ovadia wrote on 28 Mar 2010 06:35:
What does liberation mean to me?
To go to work without constantly worrying (and knowing) am I going to act out today or will I be able to control myself?
Leaving work without feeling relieved that I made it through the day without acting out or frustration/guilt because tit happened yet again.
That I can go to sleep after my wife without diving for the ..... to act out.
I have learned to focus and be happy with what I have, not with what I don't.
That I can focus positively on my Avodas HaShem without feeling hypocritical and constant parardox.
Thank you HaShem for bringing me to GYE and thank you Guard for being a true Sheliach.
My thoughts at 90 days.
Thank you HaShem! As R, Twerski put it in his beautiful article on Pesach, when one is freed spiritually, then he is thankful for every second of his freedom. GYE has made me realize that the concept of Kedusha and being part of a holy nation is not just an elusive idea for “holy” people. It is within our grasp. And for this I truly have to thank HaShem for having the Zechus of having my part in His Plan.
Contrast - Sometimes I think back to those p…. images (not the triggering parts) which I have not seen for 90 days and I think of those half animals debasing themselves, in grotesque ways. Could this really be what interests me?? What a contrast between what I “gave up”, and what I received instead. The contrast is beyond words.
Appreciation - I cannot express my appreciation enough to everyone here at GYE for literally saving my soul. I have received so much from you; so much Insight and understanding. But most of all support and guidance, and the feeling that in the times of darkness there are some very dear people out there who care. Thank you all so much. And of course I look forward to the grand GYE kumsits with all of you, with the Shor HaBor and the Leviasan!
Privilege - It has been the most amazing experience to have contact with so many emotionally and spiritually deep people/Neshomos. It has made me feel emotionally alive. I have had the opportunity to express my emotions and feelings without feeling inhibited or childish. And I also feel spiritually alive. A special type of Avodah different to learning and daavening, but what gives more meaning and amplifies to all Ruchniyos.
Disappointment - Here at GYE we see have everyone has their own struggles. I might be wrong but it seems that there are different levels of addicts. I feel that my own addiction was just a bat habit I could not get out of and needed to be broken. What did it take? Openness and frank confrontation with my feelings and weaknesses.; getting out of isolation and realizing that there is an effective way of breaking the habit. And more than anything a framework within which to do this and the support which I received. And that is the tragedy. Why did it have to take so long to discover something so simple? I am sure that there are so many low level addicts out there like me, that don’t need therapy or SA groups, just a healthy perspective and attitude, support and communication, realization that you are not alone or the only one and to be given the opportunity to talk from their heart. Why is the frum community continuing to deny this to themselves?
Here is an example of what a difference in attitude can make. A while back I started a thread on the forum about whether to buy a laptop or not. In the end I bought one because I had to. I know that before I found GYE I could never have trusted myself with a laptop and for that reason I would never have bought it. B”H because of GYE I was able to buy it and so far I have never had the temptation to “abuse” it (Yes, I do still have a Y”H!!)
The main lesson that I learned over the last few months has been to appreciate and be happy with what I have, and not be constantly looking at what I do not. All the lust and fantasizing comes from wanting just that little bit which is out of your grasp. I learnt to stop “looking” away from myself. Yes, guarding your eyes begins in the eye of your mind. If something does not interest you, then you do not lust for it.
Finally, no words will suffice to thank R’ Guard enough for being HaShem’s Shliach in saving my soul. HaShem should give you the Koach to continue in you holy work, and there is no doubt that you will be in the front lines to greet Mashiach Tzidkainu!
The future – The struggle has only begun and we don’t get any respite from it. I once heard this powerful idea from R’ Mattisyahu Salamon Shlita.
Most Rishonim say that the last Nisayon of Avraham Avinu was the Akeida. However Rabeinu Yona says that the last Nisayon was the burial of Sara.
The question is obvious. After having been through the Akeida, what was the big deal about having to haggle over the plot to bury Sara?
The answer is that sometimes a person feels after having been through a very hard Nisayon "HaShem I have done my bit, leave me alone already!" and Avraham Avinu had every reason to feel this way. He had just been through nine difficult Nisyanos. Surely he had proven his loyalty to HaShem! But in this world there is no letup, and that was the final most difficult test.
To me this is the hardest bit, not to be able to relax at all and have to always be on my Guard. Although I feel that I have broken the habit of p.., m.. and internet browsing I am faced with constant sights and triggers, which I feel that I have hardly begun to face up to controlling. May HaSem give me the Koach to continue.
