Thanks for the lengthy reply. I'm going to try and answer each of these points as honestly as I can and you can tell me where I stand.
Hi Halevi,
You bring up a great point that needs to be addressed and has been question may times. That is "What is an addict". Allow me to share with you my attitude on the matter. Below is a excerpt of from
recoverynation.com which I think summarizes the point well. Click on the link to read it in full.
"...don't waste time wondering whether you should label yourself "an addict", or whether or not if you meet the criteria for "an addiction". If you are currently struggling with sexual and/or romantic behaviors,
no matter how small these behaviors may seem, you have the
opportunity and
responsibility to do something about it. "How do I know if I have an addiction?" This can be tricky as
there is no absolute set of rules to go by for every individual. Some people can have affairs, masturbate, view pornography, fall "instantly" in love, etc. and certainly not be addicted to those behaviors. There are, however, a clear set of questions you should ask yourself that will help you to determine whether or not a problem exists.If you are unsure of whether or not you should seek treatment for sexual and/or romantic behavior, ask yourself these questions:
•
Do you lack self control over impulsive desires?This is the point of declaring powerless. It is not intended to be a label of who you are and what your life will be. It simply a declaration that you understand that you currently have a behavior disorder of self control. (call it Impulse Control Disorder if you want). By acknowledging the truth of our current state, we can work to heal ourselves through the means offered to us.
Certainly I have lacked a fair degree of self control but I don't believe that I am completely powerless - take my current stretch of sobriety for example. I think that with a renewed determination and with a few extra safeguards in place, I can control myself. Furthermore, I give in to all sorts of temptations all the time... does that mean I'm addicted to those behaviours as well? •
Do the potential long-term effects of this behavior significantly outweigh the immediate satisfaction gained from performing it? If, in your opinion, the behavior appears to be a means of receiving immediate gratification, without regard to the lasting effects to themselves or those around them, you should seek assistance in exploring this.
Yep •
Have you ever promised to stop? If you have voiced a promise to stop performing a particular behavior, even if you have not yet had the opportunity to follow through with that promise, you should seek treatment. That may seem harsh, but the rationale is valid:
your promise to stop is a verification of conflict between your values and your behavior, and such a conflict needs resolution. Simply expecting yourself to stop on your own is unrealistic, and may actually hasten the addictive process. Can a person permanently stop on their own? Absolutely. But it rarely happens. Seek assistance through a self-management program or counselor to assure that your behavior changes.
I promised to stop after the first time. Doh! •
Is this a behavior that is being done in secret? Like the promise to stop, anyone that feels the need to perform sexual behavior and keep them secret knows that there is a conflict between what is socially acceptable and what isn't. Still,
they continue to perform the behaviors that they know to be wrong in exchange for the immediate gratification they receive. This indicates a problem that needs to be addressed.
Doh! •
Does this behavior appear to be a part of a pattern? Examine other behaviors that you engage in. Look for similar compulsive behaviors, and not just sexual and/or romantic, that appear to be a part of an addictive pattern. Usually, these behaviors will tend to be obvious in particular areas, and will emphasize the theme of immediate gratification over long-term satisfaction. Compulsive shopping, eating, exercising: these are just a few that can indicate a pattern of emotional self-regulation that indicates the need for some type of intervention--especially when found in conjunction with compulsive sexual and/or romantic behavior.
I'm addicted to using the computer/internet. •
Does the behavior appear to be completely out of character for who you believe yourself to be? Or the person that you want others to think that you are? For you to have recognized a behavior pattern that is totally out of context for who you believe yourself to be is a strong sign that you have developed a dual (secret) lifestyle--which can be indicative of a rather advanced pattern of addiction.
Damn. Not doing too well here. •
Are you trying to cover for your behavior through lies and secrecy? Just because someone lies about having an affair, or how a particular pornographic item was downloaded from the internet does not necessarily indicate addiction. By nature, people try to avoid uncomfortable feelings and frequently do so by lies and avoidance. But, the more pronounced and elaborate the lies become, the more indicative of a pattern of preoccupation and value conflict--and thus the more pronounced the addiction. In its extreme, murder and suicide may even be considered to maintain the aura of secrecy.
Haven't needed to lie. Need to be caught first! Answer these questions with absolute honesty and you will know whether or not you need help.
Notice, that emotional crutch is not mentioned once. Emotional crutch has NOTHING TO DO WITH DEFINING ADDICTION. A person can use emotional crutches without being addicted. When we speak about emotional crutch, we are just speaking about some of the causes. This seems to be true for many people in general and on this site. For those people, it is important for them to recognize that about themselves in order to recover. But, this is not true for everyone. You have to know yourself well and define your problem in an individual sense. No two people are alike. No two addictions are alike. And no two recoveries are alike. The importance of getting help and speaking to people is in order to understand yourself better and learn to grow the way you are supposed to.
Hatzlacha.
a) The repercussions of having an addiction are huge; not only because of what's needed for recovery but also because of how it can impinge on future real-life relationships.
b) I see footage and read about genuine addicts (outside of this website) and I'm nothing like them. The people I read about are completely out of control and literally killing themselves with their behaviour. I, on the other hand, act out in only a very moderate way. It's not destroying my life or making it unmanageable. The only reason I'm concerned at all is because it doesn't fit in with my values and religion. So can I still be classified as an addict?
