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My Clean Days Log
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: My Clean Days Log 2461 Views

Re: My Clean Days Log 07 Feb 2020 01:19 #347209

Day #12. Still clean.

It's a nice story that you shared, DavidT. I appreciate the positive thoughts that you share in your posts. I already miss your smiley face avatar.

I just want to reply that it isn't an "either-or." One can either have remorse for sins or appreciate them because they become merits. It is a "both-and." We need to honor both feelings. We are charged to have remorse for our sins, clearly part of the steps of teshuva as enumerated in both the Rambam and the Shaarei Teshuva L'Rabbeinu Yonah. AND we can see our sins as opportunities for tremendous growth and merit.

אמר רבי אבהו מקום שבעלי תשובה עומדין צדיקים גמורים אינם עומדין (ברכות לד:)

Rabbi Abahu said, "In the place where baalei-teshuva stand, even the fully righteous do not stand." (Berachos 34b)

Re: My Clean Days Log 07 Feb 2020 01:25 #347210

  • grateful4life
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שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 06 Feb 2020 03:18:
Day 11. Still Clean.

I want to share another element of my story. Perhaps it is relevant to some of you as well.

In the mid-90s, my parents bought me a Game Boy (the retro big gray one!). I then got other video game consoles as well. I watched hours upon hours of television in my childhood. And, of course, the internet. I have spent way, way, way too much time on the internet.

All of the above are tools. Tools for entertainment. Tools for work, research, etc. The problem for me is that they became more than just devices and tools. Being in front of a screen became more like a zone for me. A familiar space and place to spend time.

In my adult life, I don't own any video game consoles (still sometimes wish I had that old retro Game Boy for nostalgia), I don't own a television, and the internet on my laptop is heavily filtered. Yet, I still find myself in front of my laptop clicking away way too much (I am referring to things that are not forbidden and may even have value). I fall into this old rhythm of being in front of the screen.

That is definitely one of the dynamics at play in my struggle. When I do get access to an unfiltered computer, I almost never start looking at pornography. I just enter the familiar place of in front of screen. The screen zone. Then, nebuch, the rest follows.

While I won't count spending a great amount of time on the internet as a fall, I do want to commit myself to using the internet much less than I have been. I will attempt to post about this as well.

Thanks for sharing and I relate to your constant struggle with electronic media/internet over indulgence. There is actually a 12 step program called Underearners Anonymous for addicts, whose lives have become unmanageable, from chronic behaviors such as compulsive escaping and time drunkeness through electronic media, among other symptoms.

It doesn't sound like you're an addict but I figured I'd just let you know that you're not alone. For me I couldn't deal with any of these behaviors before I was able to stay sober from lust for an extended period of time and now I'm working towards being free from these compulsive behaviors as well ODAAT.
All the best,

Re: My Clean Days Log 09 Feb 2020 01:59 #347244

Day #14. Still Clean.

זה וזה גורם (כמה מקומות בש"ס)

This and this combined are the catalyst... (Several Places in the Talmud)

I had a legitimate excuse to use a machine with unfiltered internet the other day. A combination of my own reservations about using the machine in the first place, my participation in GYE (90-Day Chart and Forum) and I'd like to think a little bit of yir'as shomayim helped me to complete my task and then close the machine without doing anything else.

Re: My Clean Days Log 10 Feb 2020 01:06 #347259

Day #15. Still clean.

ועשו סייג לתורה (אבות א:א)

והסייג הוא דבר גדול ומשובח לעשות סייג וגדר למצות לבל יוכל להכשל בהם הירא את דבר ה' (רבינו יונה על פרקי אבות)

And make a fence for the Torah (Avos 1:1)

And a fence is a great thing and it is praiseworthy to make a fence for the mitzvos so that the one who fears the word of Hashem not stumble in them. (Rabbeinu Yonah on Pirkei Avos 1:1)

On my list of religious goals, it doesn't say, "don't look at pornography," it says, "don't use my wife's [unfiltered] laptop or phone." That becomes the mitzvah that cannot be violated. It is helping me.

Re: My Clean Days Log 10 Feb 2020 23:27 #347276

That's a really special thing to think about. And an amazing thing you've commited to! Kol Hakavod on 15 days!! You're doing amazing!

Re: My Clean Days Log 18 Feb 2020 00:52 #347394

Day #23. Still clean.

וצדיק באמונתו יחיה (חבקוק ב:ד)

The righteous one with his faith shall live. (Habakkuk 2:4)

I wouldn't be doing this without faith in the Ribbono Shel Olam and His Torah. I don't feel more fulfilled that I've gone 23 days. I know it is great and I know it is holy, but my experience is not so. I can, however, affirm that I am not waking up in the morning feeling like a total loser because I masturbated the night before. So, while there may not be a positive feeling, there is a lack of a negative feeling. That's something.

Thanks for reading!

Re: My Clean Days Log 20 Feb 2020 13:12 #347450

We're so proud of you and how much you're achieving! Can definitely relate to the 'lack of positive feeling, but lack of negative feelings too'. I think we need to work double hard to reward ourselves and feel good about the progress we're making. Just writing this I'm thinking of maybe writing down a reward for every ten days until 90 and then maybe for larger milestones afterwards. 
Keep doing awesome! 

Re: My Clean Days Log 21 Feb 2020 00:52 #347471

Thank you Brother Fightingaddictionnow for the replies and thank you all for the "Thank You"s.

Day #26

היום לעשותם ולא למחר לעשותם היום לעשותם ולא היום ליטול שכר (עבודה זרה ג.)

Today [is the time] to perform them, [the time] to perform them is not tomorrow. Today [is the time] to perform them and today is not [the time] to take reward. (Avodoh Zoroh 3a)

This statement is quoted in the first chapter of Mesilas Yeshorim along with other similar statements. Statements that charge us to optimize our performance of mitzvos in this world because this is our only chance and then we will take our reward in the world-to-come.

Through my struggling with issues of guarding my eyes whether it is lustfully gazing at women or pornography and masturbation, I have somehow internalized [spiritually and emotionally] that the barometer for my success in this world has solely to do with how I am doing in these areas. This morning when I got off the train, I thought about this concept "today is the time to perform them" as a way of helping me not gaze at the women. Now, that is a great thing in and of itself, don't get me wrong. Anything that helps to not objectify women and violate Torah law is great.

However, I thought about how I never think about those statements when I do all of the other mitzvah activities. It's as if, ShabbosKashrusTefillin, relationship with Hashem, compassion to family, friends, neighbors and strangers, etc. are not a fulfillment of me accomplishing today to get the reward in the next world.

I am claiming tonight (and any of the readers who relate are invited to as well) a broader experience. My spiritual and religious success is not solely determined by these kedusha areas. And saying so does not take away from the severity of the infractions one iota. It is just an honest balance.

Thank you all for reading and Hashem should bentsch us all to optimize our lives and fulfill our potentials.
Last Edit: 21 Feb 2020 01:28 by שבע יפול צדיק וקם.

Re: My Clean Days Log 23 Feb 2020 15:08 #347498

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Sheva, you hit the nail on the head! There are many guys who are great ehrliche people. They learn, daven, give tzedakah, do chessed, have great midos/mentshlechkeit, are careful with mitvos, kashrus, lashon hara, etc. For some reason, instead of appreciating all that, their measuring stick if they are good guys is completely based on if they did or didn't watch pornography/masturbate on a given day. Now let's honestly analyze this - keeping in mind that the majority of these great individuals were introduced to pornography/masturbation at relatively young ages, where they really did not understand the severity of these actions (many did not even know they were assur). By the time they realized the issurim involved and/or dangerous habit forming nature of these actions, they were deeply entrenched in habit/addiction. In reality we have a group of great fellows who have so much to be proud of, and they also have a tough area that has to be worked on. A brilliant diamond with a stubborn flaw that needs serious polishing. Step one for so many guys here, me included, was to simply once and for all stop looking at themselves as losers and reshaim. Once the healthy self worth is intact, one can iyh start dealing with this side issue. It is noteworthy how many intelligent guys have a really hard time with this concept - even after hearing it from Gedolei Yisroel. In reality it is an atzas ha'yetzer to get tzebrochen and wallow in yi'ush/despair. So let's keep publicizing what Sheva wrote here. Hatzlocha to all.
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Re: My Clean Days Log 25 Feb 2020 00:22 #347528

Thank you for your feedback, Hashem Help Me.

Day 30. I have to say, I do indeed feel good and accomplished making it to day 30.​

כי אני ה' לא שניתי  וגו' (מלאכי ג:ו)

For I am the Lord, I have not changed... (Malachi 3:6)

If I could take what I wrote about and what Hashem Help Me commented one step further. It is not only that I measure myself as successful or not based on whether or not I have masturbated or looked at inappropriate materials. But on some level, I am actually limiting my own understanding or experience of Hashem, chas veshalom, to be the G-d who is solely interested in my adherence to these specific mitzvos.

For I am the Lord, I have not changed... Just because I struggle with pornography and masturbation doesn't mean Hashem changes to be a G-d who only cares about that stuff.
Last Edit: 25 Feb 2020 00:25 by שבע יפול צדיק וקם.

Re: My Clean Days Log 25 Feb 2020 01:13 #347532

Mazal Tov! 

Re: My Clean Days Log 25 Feb 2020 14:48 #347545

  • DavidT
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שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 25 Feb 2020 00:22:
Thank you for your feedback, Hashem Help Me.

Day 30. I have to say, I do indeed feel good and accomplished making it to day 30.​

Congratulations on the 30 day milestone! May you be able to continue inspiring us with your amazing insights and keep up the clean streak for many more healthy years to come!
"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @
Last Edit: 25 Feb 2020 14:48 by DavidT.

Re: My Clean Days Log 26 Feb 2020 16:42 #347570

  • balteshuva99
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Your posts are beautifull! Thought provoking, honest and inspiring. Thank you

Re: My Clean Days Log 04 Mar 2020 03:34 #347692

Day 38.

Day 38 (probably day 8 also) has not been in the realm of possibility in my life for a long time. That makes me feel empowered. I can actually live a pornography/masturbation-free life. I can actually have an agenda to control a behavior and do it.

ואל תאמין בעצמך עד יום מותך (אבות ב:ד)

Don't believe in yourself until the day you die (Avos 2:4).

The sense of empowerment for me is not, and therefore, I can remove the filter from my computer, etc. I would likely not last a day or two without falling. It is that I feel empowered precisely because I am using the tools that I have available to me (filters, GYE 90-Day Count, GYE forum) and it seems to be working for me.

Hashem should bentsch us all that we should feel a sense of empowerment. That we can achieve our goals with Heavenly assistance. 

Re: My Clean Days Log 04 Mar 2020 04:18 #347693

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Beautiful healthy post. May Hashem help you realize your dreams!
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