Mazel Tov Ovadia. You da man! 8)

I don't know how to say this, but I have to. Just fell. I am in shock with myself. I will post again when I pull myself together.

Mazel Tov on your honesty, my friend.

Please stick with us. I can only imagine your pain, and I know that you're already learning from your experience.

Hi Ovadia, how are things?

Hey man, I fell too. I fell cos I procrastinated, so I fell - I wanted to be honest, so I am... This is what I think, hope you're ok man. Do you know why it happened?

Thank you all for your concern. I appreciate it as always.
Day 3 and I am still shocked and amazed that I fell. No, not because I was so confident that I had overcome the Y”H, but as time went on it seemed that I had got the whole idea of lust out of my system. It is just beyond me. Why, why would I do something that I just don’t want to do? And that is what makes it so unnerving, because I know that the tiniest slip and the end is almost certain.
At the moment I feel spiritually numb and very vulnerable. It takes time to refocuse, to build the reinforcements over again. It takes Kochos, spiritual and emotional and in the meantime I feel very confused, and one of the problems with feeling confused and unfocused is that it is almost impossible to have any control over my eyes.
Here is something which I wrote on that fateful day but I never posted it. I don’t know why, but I am posting it now:
So what made me fall? I have thought about it a lot and I really cannot think of any emotional reason which caused me to act out. Maybe I have been very tired lately because of the heat here in EY and that has made it difficult for me to learn and daaven properly which is normally somewhat of a preventative. What I do know caused it was not controlling my eyes. Over the last two weeks here in Erets Yisroel the weather has become very hot which of course means that in certain places there is terrible Pritzus. When I hear on the weather forecast that tomorrow will be very hot, I know that I am in for a hard one. And over time it begins to affect me. At the end of last week I could feel the old feelings coming back and even though I made it, by the time I got back to work yesterday my defenses were down. I had opened for myself again the possibility of sinning. Now I am remembering the powerful attitude tools for when one has already slipped and controls oneself. Maybe if I would have remembered yesterday it would have prevented me.
There is one more point which I have to make, because I feel that I have to be honest. Yes, after I fell I took the “opportunity” to go all the way (or as far as my filter would let me). 
Anyway I just feel in shock. I don’t think that I realized that I am soooooooo vulnerable, that the Y”H can get me so easily. Ok so now I carry on, but do I need to change something or is this all part of it?

i cannot answer the question as to what needs to be done in the future to prevent it from recurring and i am suspect that it is not really possible to prevent it entirely. i will leave that to the more experienced people here.
but this episode can serve as a reminder to me and to everyone else here that even if one reached 90 days, 120, 200, 1000 etc. it does not preclude the possibility of falling. it might reduce the urge somewhat and provide you with more of a mental block or aversion to it but it does not take away the option. we always have to be on-guard. we can never rest on our laurels thinking that i am done with it. pretty basic but the basics are what need to be reviewed most, as the Mesilas Yesharim writes.
so reb Ovadia, here is something of a small silver lining for this, it can be a reminder to us all not to let down our guard (literally and figuratively ).
and as Dov pointed out, your honesty is impressive.

ovadia wrote on 10 Jun 2010 10:01:


Congratulations. You now know that you are a bit different than you thought you were, so you obviously must treat yourself a bit differently if you are to make it. Ovadia, meet the real Ovadia. This is cause for celebration! Anything else is just more lies, right? So be happy shehigianu lazman hazeh!!

Hi Ovadia, I'm only 13 days clean.  About a week ago I felt numb, and that the yh had stopped bothering me.  Last few days I notice I'm starting to double-look, and fantasies are hanging around.  And then I read your post.  You've helped me.  I won't go into the details cuz this ain't about me.  But you helped, and I wanted you to know.

What's between you and you and between you and H" is one thing.  But between you and me I can tell you that I appreciate that you are here posting so that we can learn from you, your honesty, and love of H". 

So it's up with you now.  Dust off.  I read that Reebe Nachman used to go someplace private and just talk to Hashem in his native language, Yiddish.  Just talk things over.  Not really formal davening.  Just a talk.

Please keep letting us know how you are.

Thanks guys for the chizuk. I wish I could tell ypu all that this stage has passed and that all your input has paid off, but the going is still pretty rough.
This is what I wrote this morning on my way to work.

"1 week.
Spiritual barometer is low.
Feeling physically and emotionally weak, and I am out of schedule, so it is difficult to be focused.
Slipped last night. Nearly a fall. Maybe it was a fall. I tried something which I haven’t tried for a long time. I knew that it wouldn’t work, but I still tried it. (B"H it did not work)
It doesn’t help that the summer sights are getting worse.
I don’t think that I want to act out, but I know that it only takes one moment of weakness and I will lose myself.
I am beginning to think that maybe I haven’t taken GYE seriously enough. I have never really accepted that I am addicted, just that sometimes I cannot control myself and 90 days would cure me. Maybe I have been wrong, or maybe this is just a normal phase.
What should  I be doing? Any Eitzos? Thanks"

Once again I really appreciate your "listening".

I am writing this on my way home from work; another bad day on which I had a fall.
I don’t want to write this. More than I feel that I have failed myself I feel that I have failed GYE and all the caring people here. It seems that GYE has replaced my Yetzer Tov because it seems that the only cheshbon which I have is: what am I going to write on the forum? Is that good? I don’t know. Obviously my own conscience is not strong enough to stop me and at this point neither does GYE, so where do I turn now?
On my way out of the office I downloaded the handbooks again. I realize now that I need a more powerful overhaul. It just seems so ridiculous, so out of proportion. It can’t take that much to overcome it! I did it for a long stretch. What changed? Also I don’t feel that I am such an addict. It really cannot be that serious and yet it is.
As I write this I feel that now I am “using” GYE to make me feel better. I don’t want to feel better. I want to feel that I have really done something wrong.
I am sorry for writing like this. I am just very frustrated. On the one hand it seems that I don’t care enough to stop myself. On the other hand, even now after I have done it, I am only upset with the fact that I could not control myself, that I gave in, that I am a wimp. But the aveira itself does not disturb me too much.
Even though I want to get out of this rut it is only because I feel such a failure and I hate being a failure. I feel that I need to change my attitude. That I should want to be a better person, a more complete person. Please! How do I get out of this hole?

Day I again.
The old pattern is back. Daavening this morning was more intense than usual. Sort of to make up with HaShem ; and probably to make myself feel better. But I know that this is not is what is going to make me stop. One moment of weakness and all the intensity goes to the wind.
I realize now that (one of) my mistakes last week was that since I passed 90 last time I stopped counting each day. I have to refocus into counting each day as an achievement in itself, even if that particular day was not a struggle.
One thing seems to be clear. Round two is definitely more difficult that round one. The Y”H knows all the new tricks. He knows that GYE is not a novelty anymore and that I do not take as much time to read the chizuk emails or the handbooks as I used to. Now I have to pick up the pieces and that is hard.
The truth is that a fall in these issues normally goes together with falls in other areas. Lately I have been getting up late which messes up my learning schedule.  Nothing too terrible but it all adds up.

Thank you Ovadia, you have helped me tremendously. Sad as I am to read about your troubles, it appears to me that you are in a good frame of mind overall and that things appear very hopeful for a good day for you today.

The davening being more intense I see as a part of my sickness after using lust. Not c"v to imply at all that davening with unusually much kavonoh is a bad thing in any way. It's just that in the context of a 'fall', fervent davening - as you wrote - often takes the place (in our psyche) of some kind of 'makeup game'. And there isno making up, no escape from the facts of what we did and what we do, no games. We need to be clean now- nothing in the past is really relevant to true recovery but how we are right now. (Except with respect to admitting our powerlessness based upon our track record). That we will get better 'tomorrow' or 'in the future' has been our most common nechoma - a bad nechoma that becomes and excuse. There is nothing awesome we can do today that will prove somehow that we are really great - if we do sick stuff, we are sick! No matter what other awesome and Holy stuff we also do.

Thanks for reminding me! Sorry for going off a bit...

I see a systemic problem in the way many people deal with lust issues:

Sexual desires are a part and parcel of the human race. Yes our lifelong work is to channel it correctly and keep it in check and not to fall...

However we have to realize that to expect that if you were able to refrain for 90 days that you are done with it and that if you fall there is something terribly wrong with you, sets us up for disaster.

We have to realize that this is a lifelong battle which you hope to win for the most part, but that you may fall...

I find that adapting the notion that "I will attain a state of being where I will never ever fall ever" is counterproductive and leads to depression and confusion...

We are in a battle. The nature of battle is that sometimes you win but sometimes you"ll lose...
If you adapt this approach you will ultimately succeed more, because you wont get depressed and down which puts you further in the rut...



If however you are a full fledged addict, and all you need is one small slip and you're over with... then the "never ever" approach makes sense. It is a necessity...

But if you are the usual guy who can keep himself in check, then trying to be "perfectly perfect" seems to cause more damage than good...

I mean look at Ovadia, he has come such a long way, he is so much better equipped to deal with the problem, he has gained life-lasting skills...
But what kills him his that he fell once or twice...
C'mon, this is war... You lost one or two battles but you in the big picture you are conquering worlds... why focus on the one or two failures?