had a slip just now.

im feeling lost in my life right now and it just makes me want to give in… but i also know that it wont help me - and theres no end to it either.

a week in! gotta stay strong!

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time. The strength you're showing through this challenge and the fact that you picked yourself up after a slip is amazing! I recently heard a very uplifting piece of Torah that I'll share here. Shortly after the the incident of the egel hazahav Hashem commands Moshe to count the Jewish people. Rashi points out a question. Why does Hashem need a census of the Jewish people taken? Doesn't He know how many of us there were? He answers that Hashem wanted the Jewish people counted because he takes joy in counting the Jewish people like a coin collector takes joy in going through his collection. This is even more amazing when we consider that Hashem asked for the census after egel hazahav. The Jews were precious to him even after this incident. Given the way you are growing and working on this struggle, how much more so must you be a treasured part of Hashem's collection

thank you @committed_togrowth for the chizuk!!

7 days clean…(my counter says 8 for some reason??)

Keeping up with GYE this week has made me very aware of my thoughts and urges. Typically, I would go a week or two without giving shmiras einayim/bris a second thought. If I wasn’t tempted to masturbate - I would let my guard down. Then I would have some thoughts (inevitably) and I would pursue them (I wouldn’t make the conscious decision to divert my attention) and I would end up falling.
This week, this thread was always in the back of my mind (as I made a kabbala to post every day) and when anything that could lead to a fall came up - I would stop myself. (thank you gye!)

day 90 may be far away but i am enjoying being clean right now. its about the journey, i guess.

TheYoungerTwin wrote on 14 Dec 2021 04:17:

It is about living each day as a loyal eved Hashem. it is about each day having menuchas hanefesh and not being tormented by this issue. it is about being able to smile today, because today i am b'ezras Hashem clean.

day 8
למעלה מן הטבע

day 9
urg
withdrawal (already??)

im committed, and thats that.

In my experience (while is limited I must admit), the first few weeks are the most difficult. You might have to weather some intense storms in the beginning, but each time you do it gets easier. I admire your commitment, keep it up!

Theres a meditation exercise thats really helping me right now.
I learnt this in a very different context - but it applies to any big goal.

imagine you made it. 
you made it to 90 days clean.
the accomplishment, the satisfaction.
feel that elation, the joy you are experiencing - revel in it.
think of the specifics of the situation - how you will celebrate (what will you post on gye??) etc.
if you do it properly- you’ll be smiling, an excited feeling in your chest.

when you bring up these positive emotions in relation to your goal - you anticipate it more.
you want to get there - you want to feel that. 

it’s a lot harder to lose sight of your goal now. you will not give that up.

it feels good to be 10 days clean.

10/10, would recommend 

day 11
שבת שלום ומבורך

a gitte vuch
(Day 12)

nearing the end of week 2…
i started feeling jittery on shabbos and now the withdrawal is really hitting.

in the past, it wasn’t often that i went a full 2 weeks clean. 
the end of week 2 has always been difficult, so i have to prepare… any suggestions?

Mazel tov on your success so far! In my experience, a lot of my fear of failure and anxiety related to pending storms in this area were rooted in the fact that I was "going it alone." I think our mind can sometimes be like a dark alleyway that the yetzer hara tries to corner us into. We're the easiest prey for the YH when we're feeling scared and alone. Of course Hashem is with us at every moment, but having another person to talk to really reduced my fear of what was to come in this struggle. All of this is to say I'd recommend reaching out to someone experienced on GYE and asking for a phone call. When I connected over the phone with a GYE mentor I  felt a palpable sense of relief and a weight lifted off my shoulders, as I didn't feel like I was fighting this battle quietly and all by myself. It was uncomfortable for me to do at first, but it has made a huge difference.

committed_togrowth wrote on 19 Dec 2021 03:14:

thank you.
my mind definitely feels like a dark alley right now
i dont think im ready to call someone though…

I totally understand, it was also hard for me. In any case, just know that you are not alone. We are all with you and rooting for you, and each step of growth you take lifts up yourself and the entire Jewish nation

TheYoungerTwin wrote on 18 Dec 2021 23:43:

It's great that you made it this far! If it helps, realize we're rooting for you and many people will be excited to hear that you were able to keep it up. I would suggest to focus on: a) many people here have been in your exact situation and were able to stay clean for a long time. Realize that it is doable. b) B'ezras Hashem, the longer you stay away from acting out, the easier it becomes. Yes, there can be withdrawal in the beginning, and I can't say when it will begin getting easier. The struggle never goes away, but if you are careful to avoid triggering situations, and try to fulfill מרעיבו שבע, starve the YH and it will be satisfied, then it will likely get easier.