relate to this helping them?

Meenwhile, I also have to learn (more) because like the רמב"ם says, only in a לב thats פנוי מן החכמה and not immersed in the מי הדעת can מחשבות that are indecent enter...

I feel like a disgusting garbage bag. And a weak one too. Ugh!

Your self loathing is uncalled for. It's normal to fall. Better to keep on learning Torah rather than beating yourself up. You aren't a disgusting garbage bag you're a normal person. I'm struggling too, and I don't feel a need to feel like a garbage bag. Imagine a close friend was going through this, would you call him a garbage bag?

The yetzer hara would love for you to keep feeling like a disgusting weak garbage bag. Although it is counterintuitive it is best to put those thoughts behind you. Do something positive and constructive and focus your thoughts on that.

Best wishes for continued success
Vehkam

Thank you to MC and Vehkam for the advice and chizzuk.

MC thats a good point I would never talk to a friend that way...I think cuz I feel like I know myself more and I should be doing better?...I think thats why I beat myself up. Im also afraid of getting fried in hell. I think that the beating up comes from that. Even though at the time of doing the wrong thing, my lust is very powerful and pushes away the frying in hell thought. Does this make sense?

I concede that its not productive and I should do something positive.

My Rosh yeshiva said that as soon as we decide we do not want do the aveira again the teshuvah is chal. That's why Yom Kippur works even if we will eventually sin again. Teshuvah bein Adam lamakom isn't complicated, especially in this area where Hashem gives our generation a lot of slack. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh with my words. Please forgive me verbally and in uour heart, and Hashem will surely forgive you.

Even if you know yourself, you are your own best friend and shouldn't talk to yourself that way. It could be that other people talked to you that way in other areas and that is why you are talking to yourself this way. I'm not sure.

mountainclimb wrote on 06 Jul 2025 17:18:

No need to ask forgivness! I dont think anyone talked that way to me...maybe some childhood trauma...I dunno. I just am the type that has lofty goals and am dissapointed in myself in general. So קו"ח in this area, I feel bad that Im in the mud...I feel like I have to accomplish alot in Torah and that will help me get out of this and also not to feel like a nothing.

Sorry, Im just saying my feelings. That's how I feel...